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‘No’ is not my safe word. My screen lit up with a message: “A safe word? How about ‘no’ for starters…” I tapped out a quick response: “I want something more abrupt, more obvious. Something to pull us quickly out of the headspace.” This was true, but I wasn’t quite ready to explain the bigger reason driving my need for an alternative word. ‘No’ is not a safe word. I’m not sure when exactly the word became unsafe. There was my first partner who told me it hurt his feelings when I said 'no’ to sex. 'No’ wasn’t something to ever say to him. There was the time he smacked me across the face because I did say it. He’d warned me, after all. There were many calls of 'bitch’, 'slut’ and 'frigid ’ when I said 'no’ to unwanted hands and attention. There was the 'friend’ who exploded with rage when I said 'no’ to being his girlfriend. There was the night he slipped into my bed and pressed himself against me. There were his screaming insults once I’d woken up and scrambled out of the covers to hide in the bathroom until my breathing slowed. There was the stranger who held me still for himself to use as I shook my head 'no 'no’ 'no’. There was the other stranger in a crowd who forced his hand between my legs and left bruises for the next day. And then there was the person who told me I was too pretty to say 'no’. I had never thought of myself as pretty before but, of course, my self wanted to be. Pretty hasn’t felt so desirable since then. 'No’ was a dangerous word. I watched how it changed people. My memories are mainly of boys and men, but not solely. Seething storms could erupt from any calm skin. It clouded eyes, clenched fists, and teeth spat “how dare you”. That was all before the age of 20. Things have changed now. Years have passed, I started moving around the globe, I became good at avoiding the 'no’ fuelled fury, and somewhere along the way, I fell into the world of kink. Except it wasn’t a fall. I was starting to stand tall, and this obscure world pulled me even higher. I made a (mainly) safe online space full of people who post about consent, respect, safe words and boundaries. I conjured my safe word and I painted out my boundaries. The blog became a place for my submissive tendencies, but the submissiveness in everyday life was being swallowed up. By me. It never belonged there, anyway. Yet, still, 'No’ is not a safe word. ~freelydone  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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10/7/2019 8:56 am |
You are a spirited and beautiful woman alijade
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ali The experiences the author had are terrible! Thank you for sharing this so we may learn.... A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. George Bernard Shaw Jenny
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10/3/2019 7:26 am |
The word no, denotes rejection and a choice. Predators, wannabe's and narcissists cannot possibly fathom that someone would make a choice to reject them or their attentions. They are also unlikely to be willing to differentiate between the rejection of unwanted attention and themselves. You are correct, no is not a safe word, the word itself can, sadly, spur even more negative attention. Seems the word itself has become a challenge, tell someone no and they will do all that they can to prove you wrong. Into the woods I go, to lose my mind and find my soul.
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We use "stop", but I have never had to use it
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Beautiful wrinting. To give you the trust : a no should ALWAYS be a no !!!! In ANY circomstances ......
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Within S&M no is yes. There are many scenes in which "no" is used to add to the chemistry of a moment. The safe word is definitive.
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This is just so true.
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10/3/2019 4:31 am |
So sexy... can't wait to read more
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I can really relate to this. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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