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Nice Guys Finish Last Nice guys finish last,” is an age-old truism that we’ve all heard at one point or another in our lives. But is it actually true? Don’t women want a man to treat them with respect, dignity, and to value them equally? Don’t we as feminists (and yes, I use the inclusive term ‘we’ because I consider myself to be one) demand these things? Don’t we desire to move away from the days when Neanderthals and chauvinists were allowed to run rampant when women had to suffer constant sexual harassment as a matter of course in the workplace? Of course, we do, few things could be more self-evident than that. So shouldn’t we be raising men to be ‘gentlemen,’ to be respectful, to treat women as equals? Shouldn’t men who strive to be kind, gentle, giving, and considerate be the ideal mates? And haven’t I, on this very blog extolled the virtues of the man who is hardworking, respectful, educated, and a good communicator? Why yes, I have. I mean, if that’s what women want, why wouldn’t good guys finish first all the time? As it turns out, they do. Overwhelmingly women seek mates who treat them as equals, with dignity and respect. They seek men who are faithful in their marriage and honest. So, the end of the post? Not quite. You see, for as much as women desire men who are all of the above for life mates, they seek something very, very different from their sexual partners. Ask any relationship therapist or clinical psychologist on the planet and they’ll tell you the same thing: women love their spouses deeply and sincerely – and they are (overwhelmingly) utterly unattracted to them sexually. As it turns out, the scientific study of female sexuality is an extraordinarily complex subject. Stunning, I know. Professor Lorraine Dennerstein of the University of Melbourne determined that the loss of a woman’s libido as she ages is closely linked to a loss in interest in her sexual partner. Put another way: they desire sexless because they desire their partner less. Those same women consistently reported that they deeply loved and admired their partners. So what gives? Dr. Marta Meana, who is a clinical psychologist, Dean of the University of Nevada’s Psychology department, and widely respected researcher into women’s sexual functionality (and possibly more qualified to write about this subject than me), surmises that what drives female sexuality, above all else, is something that could be summed up best Cheap Trick’s 78 hit, “I want you to want me”: WOMEN PASSIONATELY DESIRE TO BE DESIRED. That same soft, gentle man (not a gentleman) who she loves and feels secure around: the one who asks permission for everything, and is constantly obsessed with asking, “are you sure you’re ok,” that guy is safe, but he is not sexy. Sexually, a woman does not fantasize about being delicately considered, she wants to be passionately desired, chased, pursued, she wants to be the object of a man's unbridled lust – she wants to be conquered. The real female orgasm? Being desired. Now men, if you’ve ever read a harlequin novel (or watched an episode of True Blood), step back and ask yourself if that is not precisely the caricature that comes to mind? The strong, decisive, passionate, slightly dangerous, and lustful man. It’s almost comical how obvious the correlation is. Yet that same man who appeals to a woman’s lustful side isn’t necessarily the one who appeals to her desire for safety and comfort in a relationship. And that’s the rub men: It will be your passion that brings her in, and it will be your security that holds her attention, but in order to develop her into that wanton slut you desire, who continues to explore with you, and to grow in her submission, you must first provide the platform for her to build on. You must be the foundation, the rock upon which her temple to you is built. Education, practice, communication, discipline, dedication, decisiveness, love, passion, and accountability: These are your tools. You must be ever vigilant to maintain your passion for her. To constantly reaffirm her place in your sexual desires with action and inventiveness; to constantly reaffirm your commitment to her soul with strong communication; her mind with leadership; her heart with consistent love, unending patience, and understanding; and to your relationship with stern discipline. Committing your life to these principles and their practice is what will ultimately separate you from the cuckold husband, or the douche-bag wanna be doms. You must be both the lion, and lover. Do these things well, and her submission will blossom, fail and it will wither. The choice ultimately is yours. Choose wisely. ~ Axiom  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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Nice Post, great read
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11/25/2019 12:13 am |
Wise words and enlightening thanks you
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I think... great article, facts are facts... but wrong conclusion. My take on this is to be yourself.... nice guy or asshole, sweet or bitchy depending on who you are (and in reality most of us are a mix of both.) Don't try and be someone you're not.... just be you. And then find someone who wants you for you, who looks at the whole glorious mess of you as a human being and doesn't see anything important missing or want you to be someone else. Trying to be someone or something you're not in order to have a relationship is pretty much doomed to fail IMHO.
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OK, so now for my opinion. I love nice guys, gentlemen if you will. Guys that still know how to hold a door open, pull a chair out, put their strong hand on the small of your back and lead you into a room. Guys that are in control at all times, (they don't bite their nails).Nice guys have always done it for me. I'm also never amazed by their sexual skills. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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This isn't complicated. All you have to do is look at the animal kingdom for answers. Males compete with each other, sometimes until death, with the winner earning the right to mate. Females mate with the strongest, fiercest, bad-ass males as this gives them the best chance for strong offspring that will survive. In that world, nice guys always finish last. Human females are no different. Their instinct is NOT to mate with the polite, respectful nerd who treats them like a queen. They want the muscle-bound bad-boy with the big cock who will show them who's boss in the bedroom. They'd never marry that guy, but they sure as hell would fuck his brains out whenever he wanted.
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One of you're best posts! And, there have been lots.
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There are probably far too many factors in play to generalize like this. I don't think man is instinctively monogamous. I think his attention strays if he gets bored with his partner. Most men don't do anything about it. Some leave or stray and ultimately find another partner, all the while maintaining the veneer of being nice guys: Serial monogamy. Some stay with the same sexually boring partner and stray at the same time, seeking the sexual stimulus that they feel their partner has lost: Serial polygamy? They too can retain the veneer, or even the reality, of being nice guys, but their rebellion against boredom can liberate a sexual energy that attracts other women. For more on this see: Polyamorous in my blog.
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11/23/2019 12:51 pm |
In 2008 Buss and Shackelford researched women's mate preferences. They found significant correlations between the women's own physical attractiveness and the levels that they expected of male partners on each of the traits. In other words, they found that "attractive women want it all." Less attractive women, in contrast, tended to reduce their expectations on all traits across the board, settling for a bit less in each area. I suspect this holds true for men.
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There certainly is a bit of a paradox in what is attractive and what is exciting. But I think it is also to easy to leave everything up to the guy. We humans all have a brain that we can use if we want and that can help overcome certain instincts and reflexes that may still be present from our several million year old amphibian ancestors  .As in everything the key is honest open communication and to make that really work we all need to step regularly over our own ego and try to see both sides before concluding to quickly about bad intentions from the other side. That all said there certainly are way to many guys who either never learned about what courtesy is or are to afraid to take any action, resorting to dreaming about what could be. "One Big Sky Covers Us All Equally"
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I really enjoyed your post, from my own personal experience over the years you are spot on. Every Lady I have ever been with has known that she is the most desirable and sexiest Woman on earth when we were together, at the same time they knew I respected them. I know I am not really much to look at but respect and lust combined really does work most of the time. I worked with a guy that tried to approach a good looking girl with lines like "had any good sex lately" and get shot down real fast, next day I walk up to her and politely asked her out and she said yes, it was a very enjoyable date. It was just a matter of knowing when to show respect and when to go with lust. I invited a friend over for dinner (yes I am a very good cook)had a nice meal and to impress her a little I made chocolate soufflé...I learned why they call some Women "screamers" that night...again a combination of respect and lust.
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There certainly is a bit of a paradox in what is attractive and what is exciting. But I think it is also to easy to leave everything up to the guy. We humans all have a brain that we can use if we want and that can help overcome certain instincts and reflexes that may still be present from our several million year old amphibian ancestors . As in everything the key is honest open communication and to make that really work we all need to step regularly over our own ego and try to see both sides before concluding to quickly about bad intentions from the other side. That all said there certainly are way to many guys who either never learned about what courtesy is or are to afraid to take any action, resorting to dreaming about what could be.
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A relation without passion, which seem to be 'normal' after some years.... for most vanilla relations, for as far as i witness, is deadly for female passion. You say it right; Women wants to be wanted, desired. I want you to want me. Being a feminist has nothing to do with that, i want a man with a passion for me, and my passion for him.
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Perception is a factor.A woman can think a guy is a nasty boy or she may perceive him to be a milk toast or anything in between; yet, in the bedroom/home it can be quite the opposite. Just as a person maybe dominant in their career, they can be submissive at home. There has been a whole industry of Dominatrix around Wall street for eons. The guys may be cut throat in business, but want someone to take charge in the bedroom. People may put on a"socially acceptable face' in their life outside the home. Yet, at home be a bitch or asshole. How many wife beaters, seem like OK guys to people on the outside. Guys like those in the news the past few years, public personalities, who are sexual predators behind closed door. Bill Cosby is a good example of that. "One Big Sky Covers Us All Equally"
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11/23/2019 11:25 am |
Maybe everyone just reads to much into that quote and the person that said it was simply saying that a nice guy makes sure the female orgasms first.
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I found this article today and I thought it was quite interesting. I would love to hear some feedback form Everyone Hope you all enjoying your weekend. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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