Blog : The Ache

23807 posts
9/12/2020 2:18 am

The Ache

Sometimes, when one is without a partner, there comes a wave of loneliness… not the garden variety sort, but the cellular level, bone-deep, aching to your TEETH kind of lonely that spawns a thirst unquenchable, and an ache beyond description. It feels like drowning.

I miss having coffee ready for my partner before he went to work in the morning. Just the act of grinding the beans, for example… such a simple thing, and not, on the surface, romantic. But it was. It was knowing that he would start each day with the knowledge, and the feeling, of being cared for, of MATTERING… a small, seemingly utilitarian thing that I did for him, but not small at all when you think about the heart in it.

I miss doing dishes and yelling, “HEY, HONEEEEY?” It doesn’t matter what I was calling to him for, it was the comforting everydayness of it, the (verbally) reaching out, and knowing the one I loved was… there.

I miss having someone to share bites off my plate with at restaurants. Or at home (though obviously not the same at home). That simple, smiling, sometimes playful bit of intimacy, feeding him a bite (or vice versa) and feeling the pleasure when his eyes would close for a second and he’d just go ‘Mmmmmm….’

I miss being held. Not sexually wanted (male or female, we can all find someone to want us sexually, if we really want to), but EMOTIONALLY needed/supported. That quiet moment of deep-breath peace when you lean into one another and just wallow in the feel of arms around you, warm breath sifting through your hair as you tuck your head under his chin or against his neck. Or the way he would pull me into his lap when I just needed to cry. Not the delicate little 'oh, tears are leaking out a bit’ cry, but the -like wracking sobs of pent up pain. And it was okay… I could cry, and I wasn’t alone.

When I think of being lonely, it isn’t often about the sex. Sure, I’m a very sexual creature. Kind of a given. But when the waves of lonely crash down on me, it’s the things most people don’t consider that are the things that often hit me hardest with their absence. I want to whisper and giggle with a partner while watching a movie at the theater. I want to teasingly bicker, while roaming Bed, Bath, and Beyond, over what color of towels we want in the bathroom. I want to make him his coffee, and maybe he washes my car for me now and then. I want to slide him the last scallop, that I know he REALLY wants but won’t say so, off the appetizer plate at 801 Chophouse. I want to hang Christmas lights and blow shit up together on the 4th of July.

I want someone to feel better knowing I have their back… and to breathe easier knowing they have mine.

Lonely is hard.

~thegirlinthewoman

"Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”

aliljaded 53F

8955 posts
9/13/2020 4:58 am

Kahlan2

Thank you so very much for that lovely compliment. I'm flattered by it.

"Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”

Kahlan2 87F

285 posts
9/12/2020 3:52 pm

You expressed that so eloquently. Exactly how I feel. Thank you so much for sharing all that you do. You have taught us so much, made us laugh, made our day so many times. Again Thank You.

drmgirl622 68F

26144 posts
9/12/2020 8:37 am

I have many friends and never lonely but that touch of another, that sly smile.....now that makes me feel alone when its missing

DancingDom 74M

22603 posts
9/12/2020 8:03 am

I hear you. But I don't often feel too lonely, but I do feel the aloneness. I drink coffee from pods now days, instead of he preferred grind teh beans and share a pot of it over a leisurely breakfast.

"One Big Sky Covers Us All Equally"

BlkBdsmMstr1 71M