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Be Selfish “What really gets me going is knowing I’m pleasing you.” I’ve heard variations of this from a number of Dominants. And it’s a total buzzkill. Look. I get it. Good Dominants are driven to take care of their submissives’ needs. That’s important. And even in the bedroom, I can see how intoxicating it can be to give pleasure. To drive a submissive toward surrender—giving themselves over to pleasure until there’s nothing left but subby goo. That is catnip to Dominants. And yet… If it’s genuinely about pleasing me, then it loses its luster. I think it’s because I worry about being with someone who is actually more service top than Dominant. I worry about the partner who would be just fine without D/s but does it purely to fulfill me. Maybe that works for some people. But it’s hard for me to serve if I feel like I’m serving myself. Or rather, serving my partner, who is only doing it to serve me…therefore serving myself. This is why I need my Dominant to be selfish. I need the reassurance of serving in ways that my Dominant wants…and I don’t. Imagine a Venn diagram with two circles: what I like and what my partner likes. Most relationships live in the overlap, with occasional (perhaps begrudging) ventures into the un-overlaps. This is true even in D/s. Structure and service take on a form that works for both sides of the slash. And this is how it should be. It’s an illusion that Dominants can have anything they want at anytime they want it. That illusion only holds when partners share a fairly strong overlap in what they want and need. But for me, I need the un-overlaps—not on my side, but on my Dominant’s. I need to do things that bring me no inherent pleasure. I even need to do things I don’t like to do. I need to lick my Dominant’s ass. I need to kiss feet. I need my Dominant to piss on me. It’s not the specific acts that matter, but the fact that I don’t actually want to do them. These things that were once hard limits have become the deepest expressions of my submissive heart. I need to know that my Dominant knows I don’t like these things but requires me to do them anyway. Because it is my place as property to serve however my Dominant chooses. The thing about service is that it doesn’t always feel like service when you want to do it. Having orgasms doesn’t feel like service. It is, of course, when I’m instructed to orgasm. But it doesn’t feel palpably different from being a free girl. I don’t want to be a free girl. And every now and then, I need a reminder that I am decidedly not a free girl. I feel most owned when my Dominant takes what they want selfishly without regard for whether I want it. But before Dominants can be selfish, they must be selfless. They have to take the time to understand what I need and why, then show up consistently to meet those needs. The more a Dominant takes care of me, the more they can take from me. So yes, I want my Dominant to be selfish. Not all the time. Not even most of the time. But sometimes I need to serve in ways that push me to give more of myself. Always more. So please, be selfish with me so I can be selfless with you. ~cherishedproperty  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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i think this passage is so on point! ans i agree with bimom and your last post
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You nailed it
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A submissive needs to know who is running the show. they need to know who is truly in control 
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10/17/2020 5:19 am |
I think I understand what you are saying. IMHE sometimes it is all about her, sometimes me and sometimes us; changes with the mood and the need.
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I get what your saying. to please is more important than being pleased getting pleased is a reward for doing just that. i think that's what you mean LOL and it's so true Miss
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This is perhaps the best expression of the dynamic between a service-oriented submissive and a dominant that I have seen in a long time. While I might or might not share in the specifics of the kinks, the notion that a service submissive needs to feel the sharp tug on the collar in order to be consistently immersed in her dynamic are a very important one. Many “Doms” are indeed service tops and for many submissives that is simply not going to fill the bill. Even if the specific kinks referenced here are not your thing, read past them into the deeper message being conveyed, it is a very important one. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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