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aliljaded 53F
23941 posts
1/27/2021 4:20 am
Balance the Scales

I recently was rambling around online, as I often do, and I ran across a Dominant saying something that caught my eye. Now, I’d heard other Dominants (and even submissives, much as it pains me to say) utter the same words, but for whatever reason this time it was a bit ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ for me. It had always irritated me, but now… I wanted to kick something. Instead, I decided to do what is hopefully a bit more productive, and incidentally entertaining. Write about it. So what, you may be asking yourself, did the Dominant say in order to put the figurative fire under me

“It’s not supposed to be fair… I’m the Dominant.”

Let’s just look at this, conceptually and logically, for a minute, shall we? Because if not, my head might explode. And really, who is going to explain that to the paramedics?

The first definition of dominant (yes, the adjective) is ‘most important, powerful, or influential’. It’s not a huge leap to (at least broadly) define Dominant, then, as ‘the person who IS most important, powerful, or influential’, though I might argue that the use of ‘important’ in that definition is something that would deserve refining/fleshing out… both Dominant and submissive are equally important in a D/s relationship, as both require the other to HAVE said relationship. Regardless, we understand that the Dominant in the D/s relationship is the person in authority. Fine. Groovy. But nowhere, to my knowledge, is being dominant mutually exclusive to being fair. A person not only can be in charge and yet fair in their dealings with/treatment of those over whom they wield authority, but should be. Because you know what happens when they’re not? They are no longer dominant, they are tyrannical and self-centered.

I’m not sure at what point the idea of being a Dominant twisted to mean not just ‘the one in charge’ but also ‘the one who can do what he wants, and it doesn’t matter if it’s right or not’, but it boggles my mind that it is appearing to be the commonly accepted definition with increasing regularity. Let me take a moment to spotlight and clarify what I mean by fair. Do I think a man telling his submissive to kneel down, suck his cock until he achieves orgasm, then go about her tasks with no orgasm of her own is unfair? Not remotely. In fact, it can be rather hot (hey, I’m nothing if not honest). But do I think it would be unfair if that was the ongoing state of things in their relationship, that only one person gave and only one person received? Um… worlds of yes. See, there is a difference between ‘every single minute, all things will be equally distributed within the relationship’ (which is NOT what I am talking about) and ‘in the encompassing view of the relationship, there will be an equal distribution of attention given to needs being met and care being given to each partner’. As I am the queen of analogies, let me put it to you like this… a relationship’s emotional interaction/stability is much like a bank account. If one makes regular withdrawals (receives from the submissive), but doesn’t put in a like amount of deposits (received by the submissive), then before long, the bank account will be rendered unable to give anything at all, as it will have been completely depleted.

Now, there is also a second aspect of fairness, one which is not about selfishness or lack of mutual care, per se, but about consistency, accountability, forthrightness, and even-handedness. These things are integral to this particular dimension of ‘fair’. Arbitrary rule changes without communication, a refusal to recognize/claim errors made, dishonesty, infidelity (totally unrelated to consensually open relationships), disrespect (and no, I don’t mean humiliation or objectification, etc., during play), punishments that don’t match crimes, and willful dismissal of a partner’s limits or welfare… these are all things (plus some not listed) that are not fair. In my opinion, when this latter type of ‘fair’ is ignored, it is a quick path to either someone ending up physically/emotionally damaged or, perhaps more commonly, a relationship failing to survive. And what good, exactly, do those things do anyone?

No matter how dedicated and giving a submissive, she/he still wants to be happy. More than that, though, they need to feel safe, in order to function in their role as completely as both they and they're Dominant would wish. It is almost impossible to feel safe if you can’t trust the rules, and even more so the rule maker. I absolutely believe that someone being fair is closely intertwined with their being found to be trustworthy, and a safe place in which to invest one’s heart and submission. Why is it, then, that a fair-sized portion of the current community members finds the idea of ‘fair’, when applied to a Dominant, to be anathema?

I have seen the “it’s not supposed to be fair” statement, in various forms, more times than I can count. It makes my eyes cross. Having a position of authority is not supposed to equal being a jackass who abuses power regularly for his own gratification and gives no thought to the well-being of others. It’s just not. Those in power are supposed to be there because they DESERVE to be, not just because they WANT to be. And the deserving? Own their mistakes, mete out punishments with an even and considered hand, keep rules consistent, and value the well-being of those underneath their umbrella of authority as much as they value their own. The best example I can think of is the Captain of a ship. There is no question he’s the Dominant in that particular situation, as it were. He is inarguably in charge. But a good Captain doesn’t merely toss out orders and have people do what he says, he also looks after the health, morale, safety, security, and general good state of those that are responsible for running the ship that he is steering. He is fair, or he is not a good Captain. And he needs to be fair, for two reasons… if he’s not, pretty soon the ship isn’t going to be running the way he’d like, as an unhealthy and resentful crew isn’t going to be doing their work very effectively. Secondly, a grossly unfair Captain ends up facing something no one wants…

That whole pesky mutiny thing.

- The Girl in the Woman


"Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”


tee_lee 47F/47F
85 posts
1/28/2021 4:34 am

The Dominant of a relationship is responsible to keep their partner safe and secure. Borrowing from the physician’s code, do no harm. Not disagreeing with your statement or reasoning I would like to give my take on, “It’s not supposed to be fair… I’m the Dominant.” And to add, my personal dislike of a related often heard response from a submissive asked a question or given a choice, “You decide or It’s your decision...You are the Dominant”.

When my partner brings up the “is this/that fair?” my response is “life is not fair”, as I view the Lifestyle as life with defined roles of Dominate and submissive. Most of the time the “unfairness” is a mindfuck within the parameters of the relationship. If it is done without regard to the submissive I would think the relationship is just abusive and not Lifestyle. If the inquiry does not have a clear validation/reason for being asked, I will delve deeper in order to find the cause for concern as communication in both directions is needed. Which brings me to “You decide or It’s your decision...You are the Dominant”. Yes, I will make the final decision/determination, that is a given. But avoiding to answer a question by stating the obvious does not communicate to me information that I can use to make my decision.

The more I understand the perception of my partner the better my decision making. At times I may have a partner endure something deemed “unfair” and she will complete/endure it under the quise of “I will do it if it pleases you”. If our communication has been effective I will know this, and as you alluded to balance, there will be a more than “fair” reward/compensation for her service.

My two cents,

BofEli


BounD2capitulate 76M
117 posts
1/27/2021 11:24 am

Very well put, Alil. I couldn't agree with you more. Your writing style, as always, is nonpareil.


jenny14 75T  
90121 posts
1/27/2021 9:13 am

ali

This is wonderful

"This is not fair " is a real "cop-out!"


A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. George Bernard Shaw

Jenny


slaveforyou365 63M  
4488 posts
1/27/2021 5:01 am



Slave rick


aliljaded 53F
8847 posts
1/27/2021 4:24 am

As always, take what you need and leave the rest.

"Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”



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