Blog : Nice Guys Finish Last

23832 posts
11/2/2021 3:41 am

Nice Guys Finish Last

Nice guys finish last,” is an age-old truism that we’ve all heard at one point or another in our lives. But is it actually true? Don’t women want a man to treat them with respect, dignity, and to value them equally? Don’t we as feminists (and yes, I use the inclusive term ‘we’ because I consider myself to be one) demand these things? Don’t we desire to move away from the days when Neanderthals and chauvinists were allowed to run rampant when women had to suffer constant sexual harassment as a matter of course in the workplace?

Of course, we do, few things could be more self-evident than that.

So shouldn’t we be raising men to be ‘gentlemen,’ to be respectful, to treat women as equals? Shouldn’t men who strive to be kind, gentle, giving, and considerate be the ideal mates? And haven’t I, on this very blog extolled the virtues of the man who is hardworking, respectful, educated, and a good communicator?

Why yes, I have.

I mean, if that’s what women want, why wouldn’t good guys finish first all the time? As it turns out, they do. Overwhelmingly women seek mates who treat them as equals, with dignity and respect. They seek men who are faithful in their marriage and honest. So, the end of the post?

Not quite.

You see, for as much as women desire men who are all of the above for life mates, they seek something very, very different from their sexual partners. Ask any relationship therapist or clinical psychologist on the planet and they’ll tell you the same thing: women love their spouses deeply and sincerely – and they are (overwhelmingly) utterly unattracted to them sexually.

As it turns out, the scientific study of female sexuality is an extraordinarily complex subject. Stunning, I know. Professor Lorraine Dennerstein of the University of Melbourne determined that the loss of a woman’s libido as she ages is closely linked to a loss of interest in her sexual partner. Put another way: they desire sexless because they desire their partner less. Those same women consistently reported that they deeply loved and admired their partners.

So what gives?

Dr. Marta Meana, who is a clinical psychologist, Dean of the University of Nevada’s Psychology department, and widely respected researcher into women’s sexual functionality (and possibly more qualified to write about this subject than me), surmises that what drives female sexuality, above all else, is something that could be summed up best Cheap Trick’s 78 hit, “I want you to want me”: WOMEN PASSIONATELY DESIRE TO BE DESIRED.

That same soft, gentle man (not a gentleman) who she loves and feels secure around: the one who asks permission for everything, and is constantly obsessed with asking, “are you sure you’re ok,” that guy is safe, but he is not sexy. Sexually, a woman does not fantasize about being delicately considered, she wants to be passionately desired, chased, pursued, she wants to be the object of a man's unbridled lust – she wants to be conquered.

The real female orgasm? Being desired.

Now men, if you’ve ever read a harlequin novel (or watched an episode of True Blood), step back and ask yourself if that is not precisely the caricature that comes to mind? The strong, decisive, passionate, slightly dangerous, and lustful man. It’s almost comical how obvious the correlation is. Yet that same man who appeals to a woman’s lustful side isn’t necessarily the one who appeals to her desire for safety and comfort in a relationship.

And that’s the rub men: It will be your passion that brings her in, and it will be your security that holds her attention, but in order to develop her into that wanton slut you desire, who continues to explore with you, and to grow in her submission, you must first provide the platform for her to build on.

You must be the foundation, the rock upon which her temple to you is built. Education, practice, communication, discipline, dedication, decisiveness, love, passion, and accountability: These are your tools. You must be ever vigilant to maintain your passion for her. To constantly reaffirm her place in your sexual desires with action and inventiveness; to constantly reaffirm your commitment to her soul with strong communication; her mind with leadership; her heart with consistent love, unending patience, and understanding; and to your relationship with stern discipline.

Committing your life to these principles and their practice is what will ultimately separate you from the cuckold husband, or the douche-bag wanna-be doms. You must be both the lion, and lover. Do these things well, and her submission will blossom, fail and it will wither.

The choice ultimately is yours. Choose wisely.

~ Axiom

"Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”

ridermantel 68M