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New Is Not An Excuse When a D/S partnership is going great, it is like the dominant is a superhero for their submissive and the submissive is a superhero to their d-type. While this is amazing, there is another superpower that is not a good thing and it afflicts the lifestyle community. It does not matter if it is in-person, on Tumblr, FetLife, or any other site in the kink neck of the woods and this superpower is predators sniffing out new submissives. Those who look to prey upon the new to the lifestyle submissive look for someone who is overeager, giving off that new submissive smell coupled with a lack of desire to be cautious and learn carefully. While there is nothing wrong with being new, eager, anxious to explore, and submissive but before someone leaps into the deep end of the D/S dating pool, it is imperative that they can swim effortlessly. Remember this ‘community’ pool does not come with lifeguards, life-jackets, and predators ARE lurking, waiting for someone new to jump off the high dive. Invest in learning all about the lifestyle. What you do not know CAN hurt you. When you write a profile, about me a blurb, or any other little ditty where you share about yourself to the kinkerrific world, please leave the words I am new, inexperienced, or any other words that inform others that you are a newbie to the lifestyle. You can share that with those you choose to connect with but saying those words in such a public way is like jumping into a shark tank filled with chum where those majestic beasts have not been fed in a week. The predatory sharks will be lining up to try to take a bite out of you. It can appear to be very easy to find dominant ‘friends’ as they will seek you out but find and befriend fellow submissives so you have a safe place to get quality feedback, information, and conversation. Many dominants are indeed good humans who truly only wish to be helpful, however, some will attempt to use ‘friendship’ to manipulate/prey upon the newly minted submissive. Learn about the lifestyle, learn about yourself, and learn how it all fits together for you in your life. Even if someone is new, they must have thoughts and ideas of how the lifestyle will fit them. If they are unsure of how any of the puzzle pieces of dating, the lifestyle, and life fit together, they are not ready for the kinky dating pool. I do not mean someone has to have all the answers or the puzzle finished but they have to have a solid start on this life-sized, piece-by-piece adventure. Stop being in a rush. There is no hurry to date, find a dominant, and start planning the happily ever after. All good things come in time but you have to invest your time growing personally in the lifestyle and developing your own knowledge base. Even though it is a ‘lifestyle relationship’, people must remember it is still a relationship. Just because Daddy Don Juan and Natalie Newbie have the same kinks, there still must have all of the normal, vanilla pieces of the relationship puzzle to fit together. Partnerships are unions between people and are not created by a simple matching of fetishes. Remember the saying that were taught about a ‘stranger danger’? Well in the lifestyle rather than a creepy person with candy and a van, we have a trainer danger. Submissives do NOT need a dominant to teach them how to be a submissive. It is imperative to learn the ‘ropes’ through education and building solid friendships. Investing in your personal lifestyle growth will teach you much more than the ‘lifestyle trainer’ (even if he has candy, whips, chains, and a van). Do not fear the in-person community. Sometimes people live in places where there is a lifestyle desert but most people live within an area where there are lifestyle get-togethers. Go out, attend a munch (a purely vanilla event held in public spaces, restaurants/coffee shops), and make real-world connections with others involved in the lifestyle. A person’s submission is their gift to give and no one can take, demand, or claim it, although predators will try. Submission MUST be freely given and because of this submissives have the ultimate power in a lifestyle partnership because they can say no/revoke their submission at any time. This lifestyle requires CONSENT, please do not forget this. It Can Happen To You! It is great to be trusting but always, ALWAYS verify and remember your safety is your responsibility. Bad things do happen to good people but more often bad things happen to good people because they've made a poor decision. Stay smart, trust your intuition, and always err on the side of safety. Do not be arrogant and think bad things will not happen to you. ©TLK2020  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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8/8/2022 11:24 am |
I agree with what you're saying. Especially about "The New Dominant." In my opinion, they couldn't Dom their way out of a paper bag. A submissive is looking for someone to guide her. Not someone that's going to boss her around. There's a big difference. Thank you for sharing your experience. ~M "A submissive is looking for someone to guide her. Not someone that's going to boss her around." I may need to steal that a bit...  Thank you as always.
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My sweet friend. I'm so sorry that happened to you. We, as submissives, tend to want to believe, what a Dom says, to be the end all be all truth. Especially, when we are newbies. I had a similar incident happen to me because I was too eager to please someone I had just met. I walked away with a broken wrist. I think I was lucky that's all that happened. Sometimes it takes these experiences to teach us to be cautious. I hope this post finds you well my friend. ~M X0 "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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This is exceptional reading. I wish there was a way to force new people to educate themselves. But that isn't how this works, is it? For a long time, I've told new submissives (Both online and in person) that they should make friends with established, experienced NON-poly submissives. Those kink-moms and kink-dads can help them navigate the surge of eager dominants and poly couples who often pounce on "fresh meat". What we don't talk about as much, and is for sure less problematic, is new Dominants. In 2009-2010 I first learned about the online kink world. Up to that point, for the 20-25 years beforehand, I had only been involved in local communities. Local communities at that time were very closed societies. As we used to say in Kentucky, running into someone you knew at a kink party was like running into the methodist preacher at the liquor store. You both knew you couldn't tell a soul because you were both there. So one of my first experiences with an online 'submissive' was not a great one. I've never discussed this before and although they were on alt for a long time after our brief interaction, I've not seen them online in a long time (assuming they didn't change their handle like I did?) Suffice to say I don't think anyone who still knows me on alt knew me back quite that far. Anyways... I believe this was before I started blogging. I met folk in the chat rooms. After a couple of months of interaction as D/s she had some troubles. I don't remember the details. But being who I was and who I was to her, I decided I would go see her. I would surprise her and try to cheer her up. I was such a sweet, summer child. Long story short... It was a complete catfish situation. She was a woman... She wasn't trying to financially scam me or anyone else. She just did not match her photos or description. She was living vicariously through interactions on Alt and via phone. I was upset. I felt maybe a bit betrayed. I wasn't really in a good headspace at the time as a newly minted single dad IRL. But I felt a bit sorry for her and probably more than a little embarrassed for my own trust so I kept that secret and moved on. That experience is why you might see me from time to time tell folk, "I never trust anyone is who they say they are online until I've met them in person." I take everyone at face value. But I definitely keep them at arm's length until I've met them. Great read, as always. Thank you! A submissive is looking for someone to guide her. Not someone that's going to boss her around. There's a big difference. Thank you for sharing your experience. ~M "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Predators come in all shapes and forms and disguises. Some don't even know they are actually predatiors, until given the opportunity and power. Beware those who agree with everything you say, to gain your trust. Very good post, covered lots of ground, "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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This post dovetails nicely with my post today on Safe Calls. So much of what I write about our lifestyle, both here and especially in the Facebook Groups I'm in and post to daily, are aimed at the submissive and particularly the novice. They are the ones that need the communities protection. My posts are good pieces for the Dominant to read, too, but the novice sub NEEDS to know what to expect and what to walk away from. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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The predators are everywhere. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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I agree with everything you say and can tell you of some personal experiences. In one case a sub and I agreed to meet in a public place, a food court in a shopping center. She left me with the impression that we would chat with each other there and possibly move on to play. What she did not tell me was that we would be meeting with other friends of hers who were already in the lifestyle, for a vanilla meeting only. This was not what I had been led to believe would happen. When communicating with each other prior to a meeting, do not mislead your potential new partner as to what may and may not happen during that meeting. On several occasions, prior to meeting for play, I have tried to negotiate with newbie subs. I want agreement beforehand on a safe word, which activities we will explore, and which activities we definitely will not engage in. They should too. What the newbie sub often says, however, is that this is far too formal and spoils the fun, and that we should just ad lib as we go along. Wrong, wrong, wrong! "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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One can never be careful enough. The danger is everywhere. It takes time to learn the difference, and even then to stay alert and cautious. No one is more important than you, and your well-being. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Some good advice. I chatted to a dom online and was horrified by what he was into. He was a high flying businessman and told me about his secret world of 'forced subs', (I wasn't allowed to mention the 'r' word on here). He told me he enjoys training new subs and that his sub should learn to do as they are told, no safe words, no say and that a real sub should never say no to their master. Even if his sub was crying/hurting, he (sometimes up to 4 of them would just punish them and be even stricter). Yet, apparently they would always come back for more. He then went on to say he would give his sub a monthly allowance, which explained a lot. It's very sad what some people do for money and put themselves in danger.
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8/6/2022 5:07 pm |
This is exceptional reading. I wish there was a way to force new people to educate themselves. But that isn't how this works, is it? For a long time, I've told new submissives (Both online and in person) that they should make friends with established, experienced NON-poly submissives. Those kink-moms and kink-dads can help them navigate the surge of eager dominants and poly couples who often pounce on "fresh meat". What we don't talk about as much, and is for sure less problematic, is new Dominants. In 2009-2010 I first learned about the online kink world. Up to that point, for the 20-25 years beforehand, I had only been involved in local communities. Local communities at that time were very closed societies. As we used to say in Kentucky, running into someone you knew at a kink party was like running into the methodist preacher at the liquor store. You both knew you couldn't tell a soul because you were both there. So one of my first experiences with an online 'submissive' was not a great one. I've never discussed this before and although they were on alt for a long time after our brief interaction, I've not seen them online in a long time (assuming they didn't change their handle like I did?) Suffice to say I don't think anyone who still knows me on alt knew me back quite that far. Anyways... I believe this was before I started blogging. I met folk in the chat rooms. After a couple of months of interaction as D/s she had some troubles. I don't remember the details. But being who I was and who I was to her, I decided I would go see her. I would surprise her and try to cheer her up. I was such a sweet, summer child. Long story short... It was a complete catfish situation. She was a woman... She wasn't trying to financially scam me or anyone else. She just did not match her photos or description. She was living vicariously through interactions on Alt and via phone. I was upset. I felt maybe a bit betrayed. I wasn't really in a good headspace at the time as a newly minted single dad IRL. But I felt a bit sorry for her and probably more than a little embarrassed for my own trust so I kept that secret and moved on. That experience is why you might see me from time to time tell folk, "I never trust anyone is who they say they are online until I've met them in person." I take everyone at face value. But I definitely keep them at arm's length until I've met them. Great read, as always. Thank you!
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Predators come in all shapes and forms and disguises. Some don't even know they are actually predatiors, until given the opportunity and power. Beware those who agree with everything you say, to gain your trust. Very good post, covered lots of ground,
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This post dovetails nicely with my post today on Safe Calls. So much of what I write about our lifestyle, both here and especially in the Facebook Groups I'm in and post to daily, are aimed at the submissive and particularly the novice. They are the ones that need the communities protection. My posts are good pieces for the Dominant to read, too, but the novice sub NEEDS to know what to expect and what to walk away from.
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The predators are everywhere.
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I prefer a sub w experience vs a newbie!
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I agree with everything you say and can tell you of some personal experiences. In one case a sub and I agreed to meet in a public place, a food court in a shopping center. She left me with the impression that we would chat with each other there and possibly move on to play. What she did not tell me was that we would be meeting with other friends of hers who were already in the lifestyle, for a vanilla meeting only. This was not what I had been led to believe would happen. When communicating with each other prior to a meeting, do not mislead your potential new partner as to what may and may not happen during that meeting. On several occasions, prior to meeting for play, I have tried to negotiate with newbie subs. I want agreement beforehand on a safe word, which activities we will explore, and which activities we definitely will not engage in. They should too. What the newbie sub often says, however, is that this is far too formal and spoils the fun, and that we should just ad lib as we go along. Wrong, wrong, wrong!
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 Slave rick
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8/6/2022 3:56 am |
I like what you said and how you said it. A true master will give his or her sub a safe word and talk to him or her first about what he or she will do the sub can have a say in what to expect.
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One can never be careful enough. The danger is everywhere. It takes time to learn the difference, and even then to stay alert and cautious. No one is more important than you, and your well-being. Mentally, physically, and emotionally.
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 "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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