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Red Flags in BDSM... In order to maintain a healthy relationship, especially within the BDSM community, we need to be aware of signs of unhealthy behavior. Of course, these red flags can appear in any kind of relationship—but it’s extra important when you’re in a relationship with a power dynamic or a heightened risk of injury. Submissives, especially, often find themselves in unhealthy dynamics with no idea how to spot the problems. Dominants, too, are able to experience this. For this reason, I’ve developed an outline of some of the most common red flags I hear from followers and some resources to help you deal with them. (Images are products of the Red Flag Campaign). The following are common things a partner might be doing if you’re in an unhealthy relationship: Insists you do not need a safe word. While some people prefer to play without a safe word, I will always speak against this practice. Safe words are crucial to a healthy D/s because without them, there is no way to revoke consent and that means you or your partner may not want to continue, but has no way of communicating this. If your partner insists that you not use a safe word, you need to be firm in saying that will not be the case. I would take extreme caution with playing with someone who has suggested this, as it shows a lack of responsibility for your or your partner’s safety and mental health. Safe words should always be required of everyone in order safely. If you don’t want to use them, don’t use them—but always have them in place. Claims have no hard or soft limits. This one is more common with submissives, but Dominants do it, as well. Claiming one has no limits shows a) a lack of experience and/or b) dishonesty. Though some people have more limits than others, everyone has limits. If your partner is insisting that they have no limits, ask about something you consider extreme and see if they would agree to it. Communicate the importance of having limits so that everyone is aware of boundaries. No one should go into a scene blind to where the boundaries are. Pressures you into playing in ways that violate your personal limits. If you have established limits and your partner wants you to push them, there are ways to go about this. 1) You express a desire to want to get past a certain limit and your partner discusses ways they can help you with this in a safe and controlled manner to help you explore your sexuality. 2) Your partner hounds you to do something outside your limits and you feel really uncomfortable about this. If your situation sounds like #2, you need either have a strict conversation with your partner about limits or you need to leave the relationship. A healthy dynamic does not involve true force of any kind. Remember that everything within a D/s is consensual and if your partner is pushing you, to do something you don’t consent to, this is unhealthy. Technically, it is abuse or sexual assault. Don’t tolerate this behavior, and seek help if you need it. Plays when they are angry or upset. This is another sign of an abusive relationship. A good partner will not play when they are angry or upset. This can lead to safety concerns, emotional problems, and abuse. Dominants who are angry and wish to punish their submissives need to take time to think about an appropriate punishment instead of lashing out. Physical violence is never a way to solve underlying problems. The submissive should know why they are being punished, agree that it is fair, and feel forgiven after the punishment. Submissives who play when they are upset often cover up mental health problems. While healthy people can play after a bad day and feel much better—unhealthy folks will play to “hurt themselves,” so to speak, and will still feel bad after a scene. If this is the case, the submissive should seek counseling to work out their mental health problems instead of using D/s as a means to self-harm. Playing the sadist to an unstable masochist can end very, very badly. It is dangerous and shouldn’t ever be considered. Put your partner’s mental health above play at all times. Insists that you address them as a specific title (Sir, Master, slut, fuck-toy) upon first meeting them. This is a problem a lot of people face with potential partners. A fact of the matter is, you are no one’s slut or Master until you have formed a relationship of some kind with that person and you both agree to these titles. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to address them in a way you don’t like or be addressed in a disrespectful manner. Does not provide aftercare. Aftercare is absolutely crucial to a healthy D/s relationship, especially ones involving sadism and masochism. In fact, aftercare is often a defining difference between kink and abuse. Aftercare should be done automatically. If you are in need of aftercare and your partner doesn’t realize it—speak up! Both Dominants and submissives who need aftercare are entitled to it after a scene. If your partner ignores your needs and does not provide aftercare, you need to leave the relationship. This is an abuse of power and shows a lack of responsibility. You should never leave a scene feeling bad. Aftercare is key to maintaining a healthy relationship. A guide to aftercare can be found here. Does not respect your safe word. Safe words, again, are required. If your partner ignores or refuses to respect your safe word, this is assault. The scene needs to end with your safe word, always. Anything past that is no different than continuing after a “no” for relationships without a specific safe word. This is a revoke of consent and anything further without explicit consent is assault. Never, ever play with someone who doesn’t respect your needs to stop or pause the scene. This is dangerous and highly abusive. Insists you stop using birth control or barriers during sex. Some people like birth control restrictions with their partner, and that’s fine for stable relationships with the intent to care for any resulting from that pregnancy. However, if you are not intending on getting pregnant and your partner insists you stop using birth control, this is a major red flag. This is abusive and highly dangerous. The same goes for couples who cannot get pregnant and use barriers like condoms to prevent the spread of STDs. Never be forced into not using these methods. If one person in a relationship wants to use them, they will be used. No further questions. Initiates when you or your partner are<b> intoxicated. </font></b>Couples can and will make their own decisions on this, and I am not here to tell you anything but the facts. Playing with an<b> intoxicated </font></b>person is assault. Even if you’re in a committed relationship. A person who is drunk or high cannot consent to sex legally in the US and you or your partner may end up with charges, even if the person says “yes.” Contracts and consent prior to intoxication do not hold up in court, either. To be safe, always wait to play until the person is sober. For your safety and theirs, do not play with an<b> intoxicated </font></b>person. Makes you feel guilty for using your safe word. Never, ever feel guilty for needing to stop. It doesn’t matter if you need to stop because you were triggered or because your leg is cramping—never let your partner tell you it’s not okay. Any partner that makes you feel bad for safe wording is a horrible person and doesn’t deserve your trust. It’s emotionally abusive to make someone feel bad for needing to stop play/sex. Don’t tolerate it—you have every right to decide if you need to stop. Refuses to have conversations about consent/limits/desires. Communication is so important. If your partner can’t communicate important things like limits, safe words, consent, or their desires, it’s going to be tricky. This is a red flag because it can lead to problems down the road. Relationships are difficult without proper communication—there simply isn’t a way around it. Insist on communicating these important topics or find a new partner who will. Does not treat you as an equal or disrespect you out of scenes. Unless you’ve discussed and agreed upon a 24/7 relationship, the scene ends with a safe word or natural progression. This means humiliation and painful physical contact stop there. Submissives who find themselves being put down by their partners out of scenes or at inappropriate times need to evaluate their relationship. Your self-worth will never depend on your partner and no one deserves to be with someone who makes them feel bad without their consent. If any of the previous red flags apply to you or someone you love, please urge them to seek help. The following resources can be used in cases of sexual or physical violence: National Sexual Assault Hotline (US): 1.800. 656.HOPE Domestic Violence Hotline (US): 1-800-799-SAFE ~Dominant Life *Achieve  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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9/2/2022 7:31 am |
Good article for all but especially for those new to the scene.
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Words of infinite wisdom. Regarding limits, those of us who subscribed to kink dot com's "Training of O" channel, particularly in its early years (when a trainee would go through four days of sessions) should have learned a lot about the importance of communication. During the first on-camera meeting, the lady and the trainer would discuss, at length, what the trainee's goals were. If, for example, her goal was to overcome her fear of sensory deprivation, the two would discuss how the trainer would set about to do so and how far she wanted to be pushed. Safe words were confirmed and the trainee was always encouraged to use them. Since there were to be four sessions, whether done on-camera or off, it was clear that the sessions were planned so there would be incremental steps towards the goal. Therefore, after the week's shots were wrapped, there would always be an exit interview, where the trainer and trainee reviewed what they'd done, whether the goals were achieved and how she felt about each step. I would say those should be mandatory viewing if a couple wants to make this a part of their relationship. Cheers, young lady. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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This post has so many good points. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Safe words are very crucial to any relationship! "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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This is a great list, for every one, wanting to be part of the BDSM world. The thing is, if you dont take the time to really get to know the other person, when there is no open communication flow.... When both people dont feel really comfortable with each other, S H I T can always happen. But when it is normal for a submissive to talk to the dominant, about everything and all, when this dominant accept, encourage all communication from the submissive, also during a scene/ play, or how ever else you wanne call it... The change is small, that things go wrong Also, you know, sometime, shit just happens, even when the D type is a good D. Both have a responsibility in the whole dynamic/ play contact.. scene. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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I really like how you lay this out (Issue then your reasoning). While there are as many "red flags" as there are relationships out there, each a unique set, your list hits the big ones for the inexperienced and the experienced. The other one I would add specifically for first meets: A new potential partner insists the first meet be in private: Always meet first at a public place preferably with backup on standby in case things go south.  ."Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Very good post. Definitely required reading. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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You are most welcome, J. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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another excellent post! should be read by everyone on this site "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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8/27/2022 10:42 pm |
Thanks. I have obseved so many men ( dominants) that I would describe as abused children that decided something like, " now I have my chance .. to get them/ do to them what they want. As oppsed to wanting to guide/train subs to know who they are and how they can feel fulfilled in their lives ( in whatever manner they choose.) PS They do not like being called out on it either.
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Words of infinite wisdom. Regarding limits, those of us who subscribed to kink dot com's "Training of O" channel, particularly in its early years (when a trainee would go through four days of sessions) should have learned a lot about the importance of communication. During the first on-camera meeting, the lady and the trainer would discuss, at length, what the trainee's goals were. If, for example, her goal was to overcome her fear of sensory deprivation, the two would discuss how the trainer would set about to do so and how far she wanted to be pushed. Safe words were confirmed and the trainee was always encouraged to use them. Since there were to be four sessions, whether done on-camera or off, it was clear that the sessions were planned so there would be incremental steps towards the goal. Therefore, after the week's shots were wrapped, there would always be an exit interview, where the trainer and trainee reviewed what they'd done, whether the goals were achieved and how she felt about each step. I would say those should be mandatory viewing if a couple wants to make this a part of their relationship. Cheers, young lady.
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This post has so many good points. Howling at the moon and mal ad osteo.
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Safe words are very crucial to any relationship!
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When people really, really know each other, it is possible to have no safe word. For some slave women it is the deepest form of trust between the two people, It is something mostly done in a 24/7 day to day, power/authority transfer. Not in some sort of casual play contact.
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This is a great list, for every one, wanting to be part of the BDSM world. The thing is, if you dont take the time to really get to know the other person, when there is no open communication flow.... When both people dont feel really comfortable with each other, S H I T can always happen. But when it is normal for a submissive to talk to the dominant, about everything and all, when this dominant accept, encourage all communication from the submissive, also during a scene/ play, or how ever else you wanne call it... The change is small, that things go wrong Also, you know, sometime, shit just happens, even when the D type is a good D. Both have a responsibility in the whole dynamic/ play contact.. scene.
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8/27/2022 6:08 am |
I really like how you lay this out (Issue then your reasoning). While there are as many "red flags" as there are relationships out there, each a unique set, your list hits the big ones for the inexperienced and the experienced. The other one I would add specifically for first meets: A new potential partner insists the first meet be in private: Always meet first at a public place preferably with backup on standby in case things go south.
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Attagirl! You should publish this in more outlets. This is the stuff one needs to access on early beginnings. Very educational.
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8/27/2022 4:23 am |
Very good post. Definitely required reading.
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another excellent post! should be read by everyone on this site
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Take what you need and leave the rest. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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