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Thoughts For Newer Dominants In the days before everyone had navigation on their smart devices, many comedians joked about how men would be reluctant to admit they were lost when driving and even more unwilling to ask for directions once they confessed to being lost. While being new to the D/S lifestyle is completely different than taking a road trip without GPS, some of those old jokes caused me to think of what it must be like to be new, exploring the dominant side of life, and have to do so without any real guidance. Sure, there are blogs, websites, Facebook groups, and subreddits galore but what is good guidance, what is hogwash, and how on earth would someone with zero experience be able to recognize the difference? So, this question caused me to think about some of the bad behaviors that drive me a bit batty. What I am thinking does not justify or make any of these poor choices acceptable but as I thought through some of these common occurrences, I wondered if some of the folks who are behaving badly are doing so because they lack a kinky GPS thus having no idea how far off the charts they are. So, I did my best to step back, look around, and attempt to visualize the online lifestyle as it might appear to a very inexperienced dominant. I am going to start with the Booby Bandits and Balony Pony Pilots. These are the folks who attempt to start a conversation by leading with unsolicited pictures of their naughty novelties as though the sight of their schlong or vajayjay would make someone swoon into submission. Please take a minute, close your eyes, and imagine what a new d-type is inundated with online. How many of you thought porn, okay, maybe not hardcore biscuit in the basket porn but that coupled with a metric poop ton of let’s call them sensual images. Lifestyle sites are awash in boobies, butts, and boners. I am not saying this is a bad thing because D/S should be a place that is sex-positive, body-positive, and if you want to show yourself off, go for it, do what makes you happy or who makes you happy but if you can imagine how all of this might appear to someone coming in with zero experience, perhaps one can see how people get confused on which “headshots” to share. Just point yourself to fabulous FetLife, flutter around a bit, and note what people of all genders and roles use as their profile pictures. The sheer number of people that we have no idea what color their eyes are but if they ever stuck their private parts in our face we could say, “Oh, you are so and so from FetLife”. Up next are the purveyors of pet names and submissives I am sure you know exactly what mean. Without so much as even a quarter of a conversation, these d-types are dropping princess, prince, sexy, cutie, babe, and, as a bonus, slut in place of your name when gosh darn it, they do not even know that yet because you have not shared it. This is not meant to be an excuse, but when I strolled through places that advertise their group for newbies, I saw a lot of s-types using pet names to refer to themselves. It should be common sense to ask before calling someone a nick or pet name, I wonder if common sense is indeed common anymore but take a moment, imagine you are brand new, reading a post where Sally Submissive calls herself ‘Babygirl’ and Nate Newbie reaches out using her term since he has no idea her name is Sally. Is it wrong, yes indeedie but with all the different and uniquely good ways people in the lifestyle describe themselves perhaps things such as this exacerbate the pet name problem? Finally, I want to talk about the hasty honorific hoarders. These are the d-types that demand to be called a title for a variety of reasons. Speaking of reasons, I have to share my favorite bad reason for a d-type to demand an honorific…Drum roll please…” Call me SIR. Because I said so” and it flashed me back to Cameron on the phone in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Alright, that is off my chest and it is not just new d-types who have yet to grasp that titles must be earned but s-types do it as well because occasionally a message will hit my inbox from someone that I have never or rarely spoken with that starts with “Hi Daddy” or “Hey Daddy”. I also understand that some places, for example, the American South, Sir, and Ma’am are commonly used when engaging in a conversation but here in the lifestyle I believe there needs to be a correlation between title use and earned respect. Once again though, if a person is new to the d side of life, I think it could be very easy to misunderstand that honorifics are merited by actions rather than simply expected. I am not sharing my thoughts today as an excuse for these behaviors nor are they an attempt to justify them. My goal here is to simply try to open minds to the fact some of the crappy conduct that happens, especially online, might simply be from potentially good people who are just swept up in a sea of porn, pet names, and proper positions. I know that I have been guilty of eye-rolling mixed with a little face-palming shaken, but not stirred, with a healthy dose of snarkcasm when I have encountered these actions, however, I never stopped to think what was behind it all. Certainly, some donkey people are doing these things but as I thought about it, there could very likely be some amazing people who just have been taken down paths of bad lifestyle education. Going forward I am going to work to do a better job of offering positive advice when confronted with a poor choice by someone because they could simply be a misguided person and I want to ask others to join me in teaching with kindness rather than assuming asinine actions are attached to an ass as I have often done in the past. ©TLK2022  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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Very well stated
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Good advice.....
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Good points. I find this happening a lot in the Facebook BDSM educational group I moderate and post to. So many don't learn the right way, or are outright lied to about the proper way.
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What hardtop4you says. You dont know, what you dont know..... I my experience with those guys, they are unwillng to learn, especially, when a submissve advice him, to read some... Or give them some D profiles to read... and learn! Met too many horny vanilla guys, with a personality problem Not able or willing to learn. The wrong types.
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9/9/2022 8:05 am |
This took me a while to read. It seems that there is a fundamental psychological slant to it all.
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Engaging in this lifestyle does not mean that the Rules of Life (including manners) must be suspended or ignored.
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9/9/2022 5:43 am |
Very well done. I have and am on both sides and I do understand completely.
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WHOOOOO GEILE AND SENSUAL PICS!!!!!!!!!!!
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9/9/2022 4:53 am |
Making good choices comes with good judgment . . Good judgment comes with experience . . Experience comes from making bad choices.
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As always, take what you need, and leave the rest. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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