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It's Not Supposed To Be Fair.... I recently was rambling around online, as I often do, and I ran across a Dominant saying something that caught my eye. Now, I’d heard other Dominants (and even submissives, much as it pains me to say) utter the same words, but for whatever reason this time it was a bit of a ‘straw that broke the camel’s back for me. It had always irritated me, but now… I wanted to kick something. Instead, I decided to do what is hopefully a bit more productive, and incidentally entertaining. Write about it. So, what, you may be asking yourself, did the Dominant say in order to put the figurative fire under me “It’s not supposed to be fair… I’m the Dominant.” Let’s just look at this, conceptually and logically, for a minute, shall we? Because if not, my head might explode. And really, who is going to explain that to the paramedics? The first definition of dominant (yes, the adjective) is ‘most important, powerful, or influential. It’s not a huge leap to (at least broadly) define Dominant, then, as ‘the person who IS most important, powerful, or influential, though I might argue that the use of ‘important’ in that definition is something that would deserve refining/fleshing out… both Dominant and submissive are equally important in a D/s relationship, as both require the other to HAVE said relationship. Regardless, we understand that the Dominant in the D/s relationship is the person in authority. Fine. Groovy. But nowhere, to my knowledge, is being dominant mutually exclusive to being fair. A person not only can be in charge and yet fair in their dealings with/treatment of those over whom they wield authority, but should be. Because you know what happens when they’re not? They are no longer dominant; they are tyrannical and self-centered. I’m not sure at what point the idea of being a Dominant twisted to mean not just ‘the one in charge but also ‘the one who can do what he wants, and it doesn’t matter if it’s right or not, but it boggles my mind that it is appearing to be the commonly accepted definition with increasing regularity. Let me take a moment to spotlight and clarify what I mean by fair. Do I think a man telling his submissive to kneel down, suck his cock until he achieves orgasm, then go about her tasks with no orgasm of her own is unfair? Not remotely. In fact, it can be rather hot (hey, I’m nothing if not honest). But do I think it would be unfair if that was the ongoing state of things in their relationship, that only one person gave and only one person received? Um… worlds of yes. See, there is a difference between ‘every single minute, all things will be equally distributed within the relationship’ (which is NOT what I am talking about) and ‘in the encompassing view of the relationship, there will be an equal distribution of attention given to needs being met and care being given to each partner. As I am the queen of analogies, let me put it to you like this… a relationship’s emotional interaction/stability is much like a bank account. If one makes regular withdrawals (receives from the submissive), but doesn’t put in a like number of deposits (received by the submissive), then before long, the bank account will be rendered unable to give anything at all, as it will have been completely depleted. Now, there is also a second aspect of fairness, one which is not about selfishness or lack of mutual care, per se, but about consistency, accountability, forthrightness, and even-handedness. These things are integral to this particular dimension of ‘fair’. Arbitrary rule changes without communication, a refusal to recognize/claim errors made, dishonesty, infidelity (totally unrelated to consensually open relationships), disrespect (and no, I don’t mean humiliation or objectification, etc., during play),<b> punishments </font></b>that don’t match crimes, and willful dismissal of a partner’s limits or welfare… these are all things (plus some not listed) that are not fair. In my opinion, when this latter type of ‘fair’ is ignored, it is a quick path to either someone ending up physically/emotionally damaged or, perhaps more commonly, a relationship failing to survive. And what good, exactly, does those things do anyone? No matter how dedicated and giving a submissive, she/he still wants to be happy. More than that, though, they need to feel safe, in order to function in their role as completely as both they and their Dominant would wish. It is almost impossible to feel safe if you can’t trust the rules, and even more so the rule maker. I absolutely believe that someone being fair is closely intertwined with their being found to be trustworthy, and a safe place in which to invest one’s heart and submission. Why is it, then, that a fair-sized portion of the current community members finds the idea of ‘fair’, when applied to a Dominant, to be anathema? I have seen the “it’s not supposed to be fair” statement, in various forms, more times than I can count. It makes my eyes cross. Having a position of authority is not supposed to equal being a jackass who abuses power regularly for his own gratification and gives no thought to the well-being of others. It’s just not. Those in power are supposed to be there because they DESERVE to be, not just because they WANT to be. And the deserving? Own their mistakes, mete out<b> punishments </font></b>with an even and considered hand, keep rules consistent, and value the well-being of those underneath their umbrella of authority as much as they value their own. The best example I can think of is the Captain of a ship. There is no question he’s the Dominant in that particular situation, as it were. He is inarguably in charge. But a good Captain doesn’t merely toss out orders and have people do what he says, he also looks after the health, morale, safety, security, and general good state of those that are responsible for running the ship that he is steering. He is fair, or he is not a good Captain. And he needs to be fair, for two reasons… if he’s not, pretty soon the ship isn’t going to be running the way he’d like, as an unhealthy and resentful crew isn’t going to be doing their work very effectively. Secondly, a grossly unfair Captain ends up facing something no one wants… That whole pesky mutiny thing. - The Girl in the Woman *Archive  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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Jane Birkin is such a beautiful woman. 
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I thought it was an interesting piece, J. I'm glad you liked it. ~Mxxx "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Sounds like the one uttering such foolishness wants to be a dictator, in charge of their own North Korea. When those who decide to form a partnership for whatever endeavor, Yes, it is supposed to be fair... But being fair does not always mean equal shares...  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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I always keep in mind that it's a two-way street! "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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agreed all great valid points sadly thou there are the narcissitic sadist DOMinates that have no care for the welfare & being of the sub...it takes all kinds to make the village just make you sure you don’t live in their neighborhood! lol "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Selfishness in Dominants gets worse and worse since the dawn of the internet. Too many Dominants seem to think it's their "right" to be selfish and take constantly. I preach the same things that are in this article, but coming from me, a Dominant, is different than when it comes from a submissive. Different people listen. , and the more that understand these thoughts, the better for the Community and specifically for submissives. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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like the captain analogy. thanks again for another great post "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Selfishness in Dominants gets worse and worse since the dawn of the internet. Too many Dominants seem to think it's their "right" to be selfish and take constantly. I preach the same things that are in this article, but coming from me, a Dominant, is different than when it comes from a submissive. Different people listen. , and the more that understand these thoughts, the better for the Community and specifically for submissives.
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Sounds like the one uttering such foolishness wants to be a dictator, in charge of their own North Korea. When those who decide to form a partnership for whatever endeavor, Yes, it is supposed to be fair... But being fair does not always mean equal shares...
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I always keep in mind that it's a two-way street!
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9/25/2022 6:12 am |
It is the wanting and the needing of expectations that makes Dominants and submissives equal. “I am the Dom, so I set the rules, the expectations and the priorities”. Well good for you, don’t all of us Doms do that? Yes, but only the foolish don’t realize we can only set these rules and expectations and priorities to a partner who as an equal has her own set of rules, expectations and priorities she needs. As much as a Dominant expects a submissive to follow their concepts of rules, expectations and priorities, a Dominant must be willing to do likewise for a submissive. Both partners need something within a relationship. Yes a submissive wants to have rules and sets of priorities and expectations set for them, but they also have some needs of their own that a Dominant needs to fill. Dominance an submission does not make a relationship. It is a power exchange within a relationship.
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agreed all great valid points sadly thou there are the narcissitic sadist DOMinates that have no care for the welfare & being of the sub...it takes all kinds to make the village just make you sure you don’t live in their neighborhood! lol
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like the captain analogy. thanks again for another great post
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I really love this piece. As with all my posts, take what you need and leave the rest. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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