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Lowering The Boom I believe that part of a dominant’s responsibilities in a lifestyle relationship is holding their partner accountable which is a crucial component of a D/S partnering, however, when accountability has to happen it is not fun. While it would be amazing if every dominant found their perfect submissive partner that never needed to have their course corrected but alas we are all humans and no matter how detailed we draw our charts, we will get blown off course requiring correction. With this in mind, I wanted to write about what I believe should happen when a dominant needs to bring their submissive back onto their charted path after being blown off course. Since I am talking about lowering the boom today I want to start by saying while I believe in structure as well as accountability, I do not believe in punishment. Now, this is not an attempt to change minds but just give a bit of a better understanding of how I view things. Rather than punish, I believe that when needed a submissive should be corrected. Some may say I am just substituting one for another, I disagree. My wonderful friend Webster defines punishment as “to make someone suffer for a crime or for bad behavior” and correction as “the act of making something such as an error or a bad condition accurate or better”. A submissive needs to understand that they have made an error but together as a D/S couple, they will address it, fix what can be fixed, and then correct it so the next time life throws a similar curveball it will be hit out of the park rather than a strikeout. I feel when a dominant must hold their submissive responsible, the first step in the process is a calm discussion of what happened because a submissive should never wonder why they are being corrected. The d-type must lead the conversation but make sure the submissive has a voice and that their voice is both listened to and heard. Leadership is so important because when a submissive is part of the conversation (not a dominant lecturing or talking at their submissive), it makes the correction effective. After all, the submissive will understand and buy into the process. The more effectively a d-type can correct, the deeper and more impactful the lesson will be learned. The entire process of correction needs to be a safe place for the submissive with the only emotion allowed being love. Any negative emotions that the dominant might be carrying such as anger or frustration need to be set aside and if they cannot be readily put away the d-type needs to postpone the correcting until they can do that. It is never easy to lead a critical conversation that may upset your partner however in this lifestyle it is imperative that partners communicate effectively and the d-type makes the submissive feel safe during this. Making this process a safe space is so important because in the world we live in we will often spend time apart from our partners due to careers as well as the other demands of life. Additionally, I believe allows a submissive to more comfortably come forward to self-report miscues rather than hope their dominant does not discover them or struggle with guilt rather than coming forward. When a d-type has created a safe place for correction, it makes the process easier to begin, encourages communication, and builds a stronger bond between dominant and submissive. No matter what the act of correction is (writing lines, standing in the corner, or another effective task), once it is completed the dominant has two last steps to take. The d-type needs to engage in self-reflection to discover what lessons they need to learn from the incident. Perhaps they need to tweak or enhance a guideline so their submissive has a clearer picture of expectations or find that lesson life plants in all of our experiences to continue their growth as their submissive’s leader. While this is the last step in my unique process, it is vitally important. There needs to be no coming back to the error, it must be let go of as though it is water under a bridge and the dominant must keep leading the relationship forward to what is next. There is no room in the inn for passive-aggressive dominance. Thank you for taking a moment and reading my thoughts. I hope this gives a bit of an idea of why punishment is not for me however I will correct when needed and use the correction to make us better, stronger, and closer than before. An error on a submissive’s part should not be a reason to make them suffer punishment. I believe leadership is about leading submissives away from suffering and into safety, and I am a leader, not a punisher. ©TLK2020  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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Punishments seem like literary devices to me. I can see them at intimate times, but again they seem like part of some scenario during play. I suppose it all depends on the dynamics of a relationship.
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Although I'm just dipping my toe in the sea of submissiveness, I am learning so much from your blog posts, and I love the beautiful pictures that accompany them. Thank you. 
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1/17/2023 2:26 pm |
Very well said..
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Never in anger, and always after discussion on how to prevent the issue in the future. Where do you find TLK's writing? They are great.
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I don't care to punish, and certainly not on an arbitrary basis that some subscribe to. Any corporeal play, is............well just play. Punishment or correction is first addressed in discussion. If the bad behavior continues , it is an act of being bratty in many cases, which to me is a call for "punishment" play. My kinds of punishment are not harmful, they may be more time out, restriction of activity and so forth. But punishment is never doled out when angry for sure. I don't anger easy anyway. Buy any punishment other than the restriction/time out kind of thing is mostly requiring them to do that that are distasteful; such as making them get on hand and knees and clean the grout in the shower. Sometimes I have had a submissive who repeatedly do thing......well I have them count the beans used to weight a pie crust during the initial baking. Tedious, but gives them time to think about how she should behave. "One Big Sky Covers Us All Equally"
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This is an important blog because it is a teaching moment for those that lead to understand and to self evaluate. There is a of difference between accountability and blame. If I hold you accountable an for whatever reason you fail to perform the protocol I not only have to evaluate you but I have to evaluate the protocol and my intent in structuring it. Most don't conceive that their protocol could be mistaken preferring to just blame the person and their sincere attempt.
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I like the approach!
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as a submissive i wholeheartedly agree with this post. when you get down to it, it always involves transparency, honesty, and communication and in this case it's as to why punishment is warranted.
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I find his tactics admirable. How do you as a Dom/me, dole out punishments? "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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