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The BDSM Glossary  One of the things that I love about this lifestyle is the open and accepting nature of the majority of people who call the lifestyle home or have stopped by to explore as well as learn. With the lifestyle being diverse and welcoming people tend to be more open about their sexual orientation among their lifestyle peers than perhaps they are in the vanilla world, plus under the umbrella of D/S there is a plateau of roles. Recently, on my podcast, I chatted about why I think it is important that people who are newer invest time in learning before deciding on a role and this started my gears turning because there are so many different orientations and roles what do they all mean? So, I want to take a few minutes, this will be a touch long, and do my best to define many of those that come to mind. Before I get started, there are four things I want to state upfront: First, this is not a definitive list of orientations and roles, so please do not take it as such. Secondly, I believe people are not the sum of the labels used to give an overview of who they are. Individuals should not be evaluated by how they identify but by who they are as a person. Thirdly, understand that how I define things is my opinion and no more. I feel that the question “What does this mean for you?” is a query that is especially important in the lifestyle. Never assume that how you define an orientation or role is how someone else does. Finally, people can and do often use more than one of these identifiers. With that out of the way, it is time to get down to business. Keeping with the saying that “sex sells”, and with this ditty getting rolling, I will start with some of the identifiers people use to describe their sexuality, and with the word sex appearing near the top of this, it might entice a few readers to hang out, reading more than normal. Androsexual – Is being attracted to maleness. It is important to understand that this is an attraction to masculinity, not biology. In other words, it does not require a penis to be masculine. Asexual – This is one of the identifiers that I am seeing more commonly used and people who describe themselves this way do not become sexually attracted to others, no matter the other’s gender. Just like in D/S both D and S types are large umbrellas under which there are many different ways to self-identify there is here as well. For example, someone may identify as an asexual bisexual. It is important to not assume that an asexual person is not interested in a partnership just because they do not have an interest in sex. Also, some asexuals will use the term ‘ace’ as a self-descriptor. Because asexuality is an umbrella term, here are some of the items which are commonly found under it: Cupiosexual – Someone who does not feel sexual attraction however they desire sex. Libidoist Asexual – An asexual with sexual desires taken care of via masturbation. Non-Libidosist Asexual – Has no sexual desire and/or lacks a sex drive. Sex-Averse – Are very apathetic in sex. Sex-Favorable – In certain situations or moods, they may feel sexual. Sex-Indifferent – Just like it sounds, they are unconcerned about engaging in sex. Sex-Repulsed – A cousin to sex-averse but disgusted with sex or sexual desires. And with that unexpected and repulsive news, the asexual umbrella is put away, for now. Autosexual – If you enjoy sex in cars. Kidding, this is someone who finds sexual attraction in themselves, and spending time self-pleasuring yourself does not make you an autosexual. Bicurious – Someone who is interested in or has limited experience with having sex, a relationship, or both with people of different genders. Bisexual – Just like bicurious but someone who has experience or is confident in their decision. Closeted – I know this is not a sexual orientation nor a lifestyle role with many reading this thinking of an LBGTQIA+ person who keeps their sexuality hidden for a variety of reasons. For me, I believe that many not only in the LBGTQIA+ but in the D/S lifestyle as well are closeted. There are not many within BDSM that are open with everyone from co-workers, family, as well as friends about their lifestyle choices. So I just wanted to add this into the mix here as a little food for thought. Demisexual – Some place demisexuals under the umbrella of asexuality but I disagree. For me, someone who identifies this way needs to build an amazing connection with another before developing a sexual desire. Fluid – This often means that a person’s sexuality or behaviors can and do change as time marches on or different people can bring out various desires. In my opinion, everyone is fluid with their sexuality as things change based on experience and unique people can bring out certain desires. Gay – I do not think this is news to anyone reading this but this refers to people who are sexually and/or romantically drawn toward those with the same/similar gender. Graysexual – This is another asexual umbrella term but just like demisexual, I think it can stand on its own. These people do have sexual desires however they are often not as strong as the average person. Gynesexual – This is the opposite of androsexual with the attraction being to femininity and please remember that femininity does not require matching anatomy. Heterosexual – The orientation for the closed minds of the world. The easy way to define this is the attraction to the contrasting gender, such as a male being drawn to a female. The following is an after-posting edit: The comment about closed minds is due to the fact that intolerant minds sometimes spew hateful messaging about anyone who identifies as anything but heterosexual. There is, in my opinion, absolutely nothing wrong with heterosexuality, being heterosexual, or the like provided those with different orientations are respected and loved. Homosexual – It is time to mention that this term is one that in my view needs to be deep-sixed. Many, myself included, think it is both long past its expiration date and offensive. So, if this word is still part of your lexicon, kindly remove it. Lesbian – A person who is or identifies as a female who is attracted to the same. Monosexual – This is an individual who is only attracted to one gender. Omnisexual/Pansexual – Someone who is not attracted exclusively to one gender or orientation. Polysexual – At first blush, some reading this might think this is linked to those who practice ethical nonmonogamy but it does not. This is an ‘umbrella’ term meaning a person is attracted to different genders with bisexual, omnisexual, and pansexual falling underneath it. Pomosexual – Sorry perverts, read that again. It is pomosexual, not pornosexual. So, this is not someone attracted to porn stars. What this is are people who refuse to have their desires labeled or someone who does not feel connected with one. Queer – When it rains, it pours and it must be a downpour because we have another of those umbrella words. This covers anyone who is not heterosexual and for some, this can be an offensive term while it is not for others. This means that queer should be used with common sense as well as courtesy. If you are unsure how someone feels about this word, do not use it or discuss it before saying it. Questioning – This is just like it sounds, in that, a person who identifies this way is investigating their sexuality and or gender identification. It does not mean they are indecisive, waffling, or anything negative but I believe it to be an amazing positive because the person is in touch with who they are but they have not decided on what their fit is. Sapiosexual – This has to be one of the ‘hot’ new descriptors that people are picking to self-identify with. It is great that many people are discovering that brains are sexy as H E Double Hockey Sticks, especially for a nerd like me but I do believe it is important to understand the rest of the sapiosexual story. The experts, those who are professional word definers, also add that a sapiosexual values brain power over sexual desires as well as set genders. Skoliosexual – A person who desires those who have non-cis identities. Spectrasexual – This is not someone who finds members of the fictional crime organization Spectre from the Bond films attractive but someone who finds varied identities or sexes desirable but it does not mean they find all attractive. I believe the singer Morrissey’s quote is a good fit here, ”I am attracted to humans. But, of course, not many.” Straight – Just another way to say heterosexual. As I said above, this is not a complete list but I have reached the end of the list of sexual orientations I am going to talk about here and now it is time to dig into labels that are used as identifiers in BDSM. Please remember this list is not the end-all and be-all, never assume things about another based on the terms they use as self-identifiers, always ask what they mean to that particular person, and people will often use multiple of these terms to describe themselves. Ageplayer – Most commonly thought of when someone enjoys taking on a younger age than they are in real life but it can also be a person who enjoys acting older than their actual age. Babyboy – Where one partner role plays an age-regressed male and the other partner plays the role of Mommy or Daddy. This does not mean role-playing and having sex with one’s real-life Father or Mother but allows the ‘’ to be freed of responsibility which can be very liberating for those involved. Babygirl – Same as Babyboy except one partner takes the role of an age-regressed female . Big – A person who takes the role of an older person, often an adult during age regression play. Often the dominant partner. Bootblack – Most are always submissive and enjoy providing the service, often to their dominant partner but not always, of cleaning and polishing their d-types boots. Bottom – During BDSM play the person in the submissive role. For example, the bottom would be the person being spanked in a spanking scene. It can also mean someone who enjoys a submissive role during play but not being in a D/S relationship. Brat – A submissive who takes great pleasure in pushing their dominant’s buttons, often looking forward to the accountability that will result from their playfulness. A brat does not ‘push the buttons’ of every dominant they encounter, just theirs because the brattiness is a symbol of the respect and devotion they have for their dominant. Bull – A role in a cuckold relationship. They are the third person brought in to give pleasure to the female because the bull is often viewed as having superior sexual skills than the permanent male partner. Humiliation may or may not be part of this type of play. Caregiver – This is becoming more used than the traditional daddy dominant and little girl/boy because it is easier to understand and it does not have a connotation that causes non-lifestyle people to think of . It can also mean a person who plays the role of grown-up during age regression play but is not the lifestyle mommy/daddy of the person age regressing. Cuckold – A person, typically in the husband/boyfriend role, who takes pleasure in their partner having sex with others, which is done as means for the other partner to assert control over them. This is typically the male designation. Cuckquean – The female designation of cuckold. Daddy – Often a dominant who prefers to lead with a more parental style rather than a traditional dominant with a more service-orientated approach. Age play is often mistakenly assumed to be part of what a daddy is however this is a myth. While some do enjoy this, it is a mistake to make this assumption. Disciplinarian – A style of dominance where the d-type creates a structure to educate their submissive on what they want and hold them accountable. Do not let the role fool you, while a disciplinarian does uphold accountability, they are not furious screamers enraged when their s-type missteps but they do believe accountability is required to help their submissive grow. Doll – This is a submissive role where the person wishes to be objectified or perhaps altered by how they dress, the makeup used, and, in some cases, surgical measures. Dominant – A simple way to define this complex term is the person who has been given power in a relationship or scene by a submissive. Some also use this label as a person who identifies as male in this role. Dominatrix – A female-identifying dominant who engages in BDSM play, often for financial gain. Domme – Used by some as the female-identifying dominant. Drag King/Queen – Often performance artists dressed as their opposite gender during a show. A secondary meaning is that a drag queen transitions at a younger age with drag helping them address their gender while a drag king is someone who revisits their gender identity because they did/are doing drag. Evolving – What all of us are doing all the time and that is changing. Within the lifestyle, people will adopt the evolving label often when a significant event(s) has them rethinking their role within BDSM or perhaps their involvement in the lifestyle. Exhibitionist – Someone who enjoys the attention they receive for showing off their body or performing BDSM and/or sexual acts in front of an audience. Exploring – This is in my opinion the perfect role for people who are newer to the lifestyle. Even if a person comes to the lifestyle believing a role to be ideal, by taking the exploring label I feel helps keep one’s mind open rather than seeking preordained solutions. Feminizer – An individual, often a D-type, who enjoys ‘making’ a submissive male do things or act in ways that a considered female. Fetishist – A person who has a sexual fetish. So, odds are if you are reading this, you are indeed this. This also typically implies that the person is looking to enjoy/act on their fetishes but may not seek a lifestyle partnership. Furry – People who have an interest in drawing, creating, and even dressing as animals with human characteristics. Often, it is non-sexual however it can also have a sexual side. This is a realm that blossomed because of the internet. Gorean – This is a kink-related lifestyle based on novels by John Norman. These relationships typically have what is best described as a master/slave theme and many of those involved in the Gorean lifestyle do not think of their lifestyle as being part of BDSM however some do. Because of the similarities, those who practice this lifestyle often find a kindred community with BDSM. Handler – It is often a dominant who has learned a set of skills where they enjoy playing the role of the caretaker or owner of a person who enjoys role-playing the part of a pet. Hedonist – Within the D/S community, it is typically people who often enjoy the fetishes and kinky fuckery of D/S but do not wish to have a lifestyle partnership. They are involved in the community to explore while enjoying their pleasures. Hotwife – A married/attached woman who enjoys adding additional males to their bedroom shenanigans with the consent and often involvement of their husband/partner. Kajira – The role of a slave in the John Norman novels. In these books, the slaves were females who essentially had two tasks, take care of the household chores and be sex slaves. Kinkster – Another word for hedonist where people enjoy their kinky fuckery but do not want or are not ready for a D/S relationship. Kitten – Kitten play is a role-play or part of the D/S dynamic where the dominant is not only a D-type but also the owner of their cat, which is also their submissive. In these relationships, the submissive will at times roleplay in kitten mode. Additionally, it is a generic pet name for a submissive. Little – Typically a submissive who enjoys age regression play typically range in age from infant, which may include diapers, to the age of eleven or twelve. Masochist – A person, often submissive but not always, who enjoys receiving either physical or mental pain. This torment is often sexually arousing and/or a release for them. Master – A person, often a masculine role, who has displayed mastery of a lifestyle skill. For example, they make Indiana Jones look like a newbie with a whip. It can also be a title conferred by a community to someone who has shown great leadership and dedication to their community. Finally, if a dominant is in a relationship with someone who identifies as a slave, they may also have the title of master. The use of master is one of the biggest red flags in the online lifestyle as many take master as their title yet they have not shown a superior lifestyle skill, lead a community, and they are unpartnered. So, a word of warning, when you ‘meet’ a master online, be extra careful. Middle – Linked to a little, the middle is often a submissive who enjoys age regression play where their preferred age is eleven/twelve (ish) into their years. Mistress – The feminine version of master and just like its masculine counterpart, often a red flag. Mommy – A female-identifying equivalent of daddy. Pain Slut – The masochist’s best friend forever, often a submissive but always someone that craves pain consensually inflicted upon them. Pet – A person who enjoys role-playing as a household pet, often on the submissive side of life. Just like a kitten and also the same as above, a generic pet name for a submissive. Pony – Just as some enjoy playing the role of pets and other animals, there are those, once again often submissive who enjoys playing the part of a pony with the d-type taking the role of owner, trainer, or jockey depending on how the dynamic works for those involved. Primal - People today will often tell you that they can be coarse or perhaps unfiltered is a better wording and, in the lifestyle, there is a place for these folks and this is the primal role. A d-type who calls themselves primal would typically mean that at times they are without filter or animalistic. Immediately, I believe that most will associate roughness or hardness with primal but I have learned that it can also be softer and surprisingly loving. Those unfiltered feelings can indeed be rough but they can also attach to animalistic expressions of love and affection. Primal Predator – Traditionally a dominant who also identifies as primal. Primal Prey – The submissive flip side of a primal predator. Princess – This can be a pet name for a submissive and it can also be a style of submission. The princess submissive wants to be cherished and pampered in exchange for the gift of their submission. There is nothing wrong with pampering and cherishing, but d-types beware, some princesses are not princesses but those with pay-to-play schemes. ProDom – A dominant, often male, who charges for their services. ProDomme – A dominant, often female, who charges for their services. Pup – The world has gone to the dogs and just as there is kitten play, pup play is the doggy style of this play. Since I did just make a sexual reference, I should note, often role play in the lifestyle that is animal-centric is not sexual. Rigger/Rope Top – A person, usually but not always a D-type who enjoys tying up others with rope. Rope Bottom/Bunny – Often although not written in stone, a submissive who enjoys being tied up with rope. The phrase rope bunny is often used although it is not a gender-specific one but rope bottom has become more popular as a replacement for the bunny. Sadist/sadomasochist – A person, often dominant, who becomes sexually aroused through giving pain. Most people assume it is a physical pain but some enjoy mental torments more than physical ones. Sensualist – A person who enjoys lifestyle activities but often in a softer, more carnal way. Sissy – A submissive, who is male-identifying, during play and takes on a feminine role, manners, and dress. Slave – This is a submissive who has made the decision, willfully, to surrender their power to their dominant, thus making the d-type a master/mistress. While I understand the differences between slavery in the lifestyle and human trafficking, I wish as a lifestyle we could find another name for this role. If only I was king of kink for the day. Slut – Traditionally this word, I am sure everyone is aware, was a derogatory one but thankfully within the lifestyle and related communities it can be a liberating role. It is a freeing word, mostly in lifestyle, because here a ‘slut’ chooses their relationship(s) as well as erotic pursuits based upon what works for them rather than what society expects. Spankee – No, not your favorite Little Rascal but a person who enjoys being spanked. Typically this is a submissive role but as always, not always. Plus, some enjoy being spanked but that is the extent of their lifestyle desires. Spanker – The opposite of spankee and still not a member of Our Gang but mostly but not always a D-type role where the person enjoys inflicting spankings. A spanker can be fully involved in D/S or just like the spankee, there for a little whoop-ass and nothing more. Spanko – A person who likes to spank or be spanked. Stag – A male who enjoys/encourages their partner to have sex with other men but unlike a cuckold, there is no humiliation or submissive games involved. Submissive – A person who chooses to willingly give up a certain amount of control to their dominant partner. Swinger – An individual or partnership that ethically engages in as well as enjoys recreational sex. Switch – Someone who can take the dominant or submissive role in lifestyle play or a relationship. Top – This can be another word for a dominant, someone who enjoys the role of dominant during play, or a playmate that is a d-type but not the submissive’s dominant. Toy – This can be any marital aid you enjoy playtime with but in BDSM, toy also references a submissive who enjoys being their dominant’s toy. This can include sexual or non-erotic ‘games’ but in this role, the s-types consent to be played with however their d-type wishes. Undecided – Goes along with exploring and is a great label for someone newer to the lifestyle to self-identify with. Instead of wondering if you are dominant, switch, or submissive, simply focus on learning and growing. When you have invested in education and you are prepared, deciding the role that fits will be a natural progression. Vanilla – Simply put, anything not lifestyle or perhaps kinky. One of my favorite corruptions of this term is my use of vanilla bean to describe friends who are kink-friendly or accepting but they are never going to be on board for exploring the lifestyle. Vixen – The partner to a stag who enjoys having sex with others while their stag watches, joins, or encourages. Voyeur – The flipside of an exhibitionist, a person who enjoys watching people engage in lifestyle play, bow-chicka-wow-wow, or both. One of the glorious things about the internet is that everyone can be a voyeur and/or an exhibitionist. I know this was a long read but I hope that there might be a few nuggets in there for both the less experienced as well as some of the more experienced. I will conclude with my reminders that the thoughts/definitions are mine alone which means none are the perfect answer since I am imperfect, always ask someone what a term or role means to them because one of the great things about BDSM is that the lifestyle is very individualistic so people can often have varying views, never make assumptions about others based upon the labels they self-identify with because people are so much more than the sum of labels, and very often multiple labels only begin to describe amazing people here in the lifestyle, so making connections is so much more than reading a label like at the grocery store. ©TLK2022 **Archive "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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So much to learn, so little time. I was disappointed not to find odalisque or Code d’ Odalisque Odalisque Chapter 2 listed, but not surprised. It’s not so well known, and it is newer than practices such as Gorean. I suppose I have no one but myself to blame. I’m not as dedicated to the education of the unwashed as you are, M. 😏. Very good list  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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I love it.   "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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That's quite the list. As always, thanks for sharing. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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ali Thank you for re-posting! There a few in there I had never heard of before! xx"Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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You disarmed me before letting me comment so I will leave you with this thought. We are all nothing in the grand scheme of BDSM, and yet in nothingness lies everything.  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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A very well written list "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Very well written, hughly imformative, thank you for all the time you put into this post. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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So many intriguing combinations to be made: a kitten-brat perhaps? "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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So much easier to understand than some of the labels I see these days. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Good morning, my dearest friend!!!!! It's a great post as always. xoxox L  ."Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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great list you left out unicorns "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Thank you for posting "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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So much to learn, so little time. I was disappointed not to find odalisque or Code d’ Odalisque Odalisque Chapter 2 listed, but not surprised. It’s not so well known, and it is newer than practices such as Gorean. I suppose I have no one but myself to blame. I’m not as dedicated to the education of the unwashed as you are, M. 😏. Very good list
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I love it.
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That's quite the list. As always, thanks for sharing. Howling at the moon and mal ad osteo.
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ali Thank you for re-posting! There a few in there I had never heard of before! A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. George Bernard Shaw Jenny
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You disarmed me before letting me comment so I will leave you with this thought. We are all nothing in the grand scheme of BDSM, and yet in nothingness lies everything.
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A very well written list
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Very well written, hughly imformative, thank you for all the time you put into this post.
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So many intriguing combinations to be made: a kitten-brat perhaps?
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So much easier to understand than some of the labels I see these days.
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I always thought a mistress was something between a mister and a mattress. Seriously, so much I did not know......
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Good morning, my dearest friend!!!!! It's a great post as always. xoxox L
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great list you left out unicorns
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Wow so very pretty! Im not surprised however You are beautiful art Thank you
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