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Giving Versus Taking - A Dom’s Eye View I have been mulling over why D/s relationships work so well for some, serving as the most powerful and soaring bond a couple can enjoy, while for others it proves to be a complete disaster leaving the participants cold and sometimes deeply emotionally scarred and hurt. There are as many reasons why relationships work or fail as there are people in them, but one common thread emerges that I think is worthy of examination. It seems to be the nature of the human condition that as individuals we tend to be self-centered beings. From an emotional standpoint, we often believe that the world revolves around each of us respectively. Naturally, this cannot possibly be the case, nor should it be, but it seems to be our human default position, one that leads to a very common and natural perception of our interaction with other people from a “what’s in it for me?” point of view. Obviously, if we all operate from the assumption that we are first and foremost out to get something for ourselves, then our relationships with other people are not only going to be poor but frankly impossible. The illusion of the power exchange is that a submissive is all about giving to the Dom while the Dom is all about taking from the submissive. That is, after all, an outward hallmark of Dominance and submission. But there is a significant difference between the overt signs of power exchange and the underlying D/s relationship that supports it. Where I see people getting into trouble most is when they actually believe that the relationship itself is founded on the imbalance of power it outwardly portrays. I fear, for example, that many men are attracted to BDSM for the very reason that it outwardly portrays something they lack, the ability to control. BDSM outwardly looks to be the embodiment of the sophomoric fantasy nearly every boy has of having the girlfriend he always wanted, doing the things he always wanted, in exactly the ways he always wanted. Oh, and with all that he also gets to take out his frustrations on her at his whim, thrashing her and toying with her until she pleads that she will do whatever he wants, just please stop. Ugh! OK, so that is indeed a fun fantasy, I admit it. And in fact, to some degree is one that I live out from time to time with my Muse. But it is purely a fantasy; it is not the basis of a D/s relationship, not at all. If the sum total of my involvement in my D/s relationship were to continually take what I want, how I want, when I want, my submissive would in no way feel the desire to submit. She would feel used, abused, and taken advantage of. She would quickly retract her submission and walk away. Likely, she would never have given it in the first place. So, if D/s is not about giving by a submissive and taking by a Dom, what is it? It is about giving. Period. A submissive has a natural tendency to want to please their partner and make them feel good. But when this innate sense of giving is granted to a partner who tends toward self-centered behavior, taking everything the submissive gives and demanding more, it leads to a sense of frustration and eventually a feeling of being used and even abused. Early in the relationship, this lack of reciprocity is often overlooked in the euphoric high of romantic love. But in time, the submissive will eventually feel that they have become a doormat and highly resent it. But this is not because her submission and sense of giving are wrong, but because it is granted to the wrong type of person under the wrong terms. From the perspective of that submissive’s self-centered partner, they have simply taken what was offered and it has become an expectation. Regardless, the mix is toxic. In a D/s relationship, a Dom does a tremendous amount of giving to earn and warrant submission. The key is that submission is not “taken from” a submissive but rather is received. A submissive “gives” her submission, it is not “taken” from her. A submissive that has previously been in relationships where there was an imbalance of giving versus taking might well have developed a genuine resentment toward pleasing their partner. Yet, when exposed to a healthy D/s relationship with a Dom who gives equally and without reservation, will find that many of the things they felt were taken from them and over which they felt resentful will suddenly become highly desirable. They will feel a magnetic pull toward their Dom and a desire to please and be pleasing in ways they often previously resented or even avoided. This is a shock when it is first experienced and a submissive can often be surprised by the extent to which they crave to please in ways that had previously been anathema to them. So why is this? In my opinion, it is because, within a healthy D/s relationship, a submissive feel highly valued, appreciated, acknowledged, and loved. Ultimately what a good and successful Dom does most is to work tirelessly to be worthy of submission. That means not so much walking about with an air of superiority, authority, and swagger, but rather being diligent in their efforts to be the best and most complete person they can be. That means being in control of their own lives, being successful at what they do, making the effort to master something, being kind and charitable to others, being in touch with their own feelings and willing to communicate them, being humble, and showing empathy for others, and finally focusing all of these traits with a single-minded purpose for the betterment of the relationship. This takes a lot of work and a tremendous amount of giving on the part of a Dom. A good and competent Dom spends a great deal of time building up the self-esteem and self-worth of their submissive. A Dominant gives of themselves tirelessly toward the happiness, self-awareness, self-acceptance, and love of a submissive. A Dom in a D/s relationship makes a submissive feel safe, protected, cherished, valued, needed, and loved. A Dom shows great appreciation for the gifts a submissive gives. This does not just happen. It takes effort, and continual work to create and maintain an atmosphere and environment that fosters ever-greater depths of submission. Ultimately all of this giving and acceptance creates a trust bond unlike any other. It creates the sacred space in which submission can be granted and received unreservedly and is largely responsible for the indescribable bond so often referred to by partners in healthy and loving D/s relationships. All of this exists not because of what a Dominant feels they can take from the relationship, but rather because of a desire to give to the relationship and uplift the submissive they so cherish in every possible way. That is pure giving, and giving is what it takes to be a good Dom. A D/s relationship is based on equals coming together to engage in a consensual power exchange of agreed strength and limits. While the power exchange by its very nature implies a significant imbalance between the partners, it is negotiated and originated by equals. This means that for the relationship to be successful giving must be done in equal measure by both the submissive and the Dominant. Is there give and take in a D/s relationship? Of course. But at the heart of it, the power and depth of emotion felt in a healthy and loving D/s relationship stems from the fact that it is ultimately one of the most consciously giving relationships I know of. I personally give more time, energy, emotion, and effort to my D/s relationship with my Muse than any other. The results speak for themselves. #FTLOAS2022  "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.” |
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It is an excellent read, M. What frightens me is the existence of those who act as givers, exactly as described, and at the same time do things behind your back.
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It is the wanting and the needing of expectations that makes Dominants and submissives equal. The exchange of power must be fluid and flowing. It shouldn't feel like taking or giving . . It should feel like nurturing, like becoming whole.
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The man here has learned that Giving is Getting and Getting is Giving. I think it's a wonderful enigma!
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agreed...you get back what you invest!
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it is an excellent read. i wonder how many true d/s relationships as described in this piece really exist
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This piece is an excellent read. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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