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Who am I? Over the years I have been asked many questions, to this day though, one has been the hardest to answer. If I am honest with myself, and with whomever is reading this, I still don't have a definitive answer. So, when a dear friend of mine asked me to start a blog, she swears I have something to say and people will listen, I trust her opinion, because mine is simply who would care what I have to say? With that said, here is the answer I have found so far, it's not simple, it is not complete and it is an ongoing, eternal search I think. Who am I? I am a storyteller. Not much more, not much less. I look normal, hell I am pretty much invisible in a crowd, this is intentional. I can be very lazy, I am overweight and I have a low paying job. I am a storyteller. I grew up in the midwest, of a forced survivor and a rail man, neither ready to be parents and my mother wasn't but a herself when she had me. She would tell you if she was still alive, she wasn't much of a mother to me, she was still a herself in so many ways. She carried so much guilt through her short life, so much pain she never really could let go. But this isn't about her, it is about me, the storyteller. Abusive men seemed to be her crowd, those who didn't want or like . Lucky me. The state stepped in when things got out of hand, but only because my actions put someone's dreams in danger and almost killed their career. Yes, a can destroy an adult. A few years in a state organization and I had a new family, well, not what the average person would call a family, but when you are a ward of the state, any family is better than none right? After all that is what a seeks the most, someone who loves them unconditionally. Sadly, that isn't what I got. It was at this time I was found to have a very high IQ. Don't let people scare you with that... a High IQ is nothing more than a brass plaque with "Scary Words" on it. So, high IQ and a school that didn't change their lesson plans in each step up. Needless to say when I was once asked why I didn't do anything in English class but read novels or listen to music my response was.. "When you teach me something new.. I will pay attention." I had to explain so I asked for a week or two.. It took that long to have my English text book mailed from my last school and go down to the book repository and get the English books for the last 2 years. They were amazed that they had been teaching me the same 15 chapters for three years. Even used the same book all three years. Well they wondered why Chorus seemed to be the only thing that really interested me. It was because I learned something new each quarter. 8 new songs.. It was something. So where was I? Ah yes, high IQ and not a damn bit of guidance or even a nudge into anything that interested me or caught my attention. What this meant is long term? I had almost no goals, no aspirations, and the ones I did they quickly dashed. I found role play games, yes that dreaded D&D. I got hooked. This is where I found who I was the first time. I am a storyteller. Jobs? I have had a few, injuries? I have had a few, opportunities? I have had a few. I never said they were good, just that I had a few. So where does all of this lead a man who has no aspirations, no goals and no clue what to do with his life? Not much, I mean here I am still trying to figure out who I am. I had friends in school who went on to be millionaires, had many who dashed their hopes with drugs. Other than gaining weight, losing hair and having many life experiences, I have not really changed all that much. Well, there was that first time I dated a submissive, man did I screw that up. I had no clue what made her different than other women, and what a difference it was. I tossed her to the side when another piece of candy was offered. I was young, didn't know any better, You know, all the normal excuses. In reality, I didn't think I was good enough for someone who offered that much. I spent years trying to define that feeling, to recapture that beauty. She was never bound most likely had never felt ropes or a paddle in her life, I honestly don't think even she knew she was submissive, but, that was my first step into this world. It took me years to define what it was, I didn't even know there was a word for it, let alone a lifestyle. But in reality, I shouldn't say have no goals.. I have a few, I may even talk about them someday. But, my main goal, it is so simple, it is perhaps the hardest goal ever. To be happy.. Sounds so simple, to be happy. For me to be happy, means I have to be rich, I am not talking about money here, money can come and go, but to truly be happy. We have all heard or read that quote "money may not buy happiness, but with it you can certainly afford a better class of misery." And it is true, but, it doesn't make us happy. As my mentor once told me "A man can be alone in a room filled with people, or he can be content and happy on his own. One who can be content on his own, will also be happy in a room full of people. The man who is alone in a crowd, is alone by himself..." Here we are 20+ years later, I am still finding my way. Still learning new things. Many who have either been with me, or know me best state I am a great dominant, I have dealt with people in "The Way" I have dealt with others who were raised in different forms of the lifestyle and many of them would agree with my dear one who has asked me to write a blog here. So what am I? I am a Storyteller. I am a Dom who likes to dabble in sensations. I am not really a daddy, I am not a leatherman, I surely am not a sadist. I spent the last 10 years to realize, I am just me, I am a Storyteller. Some are humorous, some scary, some fantastical, some are real and some are not. In the end, it is entertainment, but, here is what you will learn, I am a Storyteller. Whether you agree with my words, with my thoughts or not, that is up to you, whether they affect you, impact you or just piss you off, that is up to you. Will you be entertained? How should I know? I just tell the tales, pick up the pieces and tell another. I am no better, no worse than any of you. I have been down the road, turned back and then turned around and went down the same road a few times to many to get here, and honestly? Where the hell am I or better yet, where the hell am I going? |
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It takes a great deal of courage to put yourself so out there for all to see. Your life has definitely not been an easy one but with it you have grown. Where many may have given up you persevered and you should be proud in that. Perhaps you are missing part of your calling as the "Storyteller" have you ever thought of writing. You have a gift with words and expression and I understand the words you spoke of feeling like you can be alone in a room full of people. Sometimes the journey to find ourselves can have many twists and turns, and I was told many times that people come into our lives for a reason guiding us on the path we are meant to travel At the time we may not know the reason but looking back often you see how those people changed our viewpoints and world around us. It is good you are taking that inner look at yourself and dare to dream, hope, aspire. The only thing that truly limits you is how badly you want those things you want in your life, is how badly you want them and how hard you are willing to work to get them. Do not let the little whisper in the back of your head say you can't have it or don't deserve it. Create and live the story you have dreamed of. Hugs.
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Thank you for the kind words.. At one time I had 8 books started. Over the years they all fell to the way side as I couldn't pick a genre I liked that fit what I was putting out. Sadly, the one that called to me the most was lost in a computer crash about 5 months ago. I just have not had the inspiration to start a new story or work on the old ones I started. As for the gift of words that you speak of. part of being abused physically (hence the incident that caused me to get removed from my family) was that I had rage issues. In 7th Grade my English teacher Mrs. Reffel started to teach a section on poetry and creative writing. I found an outlet for all my anger, my fear, my sadness, even my happiness. I used to have a book that contained almost 150 pages of poems I had written. I have had 12 published at my high school and one published in one of those big books that will publish anyone. Some days I miss writing, but, with all the recent changes and such happening, the one writer I knew went through hell and paid over 10k just to start to find an editor and publisher and had to rewrite her book 7 times.. I don't know what ever happened with it, she was the adopted daughter of my ex. There are many things I have learned over the years. The one that will always stick with me is the advice of a grandfather. "Life is what you make it. You can be happy with nothing, or miserable with everything. You choose.." While I have never had "everything" I have had a great deal over the years, great friends, some not so great ones. But, I am ever learning. I am not sure which great philosopher said it but it stuck with me. "You can choose to get on living, or get on dying, make the choice quick, there are people waiting in line."
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Wise words to live by. You have a forum to write "Storyteller" Let the words flow..
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