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Blogs > lil_ms_kit > Kreavitly Kit

lil_ms_kit 54F  
69 posts
11/12/2018 7:30 am
As I Weep

I can't believe it has been almost ten years since she has past away, leaving a deep hole in my heart, Thanksgiving will be that ten year anniversary, The dreams of the night are back full force. We were going to have a regular Thanksgiving this year.... not sure if i can do it but yet it is not fair to my family not to ( my and other ).Some days the pain is just soooooooooooo strong and I want to be weak, but i can't. No one sees the tears behind the smile, hide it deep and hide it well, so no one can see the pain of a mother who lost a , she died on the holiday she loved most, Thanksgiving. Today is one of those day I just want to breakdown and weep. I want to be held and told it is ok to cry, to hurt, but on one is here, I site here as the four walls seem to close in on me. I want her back with me so i can tell her how i love her, to have her sit with me and paint while she sings. She was my storm, my whirlwind, my ...... I could be stabled a thousand times and it not hurt as much as losing her has and still does, it is a never healing, the pain lessens on good days and other day such as today............the pain is overwhelming. SO i will wipe away the tears and tell myself everything will be ok, I will smile when I want to scream. I am strong, I tell myself, I have to be.... there is only me. Don't let anyone know your broken they wont want you, they cant see the part that hurts. When deep down you just want the pain to stop, there is no cure, there is no medicine, no kissing the ouchie. You face it, you deal with it, you cry, you vent , YOU HURT until your numb again. SOme days you don't fell the pain but that is not this day, so you take it little at a time, trying to hold it together for just a few seconds, maybe a few mins.......... and so on. Right now in this moment even the happiest of memories hurt so bad, but i can not cry, she would not want that. I need to remember she is at peace even as bad as i want her here with me. Her spirit never far from me, i still want to hear her voice, see her smile once more..... I am a mother i weep inside.


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