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| Blogs > PerfectPussy86 > Ramblings of my BDSM journey |
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Am I good enough? And other questions I have asked myself as a sub. Being a sub is the most liberated I have ever felt, but it is also bloody scary. You a put your entire trust in your Master, he/she is the responsible for your thoughts, your safety, your pleasure and happiness when in that scene. I recently had a stop a scene because I was so overwhelmed. I got inside my head rather than let myself be fully engulfed in the moment. It was horrible. I felt so worthless, and like I had let my Master down. Whilst I was trying to get in the moment, all I had going through my head were so many questions. Things like “why can I not take his cock so deep this time? Will he want to get rid of me because I am not good at this? Am I good enough for him? What if I can’t serve him to the best of my ability? What is he expecting me to do? Can I handle what he wants to do to me?” The list is endless as the thoughts were overwhelming, it was like someone was yelling at me. I felt ridiculously vulnerable and insecure. It resulted in a lot of tears and just wanting to be curled up in a ball, in the safety of my Masters arms. I think I know why it happened. My Master and I had spent a whilst together but in a more vanilla sense. He hadn’t been well so play hadn’t been on the agenda at all, not really any form of touching intimately etc. So to then suddenly go into a scene which was rougher than I had experienced just surprised me. I think I had some thoughts in the back of my head that perhaps Master wasn’t finding me so attractive because we hadn’t played in a few days, when he just felt like shit and sex was last thing on his mind. He never gives me reason to doubt his feelings for me, in fact I have never felt more attractive. My biggest worry in my relationship with my Master is that he is a sadist, and he will get bored of me because I am not a masochist. I do not mind some pain, it is quite pleasurable…but can I cope with the pain a sadist wants to inflict? Definitely not. I am now in this strange place where I am overthinking pain, it is almost that I dread it before it even happens, so of course it is going to hurt more. As I have always said, my Master doesn’t do or say anything to make me think these things, these are my irrational thoughts created my overthinking brain. That’s enough for today. Always wanting to hear from other people on their thoughts and experiences |
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Regardless of what is not said in a scene or otherwise. All you can do, is the best you can do. You can't project what the other party in a scene or relationships thinks or feels. You can and should express your thoughts and feelings. And, you should never fear of retribution for expressing yourself. If you do express yourself and you are punished for expressing yourself, then you clearly have the wrong Master/dominant. IN those scenes, as I said, do the best that you can do. And do so within the limits that are clearly established. If parameters of play in general or for specific scenes are not establish, you are heating yourself in having a mutually enjoyable experaince. If, you can not take the kind of physical play that your sadist partner desires, then you need to move on so he can find a partner that satisfy his need. and is clearly safer for you to move on. You submissives have this tendency to feel inadequate if you can't take the punishment. Remember all of us are different and have different levels of tolerance to physical play. You will find, that in expressing your thoughts and feelings before, during and after physical interactions, it will improve the play situations. Thus, you will significantly reduce the chance of the relationships ending by one sided dissatisfaction. Best to you. "One Big Sky Covers Us All Equally"
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hello , i think you need to let him read this . doms are no more mind-readers than other people  be good M .
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it goes both ways. you might wonder am I good enough.a Dom while usually confidant still doubts, we are humans.
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I have a mildly sadist streak at times, but pain really is relative when I'm applying it. Some take a lot more punishment than others, but the effect is the same on both them and me. It's the effect I have on you that's stimulating more than what I'm doing to cause it and that can vary in a scene let alone from one person to another. Providing you're both willing to talk like adults after then I doubt you have any cause for concern unless he says so.
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1/6/2020 2:52 pm |
lots of good answers here already..you take time to reflect. if you're not sure about something the answer is always no..always worked for me.
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Any good Dom will appreciate your honesty, Afterall any genuine Dom in todays world knows that there isn't a sub on every street corner these days. You might not fulfill his needs in every aspect he wants, but you may just find you exhaust his expectations in other categories. Also BDSM can be about head games more than physicality, he might love the thought of your inner thoughts, playing games with you.
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Any good and caring Dom would be interested in guiding you through the things that you are experiencing in terms of your conflicted thoughts - you are in this relationship because enough trust has been established to reach this point, and trust is largely based on communication. Share your thoughts with him, you might be surprised how constructive that is and it provides further avenues for his guidance and training. It could also be that he is trying to meet an expectation on your end that is misunderstood. My 2 cents.
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Are you not good enough, is he not good enough, are you both a match? Communication is key, so talk about. I tend to believe he believes and desires you as a sub, no his sub, so much more than you being a masochist. And I think that is the theme expressed from those above.
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I am a sadist and yes we like to see pain. That does not mean that I always pain in the same way. Sometimes just see you gag is good enough for me, then spanking your ass, it really all depends upon my mood. Now all sadists are different I am just offering up my perception. Mav
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I think these are normal feelings of self doubt. When I was first with my Sir, I asked myself many of the same questions. Well, not about the sadism it's not his thing Our situation was unique because he had a gaggle of subs which I knew about, and was fine with...until I fell in love...and until he did as well. This added another layer of self doubt for me. I am very unlike his other subs. So unlike we have absolutely nothing in common. This added a layer of doubt in that I knew I was so incredibly different, that could I possibly really be what he wanted? The other subs were similar in so many ways, and I did not fit in at all. Even after he chose to make me his exclusive sub, I still had lingering fears. Sir made me promise to tell him what I was thinking, no matter what the topic, or my concerns about repercussions. At first that was so uncomfortable and difficult to do, but over time it became second nature. My telling him the little doubts, the worries etc. helped us to learn to communicate. It provided him with the information he needed to comfort and assure me. Our relationship is built on that communication, and I have to say in all honesty some times I do have little worries, but because I am/was honest with him, he has eased all my fears. Not being good enough, or strong enough, are questions I think many of us ask. Always be open to not only expressing your feelings, but be open to actually hearing his responses. Those responses will ease many of your concerns. You found parts of me I didn’t know existed and in you I found a love I no longer believed was real.
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1/6/2020 7:50 pm |
You should always express your thoughts. The worthwhile partner will listen to you. And in turn you need to listen to your partner. A long time ago, I had someone special too. Until she got into her own head. She had a doubting of confidence, was too busy letting the little voice inside her head tell her she wouldn't be good enough to be my wife, that I deserved someone better. But rather than talk about it, she withdrew into her self. Burned all bridges, and told me that I was just so desperate to care for someone, that I was trying to force all my unrealistic hopes and dreams onto her as my one chance for a normal life like everyone else. The simple matter was, she made me happy. Discovering everything was just making a diamond in the rough shine brighter than the sun. But with a big enough hammer, you can still shatter them. If your partner is trying to reassure you that you're worth the effort, the changes that you bring into their lives. Listen. Communicate. Grow. Repeat as often as necessary.
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Clear your mind.
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1/6/2020 11:36 pm |
great post, an excellent reality check for a newbie like me
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1/7/2020 3:22 am |
We all have doubts sometimes ,no matter who or what you are,its the strenght of getting over them that says who you are
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1/7/2020 6:04 am |
I like what people are saying here, right from perfectpussy's first post. The only thing I'd add is that sometimes people find things arising in their sexual interactions that are part of a bigger picture. Without knowing you and your dom I can't know, of course, but it may be worth looking, not only at your relationship, but even wider, for the origins of your anxieties.
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I am very glad, you are communicating and working it out. So many don't. They just bottle it up and keep blaming themselves. One should never feel inadequate if they are doing their best. "One Big Sky Covers Us All Equally"
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That deep need in our submissive nature to please and pleasure our Dom/Master means that we'll inevitably have moments of self doubt and ask ourselves if we are enough. They usually spring up when something hasn't gone as planned or when you can't do something you know they enjoy. It is part 'n' parcel of being a submissive i think ! But such moments happen rarely when you have a good relationship and communicate well. Which sounds like you do Life So Short, The Craft So Long To Learn
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jEasing your fears and doubts is not your job. It's his job, but it's not an easy job. He's not always gonna be up for it. You can help him by leveling with him. It's tricky. You don't want to overwhelm him with your insecurities, so you need to be judicious about how you express your feelings. In the final analysis, if you're trying to do your best for him, he'll know and he'll let you know that he knows if he's trying to do what's best for you too.
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1/12/2020 5:51 am |
There are only three set rules to follow in kink. They would be communicate, communicate, and communicate. If you are doing that the rest follows. Your thoughts should be an open book to your Master. If he is a good, intelligent, caring and suitable Master it will work out and your fears will be allayed. If not, move on.
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2/3/2020 9:14 pm |
If you feel like you let him down then talk to him about your feelings. He should also take into account how things have been in the past and also know you wouldn’t stop anything if it didn’t become too much.
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he is well aware
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