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Re-Defining Oneself “Smartass Disciple: Master, I feel really really confused about the truth. Master of Stupidity: Only confused? Walk in my shoes then you tell me.” ― Toba Beta [Betelgeuse Incident], Betelgeuse Incident: Insiden Bait Al-Jauza A ball of confusion that feels like it will never unravel is sitting in my stomach. It makes me question who I am, what I am, and where I am going. It compels me to question this lifestyle and my love for it. . Am I a submissive? Am I a slave? Do I still seek what I sought a decade ago? I start questioning and the questions flow like water. It's a feedback loop of considerable length that never seems to stop twirling in this silly head.The only answer I know is that I would choose solitude over a boring vanilla dynamic.  Photo taken at end of August on top of the mountain ridge on my hike I know the answers and that I must travel forth on my journey. Stalling and spinning isn't an option because it doesn't serve the universe in any fashion. The reason I am still walking in this minuscule part of the universe remains a mystery, but here I am. Ready to be reborn like the butterfly emerging from the cocoon, I feel almost nubile in a wiser sage brain. Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary since I last saw my former master/husband alive and has fueled the ball of confusion that festers in my gut.He spent a year in UK without me and we were planning my move when he passed. I do not need pity and am not comfortable in that space. However it marks a significant moment in this journey. Most painful moments bring growth if you don't run from them. Embracing the gifts he gave me to handle the rest of my journey are appreciated in the utmost. Selfishly I want the impossible - To bring him back so I don't have to face these challenges. Since this is altogether a ludicrous thought, I forge on... But to where? It's time for me to get my head on right and find myself again. Use those gifts that he taught me, embrace my destiny and move along, because there is plenty to see elsewhere folks...just me getting my confused self back together again.. Playlist song for this post: Beautiful - Christina Aguilera |
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They bring us comfort even in death for they have shown us the way......this thought always brings peace to my soul.
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They bring us comfort even in death for they have shown us the way......this thought always brings peace to my soul. 
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1/30/2020 5:44 pm |
We never truly know what we seek until we find it
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May you find clarity in the beauty of nature ReDefining Oneself
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Beautiful expression of yourself. This resonates with me in a way I could not put into words. Thank you.
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poetess A warm hug! I hope you can find your way! It seems vanilla is NOT it! A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. George Bernard Shaw Jenny
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1/30/2020 8:11 pm |
It's weird, I thought as life progressed so would my want/need to fall into categories or under definitive answers. You may be hard but you're not stone. You may be soft but not bread...yet. all things are possible. Not all are necessary.
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Anniversaries are very important for many reasons. Of course there is remembrance and reflection. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. You expressed yourself so well. That is a beautiful photograph. Howling at the moon and mal ad osteo.
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Thank you for acknowledging his place in my heart 
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We never truly know what we seek until we find it 
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May you find clarity in the beauty of nature ReDefining Oneself Sometimes we have to question to firm up our resolve
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Beautiful expression of yourself. This resonates with me in a way I could not put into words. Thank you. and thank you most of all for visiting
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Thank you
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poetess A warm hug! I hope you can find your way! It seems vanilla is NOT it!
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It's weird, I thought as life progressed so would my want/need to fall into categories or under definitive answers. You may be hard but you're not stone. You may be soft but not bread...yet. all things are possible. Not all are necessary. You are so correct on all levels
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Anniversaries are very important for many reasons. Of course there is remembrance and reflection. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. You expressed yourself so well. That is a beautiful photograph. I apprexiate your sincerity more than you know
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Thank you very much
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The path is not always clear ,at times we walk off it and other times we do not realize its right here in us if we just take a moment to settle and allow it again. I appreciate what you conveyed , you addressed the journey and the essence of conscious existence while connecting to the universe . I am ,We are , why Growth ,Expansion reflection . All we have in truth is this moment of now , The now when I wrote this is now past yet t is your present . The butterfly understand the now ,flapping around enjoying and appreciating all the universe offerse and is provided for as iy enjoys the moments in the jounry . Master Mentor PS its ok to flap your wings and smile
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