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Goodbye Daddy  On August 31, 2023, my handsome father took his last breath. It's taken me this long to be able to post. The doctor had said months....we had 3 weeks with him before he began choking and couldn't stop. Fluid is how most of us die. Grief has a way of numbing your brain and cloaking it in a shock lullaby. It helps take the sting away. Of course, every death is different. But, this one has hurt on the level that my husband did. It has made me raw and unfiltered. I got the call the night the ambulance took him. I don't remember the drive there now. When I arrived, his ashen skin, and the machines hooked to him, looked less than pleasant. My stepmother and were flurrying about the room. It took about 30 seconds for my psychic senses to kick in. He was dying soon. He kept sleeping and my step mom made excuses..."Oh he was up all night struggling to breathe, so he is just tired" I realized in that moment that her denial was epic. She and my had fought me tooth and nail on accepting him going. It was frustrating as all hell, because my spirit6 guides had already prepared me., They went to get some lunch and left me there with him in the silence of the room. All the sudden, he grasped the mask and started pulling from his face. I frantically tried to unhook it as the alarm went off, echoing in that small room. Me: Hold on Daddy let me get help I ran into the hallway, loudly asking someone to come help. He was in distress. I ran back into the room. The sound of him choking on his fluid made me want to scream out in anguish for his struggle. It will echo in my brain for a long time. I coached him through tubes being savagely thrust into his throat and nose to get the fluid out. Holding his hands as he gurgled and stared Into my eyes. However, I could see the nothing crawling through his pupils. I nodded and stared into his eyes, empathizing with him, acknowledging this was the end. My step mom and rushed back in. She took over instinctively I'm sure, but all the same, it felt like a wedge between he and I. When everything had settled down, I could still hear him gurgling. Me: Weasie, it's time to give him morphine and make him comfortable Weasie: No Nikki! Were not doing that yet. There is a treatment. He has done this before. Me: Look at him, that is not quality of life Weasie. I implore you to be selfless and let him go. Why would he want to go through this again? The outcome will not change. There is no end game, this is it. Weasie: Because I will know when to stop. He is not in pain. The frustration mounted in my body like a volcano. I quietly stepped out of the room and broke down into a puddle in the bathroom. Once I composed myself again, I walked into the room with purpose. Weasie was on the phone and as I reached his side, put his hand in mine, and squeezed, he opened his eyes for a second. Me: Dad, I know you hear me. I have some things put into a letter to say to you. Weasie whispered " Hold on". To whomever was on the phone. Ear hustling in on me as if she needed to protect him. I ignored her actions and kept speaking Me: Remember putting me on your shoulders and saying the fireworks were for me? He nodded Me: I remember you taking me shopping at Cache, teaching me how to apply my makeup, teaching me to dance, how to write, and read. Do you remember? He nodded. Me: Dad, I know it is time and they are ready to take you. Are you ready to go? He nodded Me: Then go, you can leave now. I give you my word that I will take care of them. You were a better father than I deserved. You can be at peace. I kissed his cheek, my own lips wet with tears. I picked my keys up and walked out the door. The next 5 hours driving back were spent with me crying until I had no more tears. I left because I could not stand back and watch them make him suffer. I knew I would be thrashed for doing so, but it was best I left before unleashing hell on my step mother. I awoke at 5 am and called. My step mother was frantic and she said they had called he was dying. When they arrived, my called and I said " Place it to his ear" She did and I said, " Daddy, go fly to the moon and back. I will always be here waiting/ See you soon. I love you" He took his last breath and passed. He had waited on me. Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead, Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong. The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good. Song for this post I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston |
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"I Will Always Love You" (originally by Dolly Parton) (from "The Bodyguard" soundtrack) If I should stay I would only be in your way So I'll go but I know I'll think of you every step of the way And I will always love you I will always love you You My darling, you Mmm-mm Bittersweet memories – That is all I'm taking with me So good-bye Please don't cry: We both know I'm not what you, you need And I... will always love you I... will always love you You, ooh I hope life treats you kind And I hope you have all you've dreamed of And I'm wishing you joy and happiness But above all this, I wish you love And I... will always love you I will always love you I will always love you I will always love you I will always love you I, I will always love you You Darling, I love you I'll always I'll always love you Ooh Ooh
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Nikki, Please accept my condolences for your loss. It's difficult to lose a father, but remember that he will always hold a special place in your heart. Take comfort in knowing that he is no longer suffering. You will be in my thoughts during this difficult time. XX, M "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Fear no more the heat o' the sun William Shakespeare Fear no more the heat o’ the sun, Nor the furious winter’s rages; Thou thy worldly task hast done, Home art gone, and ta’en thy wages: Golden lads and girls all must, As chimney-sweepers, come to dust. Fear no more the frown o’ the great; Thou art past the tyrant’s stroke; Care no more to clothe and eat; To thee the reed is as the oak: The scepter, learning, physic, must All follow this, and come to dust. Fear no more the lightning flash, Nor the all-dreaded thunder stone; Fear not slander, censure rash; Thou hast finished joy and moan: All lovers young, all lovers must Consign to thee, and come to dust. No exorciser harm thee! Nor no witchcraft charm thee! Ghost unlaid forbear thee! Nothing ill come near thee! Quiet consummation have; And renownèd be thy grave! From Cymbeline, Act IV, Sc 2
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I am sorry for your loss Nikki. Your Father's love will live in your heart forever. I wish you much comfort in this sad time. R
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I have tears in my eyes after reading this. Please accept my deepest sympathies on the loss of your father. I too have a huge lump in my throat and eyed welled up with tears. My sincere condolences on your loss. Make Women Female Again
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Nikki: My condolences to you for the passing of your Dad. Your Dad's love for you shows trough in what you have written and in being around you. Take comfort in that your Dad gave you memories that you will always have with you. Peace, V
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I was the last person my father acnolaged. Your story brings heavy tears in my eyes. Sorry for your loss.
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My condolences.
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9/19/2023 8:40 am |
Condolences to you and your family for the passing of you Dad. There are NO words that can assuage the anguish of your bereavement, the loss of loved ones are just that way. Lst my Dad a few years back, it was in November, and he was suffering the same way, his heart was failing, and couldn't pump the blood through his lungs fast enough for it to be oxygenated, causing fluid to build up in his lungs. The Hospital got him stabilized and we took him home, but they had told us the end was near, and he fought like HELL for several days, before finally expiring, surrounded by us all. He hadn't suffered, we were administering morphine to ease the pain, and over those several days he was alert and talkative, and the highs and lows of my life with him all came flooding back. But through it all, he was ready to meet his Maker, and be re-united with Mom! He was MY hero... The fond memories are ALWAYS here for me to draw upon now, and although I miss him every day, the pain is still fresh now and then, especially when I read stories like yours, and I understand the grief you're going through, he'll live in you heart and memories for the rest of your life, "Poetess"...
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Very sorry for your loss
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9/19/2023 8:51 am |
Soo sorry
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Condolences to you and your family. I lost my father in 1985 and not a day goes by that I don't miss him. Hopefully, your father, husband and the other dear departed will appear in your dreams and that you find that comforting.
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Your words, your love, the way you communicated and felt each other... made me cry... I am so sorry for your loss...
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Many of us have been through similar life transitions. It is so awesome, and rare, for you to had had the opportunity for a final spiritual bonding. You spirit and his will be together forever.
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What a moving tribute, so sorry for your loss
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poetess I too am sending my Condolences! A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. George Bernard Shaw Jenny
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I couldn't help crying when I read this. The words so heartfelt and my past experience passing before my eyes. Your Dad loved you......of that, there is no doubt.
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My condolences for your loss. There is no more pivotal figure in a girls life than her father. In spite of his humanity, he sets the mark against which all others will be measured. You are his legacy.
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It's something we all have to face. Sorry it was so rough for you and your dad.
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Sorry for your loss . Sounds like you had a wonderful and special relationship. That's not the usual case these days. You are blessed for having such a close personal tie. After the initial morning you will have such meaningful memories that will drown out any of the bad and sad times at the end. Know you were loved and treasured as he was by you.
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I am very sorry for your loss. I hope the memories will give you strength to carry on, even when it hurts soo bad.
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I'm truly sorry for your loss, IP. Your beautiful and loving words of tribute and praise and fond remembrance for your father on this sad occasion of his passing, quite moved me to tears. I have never been so touched to the heart as I was by your eulogy., which so clearly came from YOUR heart. You were so lucky to have been able to give leave, so lovingly and sympathetically, to your father to set sail finally and depart in peace. He clearly seemed to need and to be waiting for your final words of blessing, love, farewell, and of your resigned and understanding approva,l for his imminent leavetaking, Chin up, girl, for having handled things so well, under the circumstances.
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i am so sorry for your loss. i lost my parents and I was with my mother when she passed. although I was there your story and your dad waiting for you was like my mom waiting for me. Hang in there you wer e very stri=ong and gave him the help he needed God bless you
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He passed with your voice in his ear, and I’m sure that meant everything, and closed the circle for him. 🕊️
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Condolences, it is never easy. Knowing that his time was short still does not little to prepare you. You did remind him of the good times, try to remember those, focus on these, it will bring some Solis to you and hopefully ease some of the pain.
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