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On Boundaries For someone who has a real facility with language, I seem be extraordinarily bad at communicating what I do and don't want. Setting and maintaining boundaries is something I have struggled with my entire life. As a teacher this was sometimes a problem. I remember a student telling me that she never knew where the line was with me. Reflecting on that made me realise my great discomfort that being a teacher meant being the authority in the room, whether I felt comfortable with that or not. I stepped into it ok in the end, but it was exhausting. In kink-land though, I still find it almost impossible to negotiate in a way that means the other person knows where my boundaries are and doesn't overstep them, and that I get the relatively few things I absolutely need from a partner in order feel safe and comfortable before, during and crucially after . I don't think I’ve ever managed sufficiently convey how much I need be checked in after . Or maybe I have and it's just not reasonable expect people do it as much as I think I need. But therein lies the difficulty I have with having boundaries: what if they're not ok? What if the other person doesn't want stick them? I know the answer that should be 'well they can walk then', but I have almost never chosen my boundaries over the risk of losing the attention of someone I like. Or rather, quite unfairly, I repeatedly put my boundaries aside without comment, until one day I don’t, at which point I walk away entirely. In lots of ways this sums my previous relationships as well. If you’re thinking that sounds wildly unreasonable, you’re not wrong. I suppose writing this post is a step (one of many) towards trying to learn not to do that. I had an experience on Sunday that played out this narrative in miniature, and left feeling a bit shaken. I feel a bit awkward writing about it actually. It seems plausible it was actually fine and I am overstating it, or that I was so complicit that I brought it myself (yeah, I know that sounds like ‘maybe I was asking for it’), or that I was manipulated extremely skilfully by someone who likely does this a lot. Whatever the case, I was left feeling afraid and disposable. Before I get into what happened, it feels like it might be good to clarify: no sexual assault took place here. Or maybe what I want to say is no non-consensual penetration took place here. Because some of the things that happened were sexual (although I'm not going to write about them), and of it established and drew a kink dynamic, which is very sexual for anyway. Ack, I’m (obviously) flailing a bit about the terminology. He barely even touched , but I’m not sure how much that matters be honest. At the same time, I sort of want cut out this disclaimer entirely, because it feels like I'm making a big deal out of something that really, in the grand scheme of things, is very minor. Arguably not even a thing at all. I’d been talking someone for a while and agreed meet him about an hour’s drive away. As is absolutely always the case, I knew I didn’t want with him the second we met. But, well, you know the sunk cost fallacy? Where we tell ourselves that we’ve already invested x amount of time or money into something, so we might as well keep going to see if we can get something from it? Fallacy because, of course, it is never worth it. Well, that’s pretty much what saw me walking to a nearby park with him, even though I’d already decided I was out. When we got to the park, we made some small talk. I asked him a bunch of questions about his life, pretty much all of which he deftly avoided answering almost entirely. Then after a minute or two of silence, he proposed we a game ‘ break the ice’. The game was a sort of pretend psychic magic trick that involved him asking me increasingly intimate questions and me answering them. As we began, he introduced an additional rule that I would maintain eye contact throughout, and that he would note the number of times I broke it. One of the questions, which he repeated several times was ‘will you ?’ which struck as absurd, as clearly we were already playing. I could feel the little threads of a dynamic being tested out, but it felt harmless enough, and he had begun interest a bit, so I went along. After a few rounds of the game, he noted that I had broken eye contact 9 times. I don’t remember how he introduced the idea that this was something for which I needed atone, but when he handed an elastic band and bade wrap it around my wrist, I did. I knew what was coming. I could, should have said no. But I didn’t. Instead, when he told , I snapped the elastic against the inside of my wrist, as hard as I could, 9 times. At some point I gained another my other wrist, which he snapped a few times as well. I can’t tell you why I went along with this really. I didn’t trust him. I felt like I was being manipulated. I didn’t want disappoint him. I guess I felt like he had a sunk cost as well? Obviously, he didn’t want stop there. He told that we should get a room. I said no. He asked why not. I found it harder than it should have been explain why not. ‘I never a first date’ seemed like a ridiculous objection given how we’d spent the last hour, I guess. I offered that I could see him again in a week or so. I don’t know if I meant it. It seemed like a good way get myself some space think. He asked again why not get a room today, and so I explained that I know that I’m easily led and that I can’t trust myself to make decisions about whether I will with someone when I am in their presence, that I need time on my own think before I know what I want do. He said that was smart. I felt pleased with myself, because he had praised . He said that he would go now and walk the perimeter of the park twice. He estimated that this would take half an hour or so, and that I could use this time think without his influence. I actually laughed at how clever that was. I said no. I said that if he wanted see in a week or so, we could do that, but that I was going go home now. And I got and walked away. I felt proud of myself for that, but I also felt afraid. Actually frightened of him. I can’t even put my finger why really. I just felt very very certain that being my own in a room with this person would be extremely dangerous. Maybe it wouldn’t have been. Maybe it would have been fine. But I was afraid, and I’m glad I walked away. He messaged me later say that next week is too long a time away and that he would come and visit me sooner. I felt the same flicker of fear and reminded myself that he doesn’t have my address. I don’t know why I was (am) so afraid. He didn’t really do anything. I replied that he had frightened me, and that while I was sure he was actually a lovely person his pushiness made me afraid and that I didn’t think I would be safe playing with him. What I meant by that was two different things really. He did make me afraid, but I don’t know if that is because he himself is dangerous, or if it’s because I don’t know how to set and maintain boundaries. Both, potentially. Either way, the result of us being in a private space together seemed like it would inevitably lead to me doing, or allowing to be done to me, things that I really don’t want. I didn’t explain any of that, so his reply that he understood was a bit oblique. Less so was the that came a couple of hours later that if I had anything else I wanted land him I should feel free. I am not be trusted set and maintain boundaries, but in that he definitely was attempting manipulate . I didn’t reply. The third time I caught myself imagining what I would say if I did reply, I deleted our from my phone. The whole experience feels like a good learning opportunity, I guess? I feel absurdly debutant when it comes boundaries. Like I can talk a fairly good game the surface, but the smallest push and I’ll crumple. The thing is, I’m fighting against myself. Because there is a part of that wants crumple, be crumpled, be destroyed. I’m glad I was afraid and that my reaction that was leave. There are definitely times in my life when I wouldn’t have done. In some ways I’d rather not get into these situations at , but there is definitely a part of that actively seeks them out. I think that’s part of the appeal of the DD/lg dynamic, for . That I can give responsibility for of that away, knowing full well that someone else will make better decisions for me than I make for myself. And yet… and yet. It’s really very rare for me meet someone who I genuinely believe will make better decisions for me than I make for myself. And that’s before we even get into the question of whether it’s fair to put that kind of responsibility onto another person. So, tl;dr - I am bad at boundaries. I don’t know if that’s on purpose. Sometimes I think I would like someone to help me with them, but I would definitely resent the fuck out of them for doing so. I’m serious about the aftercare thing though. I really do need to find a better way to communicate that, and the strength to do so even if that means risking losing partners. |
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