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But they don't fall down I had a bit of an emotional wobble last night. It began last Sunday when I had a tyre blowout on my bike while I was riding it. If you've ever been on a motorbike, you can probably imagine the panic that provoked. I didn't come off. I'm pretty proud of that, although it was more luck than judgment (a catchphrase for my life). So I called the AA and they came a did a temporary fix, then on Friday I limped it down to my garage for a new tyre and MOT. The wind was fierce on Friday. Going the miles across open countryside there with an untrustworthy tyre, then the same back with a new (and therefore slippery) tyre was scary. While in town I also had a meeting with some work colleagues and a reasonable walk through the city centre to get from the garage to my meeting and back, which meant being around lots and lots of people, many more than at any point in the last 6 months. So come Friday night I was exhausted. I ended doing a few things for someone - I shouldn't have done, but he's beautiful (the other catchphrase for my life) - which took the last remnants of my energy. Yesterday I went for a walk in the woods, which helped tremendously, but also left me feeling my aloneness very keenly. Most of the time I really am much happier alone, but I do miss having someone to show things to, to share things with sometimes, both the trees and the tyres. Actually, all of that being said (and true), I don't think this wobble did start last Sunday. Two weeks ago I went to visit my mum on the coast and came back via London. While in London I saw two lovely, beautiful, filthy men: one of whom did delicious terrible things to my body; and the other who plied me with luscious picnic foods (at an appropriate social distance) and later messed with my head in the ways that only an utterly perfect emotional sadist can. I also shared super interesting conversation and warmth with both of them that I value just as much, maybe more, than the rest of it, but of course this tends to loom less large in emotionally turbulent memory. Friendship is complicated sometimes. I'm delighted to have both of them in my life, and conflicted and upset about each of them more often than I should be. Anyway, I've been having conversations with a few people lately about the drive to being destroyed, what it feels like, why I want it, why on earth someone would be prepared to do it to me, the ways in which I do it to myself sometimes, what the effects are and the needs that result from those. So I think the heightened emotional state that those conversations has prompted (encouraged might be more accurate), combined with being so close to people who I know could do it if they chose to, but who, for a variety of reasons and perfectly reasonably, aren't doing so, already saw me feeling rather on edge, even before my tyre blew. I am so fucking capable. I absolutely don't need someone to look after me practically. I managed the tyre stuff just fine on my own. But sometimes it's nice to be patronised, you know? The drive to being destroyed isn't just about being destroyed; it's also about being put back together again afterwards. I am pretty good at destroying myself, although I'd always rather someone else did it. I'm not so good at putting myself back together. I do a very good impression of someone who is fine, and over time, I am fine, I will be fine. But I kind of don't want to be sometimes. Not without someone caring if I am. There are times when I don't matter as much to myself as I would like to matter to someone else. Reflecting on that last sentence, I think it's fair to say that this wobble did not start two weeks ago either. This wobble is my life? Or a perennial part of it anyway. I'm sure I mentioned in passing somewhere that I might have some Daddy issues. I don't have a neat conclusion for this post. I have coffee, and I'm going to do a workout and go for a picnic in the park with some friends, and carry on putting myself back together, until the next wobble. |
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Im pleased your tyre blowout didnt end up too badly for you and its always good to have friends to chat to Doll . anytime you want a chat let Me know if Im about if not I will catch up with you soon . PSUK " Its better to burn out than fade away "
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