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I was not aware of how damaged I am after things ended... I am ruined inside.
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I am ruined inside. Not even! Sure it hurts now and will continue to hurt for a time .... BUT this too shall pass. We don't know when and we don't know where .... But we do know life goes on and there is always light at the end of the tunnel. One day some lucky man will spark something within you and you'll gradually leave the past hurt behind and start off on a new journey. I can almost hear you scoff at that notion, but it's true. Deep down inside you somewhere you know it's true too.  Make Women Female Again
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the saddest thing is - it wasn't you who's at fault. I hate when we internalize things that are beyond our control.
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8/13/2023 2:35 pm |
"I'm a thousand miles from nowhere Time don't matter to me 'Cause I'm a thousand miles from nowhere And there's no place I wanna be I got heartaches in my pocket I got echoes in my head And all that I keep hearing Are the cruel, cruel things that you said I'm a thousand miles from nowhere Time don't matter to me 'Cause I'm a thousand miles from nowhere And there's no place I wanna be Oh, I Was right Oh, I Oh, I Was righ Oh, I I've got bruises on my memory I've got tear stains on my hands And in the mirror there's a vision Of what used to be a man I'm a thousand miles from nowhere Time don't matter to me 'Cause I'm a thousand miles from nowhere And there's no place I wanna be I'm a thousand miles from nowhere Time don't matter to me 'Cause I'm a thousand miles from nowhere And there's no place I wanna be Oh, I I'm a thousand miles from nowhere I'm a thousand miles from nowhere...Dwight Yoakam, 1993, from the album "This Time" Betrayal is a scar that takes ANYONE with HONEST, LOVING, CARING FEELINGS for another to overcome, it runs DEEP the more loving a person is, and the more DEEPLY involved you were with the one that betrayed you. I've heard SO MANY TIMES in my own life, "Oh, put it behind you, you'll get over it, you're better off now that she's out of your life!, etc., etc., etc. BUT thirty years later the smallest memory of that betrayal brings ALL the WRONG that was said and done by her FLOODING back, and reminds me of how I felt then and how it STILL affects me today, in that way. But it's so much more than that, it's how it affected EVERYONE else that that was around US, that was CLOSE to US, that loved US, to the point that I don't see some of them at all any more, and some in just a limited capacity that's most of the time makes for an awkward moment/meeting. I feel for you, EX, the HURT lingers, and sometimes, for me it's forever, but thankfully NOT constant...Be well, and take care of YOU!!!
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hugs
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A hard realization. 
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It does have lasting effects.......
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I don't think you are anywhere close to being ruined. Those who are not you, have a different perspective.Yes your are at the least disappointment in humanity, specifically that one person who betrayed you. I can also understand that you doubt your ability to see a person who they really are. But this in the end will be a experience, you will undoubtedly screen better. Don't isolate yourself that in itself block to good folks. be cautious of course. But don't bock out the good guys becasue of a bad apple in the barrel. try to put this all in the past, It happened and its done. I got burned/betrayed several years ago. I kind of went into hiding in a physiological sense. I just did not consider anyone. Didn't date and so forth for two years. .And, I know I passed on a good relationship. He who hesitate looses. Don't do like I did. "One Big Sky Covers Us All Equally"
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you’re not ruined just broken & very fixable you are more then good enough & worthy it’s ok to question keep everybody real & honest solitude is death hope your weekend was good Ex big hug girl!
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I have been through this process. Honestly it took at least three years, To find some sort of Peace. To go on with no hate, grief, yes. Realize that person, is now dead to you. They no longer exist. Dead, to you So you bury them and move on. At times you just might see, someone who looks like an identical twin.. They are not the person you knew. Looks like them... But the person you knew, died... moved on
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Ex, A lot of good thoughts in the comments above. You seem better armed than most in confronting adversity. Have faith in your understanding and ability and you will know when the chance is worth the approach.
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That's excellent that you have wisdom. You deserve a sherbert pop. It's Sunday so go nuts. Howling at the moon and mal ad osteo.
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Ex The haunting picture matches perfectly your sentiment! i hope , one day, the pain and doubts will ease... A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. George Bernard Shaw Jenny
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I read this fun fact the other day..... "Trauma survivors get in the habit of spending a lot of time alone because alone is safe---relativity anyway. Alone is controllable. We understand alone. We don't have to stress about "alone." People are unpredictable. When we are alone there is less risk to manage." There is safety in numbers. Take the number 1 for instance. Often a very safe number. I hope this note finds you well. Warmest, !M xx "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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Oooooo you poor dear😥....perhaps solitude for awhile might help- or just girlfriends for company...❤️HUGS❤️
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was thinking of you... it all starts with you're worthy of being loved. That's such an important starting place. Here's something I wrote for you... She felt broken by love no dishonor there to love honestly and true then betrayed, unfair yet the human heart's resilience will always silence doubt it starts from just one ember to a flame that can't be doused like a man downtrodden that refuses to give in every time he rises is a chance again to win my heart was once so shattered 'thought who cared most never wins but from that single ember I learned that can come again best - boh
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Ex, I do understand what you are saying.  I even believe i might be in the same state as you feel, you are..... I am also so tired, to have to keep on guard all the time, with all the lies "those" tell, time and time again. How am i, ever, able to open up? To trust, again.....
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8/14/2023 4:33 am |
HI, "Ex", hope this song will BRIGHTEN your days when you're feeling "LOWLY"! This guy;s VOICE ALWAYS does it for ME, so I hope Aaron can for you, as well... "Oh, baby, I found heaven when I found you And this heaven is somethin' I don't wanna lose I only know that if you ever said, "Goodbye", I couldn't stand the pain These eyes would cry, cry, cry like the rain And the sun would have nowhere to shine And the stars would all fall from the sky Baby please, don't take away my heaven, oh no 'Cause this world would stop turnin', I know And I'd lose my whole world if you go Baby, don't, don't take away my heaven, oh no Oh baby, I saw forever when I saw you And if you left me, I can't imagine what I'd do Now that I've gone and built my world around your love I couldn't let you go Don't ever say, "Goodbye", no, don't, don't, don't ever go 'Cause the sun would have nowhere to shine And the stars would all fall from the sky Baby please, don't take away my heaven, oh no 'Cause this world would stop turnin', I know (Yes, I know) And I'd lose my whole world if you go (If you go) Baby please, don't take away my heaven, oh no 'Cause you might as well take away my life from me What good would a life without you be anyway (Anyway) If you go away Well, the sun would have nowhere to shine And the stars would all fall from the sky (From the sky) Baby please, don't take away my heaven, oh no 'Cause this world would stop turnin', I know (Yes, I know) And I'd lose my whole world if you go (If you go) Baby, don't, no, don't take away my heaven, oh no Don't take away my heaven, don't take away your love Don't take away my world 'cause baby, I need your touch Baby, don't, don't take away my heaven, oh no Please don't take away my heaven Please baby, don't, oh Don't take away my heaven, oh Don't take away my heaven, don't take away your love Don't take away my world 'cause baby, I need your touch Baby, don't, don't take away my heaven, oh no
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In age, and in solitary we learn that what we are seeking is less a physical relationship but more a mental partnership . . Quantifying that balance is where we all are, to one degree or another. There is no advice for you, or me, or they, accept to know you aren't going through it alone, just without a partner. There is a very eclectic group of responses on this blog that all know the journey, on a very personal, individual level. We will all line up to say, hell yes Ex, solitude is the way to go . . But we are also all still here standing ankle deep in the swamp.
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ExName, I feel the same, i cant open up, when the distrust is allways there, in the back of my mind...... It is not fair to that person, and very tiresome for me. So, i keep myself out of 'the game'... Cant muster the energy anymore, to get involved..... Keep myself from the world, too. Just going through the motions, cost more then enough energy! Although there is always, in the back of my mind, that maybe... this very, very small spark..... ember... that maybe..... ? Nah.... Too tired.
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Ex, let me say that I honestly do not like to hear you talking so self-disparagingly in this manner. I believe that in the final analysis, it is unwarranted and undeserved. While I do agree with you that betrayal, lies, and perfidy, when experienced by one, will leave mental scars and other disturbing and disruptive and debilitating vestigial effects upon one’s spirit and consciousness, you MUST, nevertheless, NOT allow yourself to become undone by this past grievous action.that you were made to recognize and confront, and by which you were made to endure suffering and a sense of abandonment, isolation, loneliness, timidity, indecisiveness, immobilizing/sapping global distrust. and even, counterintuitively, of personal unworthiness and guilt.. You must step, with conviction and forthrightness out of the past to allow a newfound present commitment,to enable you, cathartically, to disenthrall yourself from the lines of all these notional anchors that are going to pull you down into the depths. You must effectively cut those lines and let those anchors fall irretrievably into the ocean of the rusting past, where they belong. You are too sharp a tack and too savvy a woman to allow these ruinous aftereffects to usurp the wonderful throne of your mind. Now, Ex, I have never been privy to any of the details of your.past, so I can only make what are mostly errant and misguided assumptions, so please don’t blame me too harshly if they are off-target. Am I correct in assuming you were happily married or otherwise enjoyably & significantly attached in the lead-up to the betrayal of which you speak; moreover, am I correct in assuming, as well, that out of this relationship, you had, at least, one precious child? If so, it seems patently clear to me that the ONLY ONE who rightfully deserves to bemoan their fate and to lapse into self deprecating, self-pitying, and guilt-ridden angst in the aftermath of the woeful betrayal, WOULD BE THIS MAN. Though, realistically, no one ever wins in the outcome of something like this, this man definitely LOST. I want you, Ex, to sweep aside all the self-imposed obstacles you have stacked in front of yourself on the path to your waiting goals of personal attainment and achievement, as well as, lasting contentment and equanimity and joyfulness. Damn it, Ex You deserve to be happy, as I’ve stated before. It’s time to divest yourself of these mental goblins that beset and hinder you. Let’s get crackin’,girl Time waits for no one. Do not let this toxic and now pointless memory infect you with self-doubts about your own inestimable worth and capability, and needlessly force you to waste your potential and future. You’ve got all the heart and brains and dynamic Chutzpah– all the motivation and bodily equipment and bottled-up youthfulness– to make this happen. Give this so-far-atonal, discordant, and dissonant piece of music its much needed 4th movement tonic dominant resolve.
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and hugs back at you dear Arty 
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