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I just do not have a kind word for her. No empathy. Nothing. How awful that is...
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Some women aren't born with that maternal gene. it makes it hard for them to act like a mother. I know this from experience. Before we knew about Narcissism, I just referred to her as a "Monster." At some point in life, we must let go of those feelings and move on. So we don't drag those horrible traits into our own relationships. In other words, break the chain of trauma. I wish you well Ex, in coping with this loss. You'll make it through and you'll be a stronger woman for it. "Men need to hunt. She obviously understands this. She’s offering herself as prey. Not easy prey. But willing.”
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You do not have any obligation to be involved with her at this point. She apparently made your life miserable, why would you try to comfort her. If you do anything, m just make a phone call and say you got tangled up (no further explanation needed, if she ask to explain just don't). Just say, you forgive her for the things done or said to you. And, you are going to remember the good stuff when she is gone. Short and to the point, And yes, forgive her as best you and move on. It is after all totally in the past. Why worry about it, it is just eating on you, We don't get to pick our relatives be they parents, uncles aunts, cousins and such. You would not be involved with this person if they were not a relative. It just happens they are a miserable person, you do not have to try and correct that. So many people try to fix what is broken at their own expense. Just don't. Because in the long run it will not be fixed. Save y our energy for the good people in your life. Help out someone who is struggling that will appreciate your suppor "One Big Sky Covers Us All Equally"
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my sympathy’s & condolences Ex l feel you l understand you...the sins of another are not yours to bare do not regress but progress forgive & move on tight squeeze w gentle facial caress enjoy your Sunday funday girl!
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Well said, DancingDom.
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Remember,If one has nothing nice to say... say nothing it seems She is trapped in a place of her own making Nothing You do will change that for Her Only drain You so why put yourself through that ...again? . I believe Your obligations to Her, are fulfilled
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Maybe I should take something to calm me down before going there or a glass of wine or brandy... This tells me that despite how unpleasant each visit is, you're going to be the 'bigger/better person' and go. I consider that incredibly commendable on your part. One day your mother will be gone and you will be able to take solace in the fact that you treated her kindly despite having every reason not to. Such a shame that the world does not have more people like you. I know it's hard to do, but just let the bile go in one ear and out the other. You're a lady with a heart big enough that you can do this.  Make Women Female Again
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I was in a similar situation with my mother. She for all purposes died but the shell kept living for 20 years constantly using her near demise as leverage. It came to a head in a big family fight and when she started with the guilt trip i left and never returned. I received numerous phone calls with the threat that I'd be cut out of the will and what a lousy son I was. I had my own family which I was a single father and she was going to falsely claim my kids were in peril if I did submit. The short of it is I cut off all communications with the whole family and told them to enjoy what she leaves them and raised my kids 1,000 miles away from her. A few years later when she was at the end people were contacting me saying she wanted me there, I didn't go the game was over and it would do no good to see her again. Hang in there and focus on you for you're own peace of mind.
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I was in a similar situation with my mother. She for all purposes died but the shell kept living for 20 years constantly using her near demise as leverage. It came to a head in a big family fight and when she started with the guilt trip i left and never returned. I received numerous phone calls with the threat that I'd be cut out of the will and what a lousy son I was. I had my own family which I was a single father and she was going to falsely claim my kids were in peril if I did'nt submit. The short of it is I cut off all communications with the whole family and told them to enjoy what she leaves them and raised my kids 1,000 miles away from her. A few years later when she was at the end people were contacting me saying she wanted me there, I didn't go the game was over and it would do no good to see her again. Hang in there and focus on you for you're own peace of mind.
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Ex, What you express resonates with me. My mother must have not possessed that maternal gene as described by Alijaded. I left home after High School never to return. My mother passed away 20 years ago, I went to the funeral but had zero feelings and just pretended for my father, who strangely, loved her dearly. Because we have no choice in parents, I accepted my lack of emotion as proof that she never earned my love. That's, of course, just me, but I never experienced a lick of regret. Each person must reorder their emotions however best they can. Time does heal and new connections can lessen the scars. 
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It's a hard pill to swallow, that's for sure. Your well being is the most important and having no regrets is a big part of that.
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very engaging - thank you for sharing.
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Never forget that you are strong part in your relationship with her, you decide and define what’s the best way how to move forward. Be strong, stay strong.
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Oooooooooo My Dear Ex💋...Being a loner saves me so much heartache...❤️HUGS❤️
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Ex I can;t really add anything to what has not already been said!  You are in terrible situation! You can only decide to do what will cause you the LEAST pain! Visit or ignore her! Sadly, people cannot change as they age, their worse tendencies tend to grow!!! A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. George Bernard Shaw Jenny
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Aah, such a painful dilemma. I was in some sort of semilar situation with * her * too. i tried to be nice and visit her, now and again. Always went home, totally upset and it took me most of the time a whole week, to become mé again. So, after experiencing this a few times, i decided, she is dead to me. I cant do this anymore. also, she was always soo very nice to my friends and lovers, nobody ever believed a word i told about who and how she really was. lonely in that way, too. my sisters experienced the same, one by one, we tried to visit her. I dont have regrets, for not visiting anymore, after i tried many times. she died some years ago, i dont even know where she is burried, i dont care, either. If, and that is a very big IF, you can put your emotions out of order and visit her, just like she is some stranger .....? Maybe then you can handle it, emotionally. But why should you? If you are able, just let her go. She does not own you, she does not have any right on your time, energy. Let go! People like that, wont ever learn or change... they cant. People with Borderliner, or Narsictic tendencys cant feel love, dont have that responsiblity gene, care gene. Only know how to manipulate anyone around them, for their own fun. It is hard, i understand.
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Exname, Ooh, yeah, i too, was always and have always been her dearest daughter. puke!!  amp;Just cut her out. Liberate yourself and do a lot of selflove, please, be your best friend, lover, care giver. Pamper yourself, it was never your fault. And also, if that works for you, feel the pain, feel the neglet.... acknowledge that, and go on. You are worth to be loved! To be taken care of.
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You have my empathy Ex. Those before me have shared good points. One thing I would add is something I learned on my grief journey. The saying "your mask first" rings in my mind a lot. You need to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else, expending energy elsewhere. If being around her and dealing with her only comes at a cost, then I simply wouldn't do it. Further, I would not apologize for it. Be honest ~ there is nothing I can do for you, but that is it. You do not need to explain. As I have told many others, and have to remind myself on occasion ~ "No." is a perfectly good sentence.  Ars longa, vita brevis - Art is long, life is short  
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Jeez, Ex, I don’t really know what to say on this subject, It’s clearly a tough one, and one which, at the very least, I’m so sorry happens to be the case for you. Despite your feelings toward your mother for the last fifty years–and I am absolutely certain you are NOT an “idiot”-- I believe that the way you handled this matter–the entreaty by your relative to come visit your mother, whose health was in decline– was the proper and commendable thing to do, even though I know it was very difficult and unsettling for you to accede to this earnest petition and to carry out.the request, and by so doing, break your 2½-year deliberate estrangement from your mother, who had totally alienated those around her, including yourself, by her display of symptoms of an obvious personality disorder, involving conspicuous elements of narcissism and selfishness, and a complete lack of regard for (or empathy with) others; not to mention, her seemingly blithe denial (or consciously stubborn refusal or outright incapacity to show awareness) of the extent of her malady or of how inappropriate and lastingly scarring her routine manner might be.negatively affecting others, including blood relatives and offspring. I can understand how disturbing this was for you, but I want you to hear me out in the balance of these comments. I, for one, believe we can NEVER really know anybody, and it is in our unknowing,that it becomes very facile, and oftentimes, convenient, to play the expert and pass judgment on another, especially if that other person’s perceived actions, behavior, and attitude are taken personally as intending to specifically hurt us, which invariably they do, but perhaps for reasons we don’t fully comprehend, even though we react with an automatically triggered, knee-jerk. animosity and hurtful indignation, particularly when those actions, etc., collide with our own desired expectations..Let me try to explain. How well do you really think you know your mother? Is it not conceivable that your mother may have had a traumatic experience or situation in her earlier life, perhaps before you were born or even before she had met her husband/your father, an experience, for example, let us say, much like the private and personal one that,most recently has been adversely affecting YOUR life, but which, unlike you, she was unable effectively to put behind her in a committed effort to establish a newfound lease on life? Have you ever tried to talk seriously to your mother at some point about her earlier and more formative years and any possible burden of guilt, shame, blame, unappeasable anger, or inconsolable sadness she might have been stoically carrying, mentally, along with her on her journey right up to the present day, a burden which can only have hardened or festered over time into a condition that borders on–if it hasn’t, in fact, already entered– the very precincts of an actual pathology? It is up to us to do our best to be good, kind, nice, and decent to those we have had the pleasure and privilege of befriending, as well as to be loving to those who, for whatever reason or circumstances, brought us, miraculously, into this world. You can be proud, Ex, of the way you acted when summoned on this occasion, late in your mother’s life. I’m confident you will continue to honor that filial bond, however difficult it may be when it seems a maternal one is not being so conspicuously and openly, or even subliminally, honored in return. Perhaps there is enough time left for your love to make and to see her love burgeon in kind. If not, it will be enough to know that it is and has always been there…just too deeply buried for its timely resurrection. Again, I am sorry and saddened, Ex, that this experience has been allowed to so blemish your life in the way it has. Please, stay ever hopeful…and find only the good in things that still remain for their happening.and your enjoyment and satisfaction therefrom. I have to believe that by putting your mother irretrievably out of your reach and concen…by demeaning her in your mind as some sort of abominable, grotesque, and loathsome creature…or by returning hatred and contempt for what you believe are the same emotions and feelings coming from her, can only come back to you in a bad and insalubrious and infectious way. I would truly not want to see you resort to this level of disaffection .I fear such an act–such a resigned outlook– would end up becoming, in your mind, after her inevitable departure, the lowest point or nadir of your life, and would haunt and torture you forever thereafter. Try to rise to the occasion, Ex, by not letting that happen. I know you are made of sterner stuff..
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I think, it is best to cut all contact, with her, for your own mental health. And tell the person who contacted you, telling you she was not well, that he/she must not contact you ever again, about her. And then block her. This will always be a hurtfull contact, she has nothing to give, what ever you want, you wont ever get it from her ( and like i, you know that) i know, it hurts like hell. For me, the moment i heard about her death, i felt liberated, could not tell anyone about it, only with my other sister... she totally understood. Get your balance back, first.
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