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A day of failure My post will appear in the cooments |
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When I agreed with Sir to blog it was with the understanding that I would not only blog about the good things the good days but I would have the courage to blog about the bad as well. This is about one of those days. A word of caution to those who maybe reading this , this is not about some kinky story of things gone wrong . it is a story about my struggles as a person dealing with her internal demons. If you were looking for kinky or otherwise don’t care to read about things like this move on there is nothing here for you. My past began to raise its ugly head Friday evening I did many things my Sir suggested when this may happen they worked somewhat but my anxiety was up my will power down. I should mention that this night was the first time in months he was not available he was off to see a friend of his in a remote area of state cell phone coverage was spotty at best if at all workable. Whether this triggered me or not Im not sure ptsd can hit at anytime. I made it through Friday night but slept probably only an hour or two at best. Saturday I did follow Sirs rules however I dragged my ass from bed showered dressed and the rest . I was very presentable as Sir would have wanted at least physically mentally however I was shot and knew it . I had no energy no real will to do anything really . I fought it best I good but by mid afternoon Saturday I knew I was in trouble as some flash backs begun to occur , not a good sign for me. I tired to text Sir with little success. By early evening 5pm or so I was curled up in my bed in a fetal position crying softly. Finally around 6 Sir got answer through and asked if I was alright , I don’t lie to Sir ever I answered I wasn’t but was fighting my demons as best I could not to worry I would make it through . I did not get a reply. By 8 I was in the worst shape I had been in Since before I had met Sir . the nightmares had begun I was sweating I was chilled and still in the fetal position unable to move really. By ten it is what the same if not worst then it happened a knock at my door wtf I thought I was in know position to answer the door I ignored it. The knocked persisted finally in anger I threw on a robe and was ready to give someone a good taste of vile words. I opened the door to say wtf do you want? I got the what out that was all before me stood my Sir . He took one look at me and literally picked me up and carried me to bed. I wanted to talk he would not let me he simply laid beside me holding me telling me there would be time to talk in the morning . I know I lied there in his arms crying softly for an hour so he never stopped holding me never said a word just made sure I was safe in his arms. I finally fell asleep didn’t wake up until 9 or so . Sir was still sleeping soundly his arm still around me. I got up as slowly and gently as I could not wanting to disturb him. I showered dressed this was a thong only. Slid in my butt plug it felt so good being there all seemed normal with the world. I fixed breakfast I knew I was hungry so Sir surely had to be as well. I was just finishing up cooking when Sir came in the kitchen to be honest he looked like hell. I shook my ass at him he smiled . finally he spoke well it seems my love is back to her normal looking sexy self. I said I was. Wait ,what? I was not sure I heard it right besides I wanted to talk about last night he would not let me . he told me I had fixed a wonderful breakfast for us to enjoy it we would talk after. We ate in pretty much silence enjoying the meal but he did look at me and smiled at what he said was my beauty. We finished eating I cleaned everything up and when done he took my hand and said come my love we will talk now. Wait what? This time I knew I heard what he said right as rain. My heart was racing now but I had to apologize to him for having failed at beating my demons off . He listened politely and earnestly as I went through all my feelings my trying not to let them overcome me. I told him how bad I felt taking him away from his friend. That when he showed up I had no idea he was coming. He was surprised by this as he said he had sent me a text and it showed it had been delivered . I sat upright what? Im sorry Sir I do not think I received it. I grabbed my phone and their at 820pm was a text it had two simple words in it. It said Im coming. Omfg I had been in such bad shape I hadn’t even heard it come in. I began to cry . Hush Sir said it is all right you did all you could tried the best you could that is all I can ask of you. But Sir I failed I let them control me more then I ever should have. Sir said well you may look at it as a failure if you want I do not . we don’t always win every battle we face in life but does not mean we have lost the war. Who did as best you could you did not give in easily you fought. You survived to fight again and win the war you face. You are my love no longer a victim but a survivor . Yes at times you may lose a short battle but you are strong you will win the war that rages inside you. We sat along time me cuddled in his arms just holding each other. Finally I worked up some courage and asked Sir if I could ask him a question . he looked right at me and said there is no need to yes im in love with you and yes you are now my love. Out of the darkest of nights sometimes comes the brightest of sunlight well I know my battles are not over my strength is increasing . Now I not only have Sir but I have love . with the two of them beside me I will not lose. Struggle mightily at times yes ptsd does not just go away love or not . But in time it can fade and when it does show its ugly head I know I can survive and that is what really matters.
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nice
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i like the way you write thanks for sharing
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In time you will have new good memories to replace the bad ones. You could always reach out to others if needed, I am sure that there are people on here who would offer you support without wanting anything in return
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Well Wantonone. . . so very interesting to read your situation. You have Demons to understand and conquer . . . but you will get there. Your Sir seems to understand you and you problems completely. . . and how to come to terms with them . . . and beat them. Sir seems a good man to be with you, and behind you . . . but importantly . .there for you. Best of luck in your travel ! x
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Stay strong and focus on serving Him. You will grow and make it through this.
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I am sure what you go through is terrifying, and I hope that those episodes end quickly for you. I have a very special friend, we used to chat for hours daily. She warned me that she goes through times that she just shuts out the world, she's going through one of those times now. We've chatted 2 times since the beginning of October. I wish I could be there for her, You are very fortunate that you do have your Sir to care for you, to comfort you. Good luck in fighting the issues.
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My take is that failing doesn't mean you are a failure. To succeed is the rarity and there certainly isn't anything with failing. Get used to it. Best to make friends with failure. Just an opportunity to regroup and re-focus upon the situation.
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I'm glad you got through that okay and that you seem to have come out better on the other side of it. It was a great story, and I'm glad you felt strong enough to share it. Everything doesn't always have to be about sex and kink. Well done, both of you.  
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An interesting read and a valuable message for people who struggle with this. You have a strong drive and it is supported by a Master who shared more than words. As Dreamcatcher said, kudos to the both of you and ty for sharing this publically. Perhaps it will give another courage and strength to see that they are never alone in any struggle!
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Wantonone77 replies on 2/1/2021 11:26 am: Reaching out to others is a work in progress one in which I'm thinking hard about. There are several who seem to understand my plight in a personal way. I hope at sometime in the near future I can reach out to them. Being a standard member at the moment however limits the ways I can. That may change as well. Thank you for your comments and suggestions. You came here to blog and you can do that for free, paying for membership will not add any more value to your blog. You communicate with your readers through your blog, you have shown us that you actually read the comments posted but also give readers the courteousy of a reply. Being on alt reminders me of my favourite western movie The Good The Bad and the Ugly. Hopefully you will get a lot of good, very little bad and no ugly. I did read read elsewhere in your blog, that you dipped your toes into chat guess you got to see the ugly. Welcome to alt chat LOL Alt does make it difficult to chat for standard members but there are other ways. There are other platforms for that and you never know who you will find if you use a bit of grey matter. A criteria for a friend shouldn't be based on seeing a pic or wanting something, rather it should be be based on having something to offer
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