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Chapter 6 Here I am again. Waiting destroy myself. Watching degrading porn. degrade myself. Looking for ideas. How will I tie myself up tomorrow? What is going inside of me? Will I even feel ? I want be tied up tight. I want a gag in my mouth. I want something vibrating. Deep in my anus. Looking at these words from last night I’ve realised I do love being a slut. I get really turned on by the idea of being depraved. I like degrade myself. I’m starting understand porn consumption and engaging in adult chatrooms is part of my kink. provides guilt and shame my fantasy, so now I’m wondering if guilt and shame are parts of my personality that I need some attention . I should do some NLP work on myself again, run through some self guided scripts and set some goals. I’m quite wasted on strong homegrown weed. But I’d like do a more before I go upstairs and degrade myself further with anal sex and self-bondage. Watching the porn is the build up this that makes me ashamed so that I must punish myself. And we have , I am punishing myself in many aspects of myself and if I can figure out why and resolve then my life may change further. ’s important indulge and explore these things as a form of self knowing. So, I’ve been given orders from slutting myself on fetlife. I have been ordered vibrate my anus, stretched out in rope bondage and wearing a ball gag. I will be happy explore this scene once I have reached the right vibe… I think I’m going do a simple crotch tie hold the vibrating beads in place again. That felt really good last time… I’m just watching some really good ropework. is something very relaxing about putting rope on and I’ll make an effort further improve my technique. I’ve just finished my drink and will go now for another smoke before going upstairs my fate. I leave the porn and my webcam running… ...I’m back now from my smoke. I came upstairs then decided go back downstairs make another<b> vodka </font></b>and orange over ice. Now I am back with it at my side. Sipping as I think about what do myself. If you can’t party in your own bedroom, where can you? ’s a nice light in here with the blinds drawn. The windows are slightly open and I can hear the persistent, Great British, rain falling. Traffic noise from the motorway junction. Air traffic. Moderate breeze. The sounds from the aircraft come in waves. I’m looking for poetry in my words these days. Trying to write in forms that express myself more clearly. That have a rhythm that is easy to access. I take a sip an survey my tools. The first thing that caught my eye was a wooden bar that I use as a spreader. I could do a real on my legs by attaching ankle cuffs the spreader bar, then rope around knees/ lower thighs tied ropes looped around the bed slats. The idea stretch my ankles and knees out is intriguing. All this time I am broadcasting. No interesting viewers as yet. Time unpack my kit I feel. Toys are all unpacked. Tme for a shower and some anal. I leave the view of my bed with all the toys spread out, waiting, on my webcam. |
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