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the why before playing with a new partner, it is important to ask yourself "why". Why do they wish to exert Dominance or Sadism over me? blog follows in first comment. thanks for reading! |
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"I don't do this because I hate women. I do this because it's erotic." --- Sir MJ When i was a newbie in the BDSM word, it took me too long to realize that i had to REALLY scrutinize "the why" when deciding to play or not to play with people. Why were they Sadists, or Dominants? Was it because they loved these things due to the mutual erotic fulfilment of both parties? Or was it because they had anger or control issues and used BDSM play as an unhealthy outlet? *** Some of you that know me well already know my history and my first tumultuous year of playing. So i won't go into too much detail about all that here. But suffice to say that at one point, i had just figured that being treated like shit was part and parcel of getting what i wanted out of a scene. A trade off that i'd just have to deal with. It wasn't until i'd met Sir MJ that i learned that there was a better way to do BDSM. That i could get the things that i wanted AND be treated well, as a submissive and as a person. i so clearly remember telling him how i was so freaked out with how another "dominant" was treating me and the things he did to me and asked of me. This particular "dominant" had told me, "I just like to boss women around." This was so alarming to me, especially coupled with his other actions and lifestyle. i certainly did not want to be "bossed around" in order to placate some broken, hateful man. (Those of you who have been in relationships with toxic, abusive people with untreated anger/addiction/ego/control issues know what i am talking about. Since the issues come from them---not you---trying to placate them is a losing battle.) i didn't want to feel frightened, or truly harmed (physically or mentally), or kowtowed into an abusive, controlling relationship. i wanted to do BDSM and Power Exchange for other reasons: for erotic fulfillment. For the pure fact that somehow, i am wired to enjoy and seek out both pleasure and pain. And, on a deeper mental/emotional level, for a sense of belonging, love, trust and commitment. It took me almost exactly a year to figure this out. If it hadn't been for Sir MJ & a few other positive role models who took the time to give me "safe and sane" advice and perspectives, i would have either ended up in the hospital, or with a complete mental breakdown, or left the scene entirely. Probably all three. ***** If anyone is reading this and it resonates with you...please consider "the why." You don't have to sacrifice your mental or physical well being to experience BDSM play. Take the time to educate yourself, meet good role models, immerse yourself in as many positive aspects of the lifestyle that you can. Go to some Munches, Classes and Discussion Groups. Attending these types of events, either in person or virtually, will start to give you knowledge, and knowledge will give you the power to make better decisions. And always remember that YOU deserve to be treated with respect, care and deference, regardless of your role. It may seem impossible but believe me, there are a lot of Dominants, Tops and Sadists who play not out of anger or unchecked issues. To find them can take a while, but once you do, it will change your life forever.
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It's an important question to ask. My response would be the same as Sir Mj, having been imprinted with the eroticism of it all at an early age from movies and comic books. [As an aside, it's interesting to learn what we know now about Dr. William Marston, creator of "Wonder Woman," who lived an alternative lifestyle with his wife and their girlfriend, and was an avid bondage fetishist.] I was raised to be polite and to treat a lady like a lady, which I will, unless or until she requests otherwise. Regards, RB
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I think we need to consider our own why too. Thanks for the solid advice, it makes every sense.
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