Blog : In the Beginning...

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12/29/2021 6:24 am

In the Beginning...

So, I changed jobs about 5 months ago, leaving the old one with a near-burnout level numbness and lethargy that was 4 years in the making. My new job is more within my comfort zone, a little easier in some ways and is helping me resolve my weaknesses while capitalizing on my strengths. I have begun to relax again professionally and found some quiet confidence after establishing a few helpful work friendships. Although I still need to get a part-time job to supplement my new salary, I realized that I had more freedom in my schedule and thought that maybe it was time to prepare for a new personal relationship, another foray into the dating pool. (Although at this point, just turning 45 but feeling like I may finally have this adulting thing under control, the dating pool feels more like a small mythical mirage deep in the heart of the Sahara.)

I have developed over the years a belief that if you ask for something from the universe and prepare for it, then you will receive it. (Kinda like a smashing together of prayer, law of attaction, and quantum physics wavelength syncronicity stuff.) I don't think there is an omniscient being in the clouds but that there is more of a balance to nature, a tuning of your inner wavelength to things in the cosmos that then make their way to you. Seems to work for me. Since my last relationship fizzled out about 5 years ago (the last straw being a dating disaster involving the movie Deadpool), I haven't felt in the position to start another, that I couldn't give it the attention it would need. More likely, if I was honest with myself, that I didn't want to deal with another guy who didn't understand any of my needs and desires.

I have always seen myself as a personification of a dragon: large, strong, extremely smart, loves being alone, independent, will do what it takes to get the job done, has no patience for helpless crybabies (best crunchy and good with ketchup). These traits do not work very well with most males of the species. Pair that with the fact that I yearn for a man who has the ability to take all of the responsibilty from my shoulders (without the obsession of actually doing so), who I can trust to do whatever I ask in a way that honors my wishes while possibly giving me more than I asked for, and that most importantly, is Dominant enough for MY dominant side to relax and step aside so my submissive side can feel safe enough to come out to play. It has been so exhausting to be the strong one for so fucking long. Turns one cynical and jaded if you let it (and I was getting so close).

I found my submissive side in college and had a few D/s relationships that were satisfying but never found one that clicked. I tried mixing it with some vanilla boyfriends and eventually gave up, figuring that it was just a phase. Well, still waters run deep and I finally realized years later that it is extremely hard for me to truly relax if I don't access my submissive side. I tend to just distract myself with other tasks, procrastinate, and act the ornery, angry dragon. I am constantly trying to contain my frustrations with the people around me. This is really, REALLY hard when you are a smart, decision-maker digging deep for the compassion to deal with people, without ripping their incompetent heads off (ugh). It did get easier to be compassionate eventually because when you are running the<b> batteries </font></b>of your soul on mere sparks for so long, you just don't have the energy for head-ripping and so you sink into the "sucks to be you" mindset and just metaphorically walk around people in your way. A positive feedback loop of just relying on yourself more and more while becoming more mentally isolated. (Do not recommend, 2 out of 5 stars.)

So, what does an exhausted, internally seething female alpha-type dragon do when deciding to prepare for a new relationship? (Keyword here is PREPARE, not actually start the relationship, baby steps are needed to avoid casualities on both sides.) Well, the list includes clean and organize the lair, glow up the scales, start lifting some weights and stretching the wings, cut out the sugary treats and fast food (and some of that food is darn fast).

But what to do about the internal seething orneriness, how to get back the fire in the soul? Well, since I hang out mainly on Youtube, I thought that maybe some guided mediatation would help, I've always been partial to whispered commands in my ears so let's try that. It was fine, worked ok, even fell asleep during a few so I got some needed rest (procrastinating about the work you bring home leads to doing said work at 1 am, knowing that the alarm is set for 5 am, and railing at yourself the whole time for being an idiot). But it wasn't quite right (ugh).
So, on one of the rare nights when my much-starved libido drags its withered form out and insists on sustenance, I turned to my old standby, my favorite erotic stories website. As I scoped out the categories for something that tickled my fancy, I noticed the Audio section. Hmmm, wonder if there is something there that could do the trick. I pulled up the Hall of Fame and started in, letting myself pick and choose interesting titles, finding one here and there that held promise. One author had a Scottish lilt (so sexy), one did erotic hypnosis (restarted my ability to cum on voice command, a neat little trick from college, awesome for wearing myself out having multiple orgasms, also good as an ab workout). I snuggled deep in the blankets, enjoying myself as I selected the next one, a wolf/chase themed story about a couple at a party, propping the phone in my hoodie, next to my ear.
And THEN, this deep amazing voice slammed into my brain, a growling, a wicked chuckle (WTF!). My body became both alert and relaxed at the same time, as if it recognized something primal, instinctual. Now THIS is interesting, never considered a Wolf before... I listened through the whole story, wondering about the parts I would act out differently (my Dominant side would throw out a bit of a challenge but would be thrilled at your overwhelming Dominance), getting wet over the parts that matched my desires (stalking, hard kiss, finger-fucking, growling, semi-public, against a wall, neck, held tight, commands, fucked-from behind... my submissive side scrambling to check sooo many boxes). OH MY... I spent hours listening to this authors audios, so excited when I found parts that resonated with me, checking off my various quirks until nearly all had been discovered in at least one of the scenarios.
I went to work the next day with a smile on my face and a spring in my step. A bone-deep relaxation had begun and I just floated along, coming home each night to explore more audios, sometimes with other authors, but always ending my audio sessions with my favorite aftercare audio. After more research on the author through interviews, posts on other sites, and private pages, I realized that what I dreamed of, a man who could be kind and articulate, thoughtful and funny, BUT could also have wicked, primal lust and understanding, firm dominance, is not just a figment of my imagination. He is REAL. Not a unicorn, but a big, bad, delicious WOLF. And maybe, just maybe, there are more out there. Maybe one in New Jersey. And if I prepare, if I work on myself to be the best Good Girl that I can be, a wolf ready for a mate rather than a dragon alone in my lair, then, when He crosses my path, I will be ready. Ready for the chase, ready for the catch, ready for the claiming. And then, some of those delicious audios can come to life, because now I have a goal, a model of the relationship that I want to experience, no more settling for less.

And so, the journey continues...Lonewolf9316


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