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That moment when… …you discover everything you thought you knew… was backwards. Understanding oneself is completely necessary when pursuing any relationship. When you misunderstand your desires, it is easy to be discouraged with what you get. It may be what you think you want. But, deep inside, there is something missing. All my life, I have been attracted to dominant people. They are sure and know what they want, and that’s attractive. I misunderstood this attraction to think I was a sub or even a switch… how? How could I not see it. I just assumed that this attraction meant I was submissive. I dated a Dom in my younger days. It was fun, but I couldn’t be controlled. I kept trying to control. That dynamic never works. At that time I couldn’t see that I was struggling for the position she held. It dissolved into a bitter clash of<b> jealousy </font></b>and rage. Looking back it makes sense now. This week… literally, this past few days… one week after opening up and showing my face, despite my fear I might be known and “exposed”, I have realized after talking with a few members here (thank you so much for your patience with me, I apologize if I sent conflicting messages… I was unaware of my full nature) that I require submission from my partner. I never quite cared to learn, this was too taboo a society to get involved in fully, and whatever interest I had in it wasn’t real, or otherwise considered delusional thinking by my partner.I wanted my partner to approve of this and participate, but I didn’t yet know what I needed. Maybe, but honesty in communicating our needs should come first. How do you maintain an honest relationship if you aren’t honest with yourself. Fucking 50 years to discover this about myself. All this to say, I’m happy to be here. Thank you to those who engaged and helped me explore my dialogue and emerge the man I am meant to be. |
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