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Can a submissive help their Dominant feel in control? Article in comments  |
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A Dominant SHOULD be confident in themselves and feel in control with a submissive. But not all Dominants have the experience and the self-confidence when they start out in the lifestyle. And some experienced Dominants have times when they feel lost. A submissive CAN help a Dominant feel more in control in these situations. And help build a dynamic that will grow with the experience and self-confidence the Dominant gains Obedience This is fairly easy. If a submissive senses that their Dominant isn’t as self-confident as they should be, there are two ways they can proceed. First they can take advantage of that and try to get away with as much as they can without being disciplined. This will probably make matters worse for the Dominant’s confidence. The second, is being obedient to the utmost so the confidence level of the Dominant rises and the experience level rises. Think about Them The Dominant is always supposed to put the submissive first, but there are times that the Dominant needs to be a higher priority. An illness or stress from job or family can lower the Dominants ability to function. The submissive then needs to lower their expectations and shift thoughts to helping the Dominant through this period Listen to them. Sounds simple. But sometimes attention strays, instructions are forgotten. A submissive can help the Dominant by being attentive at all times, even when they feel the Dominant isn’t being “Dominant” enough. They shouldn’t ignore or blow off instructions, just because they feel they can get away with it. Communicate It’s always a priority to communicate in a BDSM relationship. If the submissive sees the Dominant err, they shouldn’t be afraid to gently remind the Dominant of the proper course of action, protocol or rule. Letting the Dominant err, time after time will not improve the dynamic, only cause it to erode. Be Honest Don’t lie or even fib, when the Dominant falters or has doubts. Be honest about the right course of action and support the Dominant. Also if something is dissatisfying the submissive, they should discuss it with the Dominant rather than let the situation continue to the detriment of the dynamic. Don’t turn your back on them. The submissive wouldn’t expect the Dominant to turn their back on them when times get rough, the submissive should always be there for the Dominant during tough times in life and in the dynamic Be accepting of rules and guidelines No submissive likes every rule and protocol a Dominant comes up with. But unless it’s something that’s a real limit, rules and protocols shouldn’t be a major issue. Complaining about everything the Dominant wants to have the submissive do, won’t solidify the dynamic. Negotiate protocols and rules with an open mind. If you have doubts, say so, and ask if there can be a trial period for the rule/protocol to at least give it a shot and boost the confidence of the Dominant. Don’t be a loose cannon There’s nothing wrong with testing a Dominant, or being a brat. But know when enough is enough. Be attentive to how the Dominant is handling the testing or brattiness. An Inexperienced Dominant might just lose all self-confidence instead of build experience. Work on it Don’t slack off, show the Dominant that you are being the best submissive you can be for them. Make the Dominant proud of you. It will surely build confidence and help “season” the Dominant with experience. Otherwise the Dominant might feel he can’t handle you and move on to a “simpler” submissive to control and learn with. © 12/13/22 Ronald Dirienzo
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Perhaps the sub can, but it depends on a host of variables. I do not believe the sub should ever resort to a hortatory or didactic insistence or tone..By any other name, this would still be a form or subset of "toppinjg from the bottom." I have to assume from the blogger's question that the sub in this case is not to be conveniently confused with a switch, or even simply as a sub with latent dominant tendencies that now and then will come to the fore and become manifest.. If I accept the premise that the roles of the two participants are non-exchangeable or mutually irreversible, then perhaps it would be best for the sub to suggest that they relax for awhile and watch some D/S and B&D porn videos on a smart phone or handy computer. It might serve to put the "dom" in a more typically/characteristically dominant frame of mind.. The sub's plan or ulterior motive would thus be for the dom, unwittingly, to learn by graphic example. The sub might next suggest that she was in the mood for for "someone" (
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(hint...hint) to enact with her in convincing roleplay some of the scenes/scenarios/activities she just witnessed in the videos. Hopefully, he would now be eager and in the proper mindset to accommodate her wish.
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Ooooooooo the first and last time I tried Topping From The Bottom I received a royal asswhipping I didn't forget for a very long time... Ha😥
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In a real life situation it's a partnership after all and so the sub is just as responsible for the outcome as is the dom. Claiming anything else is most likely just living in a dream world. A dom can feel insecure at times for any number of reason. Taking advantage of that is of course the beginning of the end. And you mention the dom who should put the sub first: In an ideal world he should indeed, in reality he has his own needs and desires and troubles. An most "doms" here look for a sub who will be putting the dom's needs always before their own! "Looking for a sub/slave willing to do anything and anytime I want" is a very popular statement on here. Such a guy should not wonder if the sub takes advantage of him in the most extreme way possible, as soon as he shows any weakness.
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This is a foolish post. Being a Dominant cannot be taught or instilled in someone that simple doesn't have that persona in their personality.
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This is a foolish post. Being a Dominant cannot be taught or instilled in someone that simple doesn't have that persona in their personality.
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I DISAGREE about this being "foolish" it makes good conversation.... Foolish doesn't make good. Encouraging wannabe's and the basement dwellers to think their submissive can make them something they are not is just stupid and frankly for a person that purports to be so experienced to make such a blog makes people doubt his level of experience to offer such an invalid idea.
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I DISAGREE about this being "foolish" it makes good conversation.... Foolish doesn't make good. Encouraging wannabe's and the basement dwellers to think their submissive can make them something they are not is just stupid and frankly for a person that purports to be so experienced to make such a blog makes people doubt his level of experience to offer such an invalid idea.
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The content of the blog makes sense to me. Dominants are human. In an ideal world, a Dominant has it all figured out. At some some point, an eventual Dominant was a novice. No one was born knowing everything. And if there is trust and communication in a meaningful D/s relationship, in times of crisis, a sub and a Dom will look after each other.
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A submissive should definitely help her Dom/Master feel in control by being obedient and doing as she/he is told... unless she has a bratty streak... like me.... 😉😜
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So what BDSM offers really does not exist. Dominant and submissive play is strictly sexual fantasy fun between lovers. That is the way I see it.
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To add briefly my limited brainpower on the matter: It is indeed that we are not born with all the knowledge and experiences. We grow/evolve on all layers of our being and during this process we learn with trial + error.....and the experiences shape our character and treats....but everybody comes to a certain limit (his/her own limit) be it in sports or in learning a (the tricks of ) trade. So, idem ditto when it comes to learning and progressing in becoming a DOM/sub or even being a switch (some here mention that this is either the 1 or the other....but what about the LGBTQIA+ with their differences and different looks towards sexuality?) We all start from scratch (or somewhere on the bottom) and we learn + become better in what we do ( though smithing one becomes a blacksmith ). So, YES, that's what RONDIRI meant with the text, predisposed or not, the way I interpret his writings and his additional comment to us. But your comment, RONDIRI, about the dick made me laugh, but it was nevertheless a weak defense against the reader 'painmaker' and a blow below the belt, but painmaker took it with sportmansship, given his reaction. I must admit that I'm not looking to compare my magnum with others, but somethimes I see big dicks on display here....maybe with the help of some photoshopping software....I don't know. I have noting against people here showing of their stong body parts. We are at least here on a BDSM site and females show also their boobs and cunt(s)...That makes it a colourful mix. I'm against censorship at all cost! Greetz, M.J.
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The blogger’s hypothetical question seems to neglect or disregard a factor that, for me, has always come up, quite importantly, during an online contact (made through an alternative lifestyle (D/s) dating site) with a potential domme, which I, myself, initiated (or else, during a contact made with me, but this time, initiated by an interested domme in search-mode, through the same dating site.) In both of these cases, such an attempt to successfully engage or establish opening/introductory/exploratory communication, represents, perforce, an integral phase of the search dynamic that obtains. The lack of this factor or component in the blogger’s question–the dearth or paucity of certain qualifying and vitally instructive information that must needfully be considered before an actualized real-time encounter/arrangement/session/relationship can (or ought) be entered into or, at very least, entertained in one’s mind as a green-lighted probability– renders the blogger’s posed query very abstract, theoretical, and idealized. It would have been helpful to the reader of (or the respondent to) the blog to have been informed of which individual initiated the online contact to the other’s profile; was it the putative dom that contacted the sub and broached the question regarding said receiver’s interest in or desire for the possibility of a prospective meet-up, or was it the sub who made the first overtures to the dom, based on his viewed profile and on how it fit the parameters of her--the sub’s– search? I only ask this because, except in only those rare (and devoutly to be wished) situations where the subject of “tribute” (oftentimes excessively prohibitive)--not to mention, other onerous rule based /contractual-type preliminaries– never comes up or is never an issue, it has, nevertheless, been my experience and impression that these D/s partnerings are, for the most part, driven by what can only be described as a pecuniary or remunerative or business concern or telos, whether that concern, depending upon the particular instance of it, belongs to the initiator or the recipient of the opening online gambit, probe, or approach, which could be either the dominant or the submissive. This can be a sticky issue; submissives will call/message dominants, or dominants will call/message submissives, to get the proverbial ball rolling. Generally, someone always gets paid…though, granted, not always. I can only recount my own experience. Though it seems eminently clear in this case that the submissive (under consideration in the blog), is a female, and the dominant is a male, these D/s and B&D roles, personae or presumably “genuine” self-identities, are, of course, not gender specific. A woman, most certainly, can be the dominant, and a man, her submissive slave; in other cases, the dominant and the submissive can both be of the same gender, male or female. In any event, the lack of these kinds of informative precursory details to the blog scenario’s particular (and somewhat peculiar, unexpected, unconventional) D/s dynamic, makes the blog’s question very difficult to answer.The blog’s query says nothing absolutely or definitively about the dom being weak or inexperienced or in some crisis mode or in the throes of self-doubt. Even if one were to assume that neither the dom nor the sub, in this hypothetical instance or session, had already received (or yet stood to expect or receive) tribute for their time spent and service rendered, the question remains fundamentally unanswerable, as it asks the respondent to delve into (and hazard a guess as to) the personalities, subjectivities, and psychologies of the participants. One cannot say for sure that a submissive can make a dominant feel more in control, as the standard disequilibrium or inequality or ritualized (and mostly theatricalized and safely adversarial) agon that prevails in such an alpha-beta dyadic relationship–one, at least, ostensibly or apparently, established between respective polar opposites on the power spectrum– can only be truly understood (and have its related blog question best answered, one way or the other) is simply (howsoever impracticably) by one’s having to BE THERE.. This notion loosely conforms to the Heidegerrian notion of Dasein and the existentialist mantra “existence precedes essence.” We simply cannot pretend to be able to answer the blog’s question with any degree of apodictic truthfulness or conviction. There are too many unknown competing variables to apprehend or to accommodate. By the same token, I would even make bold to contend that, alternatively, a dominant in a D/s relationship or on such a date could never be completely sure that he could, ipso facto, make his submissive complement feel more submissive than to the degree or level to which that sub was comfortable in manifesting or was customarily prone/given to evincing. Just as a circle cannot be squared, a heightened or more elevated degree of submissiveness cannot be assured (naturally/intrinsically) by visiting a greater degree of coercive/persuasive savagery and brutality upon the sub. I will close by saying that the only way I can even remotely imagine a sub being able to help a dominant feel in control is, unfortunately, for the sub to break character and to step out from beneath the otherwise wonderful governing bubble of illusion and skillfully engineered/orchestrated pretense and artifice that quite magically establishes and sustains the mood and tone and dramatic continuity of these enjoyable alternative lifestyle enactments and involvements, in order to give questionable helpful advice and encouragement to the ineffectual dom. The manufactured spell of an attempted life-like/veridical portrayal of a D/s or Master/slave relationship will immediately be dispelled by this out-of-context (and “off-script”) interruption. This stoppage or rupture of (at least, in this case,the less than favorable or the unsuccessful) D/s interactions which, though, in principle, remains quite unacceptable, might, on only this one occasion, be countenanced/permitted/warranted/advisable.. Depending upon the sub’s magnanimity or mood, the same dom MIGHT be deserving of one more session in which to redeem himself. If there was any hypothetical mention or hint in this blog of a tribute payment being involved here from the sub to the dom, I think it would be patently clear that this fact gives the blog question an added dimension of complexity. For example: would the female sub be deserving of a refund for this atypical or abnormal–perhaps even totally aborted–session? Who could even venture to predict or to divine the outcome? As I above stipulated, ONE WOULD SIMPLY HAVE TO BE THERE TO BEAR WITNESS.
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The content of the blog makes sense to me. Dominants are human. In an ideal world, a Dominant has it all figured out. At some some point, an eventual Dominant was a novice. No one was born knowing everything. And if there is trust and communication in a meaningful D/s relationship, in times of crisis, a sub and a Dom will look after each other.
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