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Who needs to learn in a dynamic? Article in comments |
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So, you watched or read 50 Shades of what BDSM ISN’T about, and The Story of O, maybe read Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty Trilogy. And you want to be a Dominant… or a submissive. You loved what you saw, it was sexy, thrilling. And Shazzam! You found a partner! Maybe you followed some safety procedures, hopefully did some negotiating and learned what each of you want. Decided on a few things. (Honestly, hopefully, you took the time to vet properly, look for red flags, negotiate intensely and worked out a dynamic that will be satisfying to both of you.) Now you’re in the dynamic, you’re ready for a scene play session. Maybe the Dominant has restrained the submissive. The Dominant picks up the impact toy of choice. Blood pulses through the Dominant’s body excitedly as images from the movies and novels flash through the mind. The submissive… has those images flashing through the mind also, but all of a sudden there’s trepidation. Why??? We know the submissive has a lot to learn about serving a Dominant, above and beyond just being a submissive. There’s learning what the Dominant’s favorite chair, meal, drink is. The Dominant’s daily schedule. When to serve dinner, when the Dominant gets home from work, the protocols, few or many. Basically, the submissive needs to learn how to be appreciated by THIS Dominant. After all the submissive wants to please the Dominant, so learning all these subtle things goes a long way towards being a good submissive, rather than ignoring them all and having to be told everything over and over. But why the trepidation when those flashes from the books and movies appear? Because in the books and movies, right from the start, the Dominant starts swinging for the proverbial fences. Just rear back and let goa lash or cane strike that in stunning in the audio reverberation, that embeds the instrument deep into the soft flesh like a meteor cratering the earth. And hey, why not? That’s what was shown in the movie, depicted in the novel. It’s gotta be the right way to do it, right? WRONG. The Dominant has a lot to learn in the beginning also. No matter how much the partners talk about it, no matter how much pain and intensity the submissive says they can handle. It’s all relative, subjective according to the personal tolerances of each person. The Dominant, no matter how little or much experience they have, has to LEARN the tolerances of the individual submissive. And you DON’T learn the tolerances by starting at the top of the intensity scale and doing everything like it’s a category 5 hurricane or a blizzard dropping a ton of pain. That’s a good way to traumatize a submissive that said… THOUGHT, they were an extreme masochist and could take any pain. Or the submissive that only said that to please and get a Dominant. You start at the bottom of the intensity scale and work your way up until you find the submissives outer tolerances and you do it SLOWLY, over time, not all in one session. And trauma isn’t the only risk. The submissive could just decide, NOPE, this is not for ME, and walk away, maybe just from you, maybe from the lifestyle, maybe into her own shell for the rest of their life. Because you believed nonfiction novels and movies as the real deal, instead of a product intended to excite, thrill… and sell a million copies or top the box office for X amount of weeks… but not to educate. Like any other novel or movie, BDSM fiction is made to sell and only show what sells. And the safety precautions DON’T Sell. Who wants to see Vin Diesel look at an incredible car jump in Fast and Furious #88 and hit the brakes because it’s not safe, they didn’t practice it enough or the driver has some doubt? Can you safe box office bomb? And this doesn’t apply just to impact play. It applies to all play. Bondage, wax play, sensation play, breathe play. Everything. The Dominant HAS to learn the submissives tolerances in everything to keep the submissive safe and to protect the relationship. Remember folks, Safe, Sane & Consensual. Staring at the top of the intensity scale is not safe or sane, no matter the consent. Don’t try to emulate the movies and novels. They are fantasy, not reality Vin Diesel doesn’t actually jump collapsing bridges. And you wouldn’t either. Play smart, stay safe and sane, protect your partner. © 2/11/23 Ronald Dirienzo
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Oooooh you forgot Donatien Alphonse François, Marquis de Sade, writings. Justine, Juliette; The 120 Days of Sodom; and Philosophy in the Bedroom. 1740-1814 Hard to believe what he got away with in that time period..... "So, you watched or read 50 Shades of what BDSM ISN’T about, and The Story of O, maybe read Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty Trilogy."
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Well I always designate myself low tolerance for pain I'm a real pussy who whines a lot😥 ... That's what I always tell a potential DOM during negotiations but it never seems to deter them of hooking up with me... Ha🤪
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Yes.
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Something that usually raises a flag for me us when the first questionn a person ask me when I first meet them is when they ask me if I'm a Domme or a sub. They seem to want straight to play without knowing anything about me. That conversation usually doesn't last long. Where as people who start out with me with a more casual conversation, such conversations have more probability for organic friendship evolution in which we develop a connection, and thus we see if we complement each other and under which roles. Such a relax approach doesn't always equate to success or guarantee of finding a potential play partner, but puts us on a better and more objective time position to see if there are good probabilities. But again that's just my experience.
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