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23 JAN 2358HRS Mon paradise news letter went to orthapidics appointment for 0900hrs finally left hospital at 1600hrs. saw a Dr NEWMAN, nice female german doctor, who looked at my foot and sent bme for a MRI and CAT scan on my foot there and then. i jumped all the ques as she wanted it done asap as she might be operating on foot in the afternoon !"!!!!!! 4 hours later wheeled infront of her again. sent for second mri scan as fist was blured. 1300 another scan, then sent for lunch, 1400hrs back to her office, now with her boss Mr LUGONNA. they both look at my foot then the scans then send me to get a coffee. 1530 hrs back to office, now theres them 2 and mr BROWN and his dep Mr Patel. deep conferance like im not in the room with them. OUTCOME.... continue with vac dressing as there is new skin growing. BUT... review on the 8th feb and if ts not improved dramaticly, will be going into hospital on 13 feb to have foot debrided.,,,BUT which hospital, ??? could be broomfield basildon southend or even one in london. sorry says mr brown but it could be debrided back to the bone so plan on 3 to 4 months in hospital, or it might be 2 to 3 days dependent on what we find we need to do once your on 'the slab'....ND how do you feel about not having a leg at all ?? SO this evening im not in a teribly good place....AGAIN ! so thats decision 1 i have to think about... DECISION 2.... MY kia nero i rdered back at the end of Oct 2022, has not been made yet. so much for your have it by 29 jan 2023. i have to make a decission of cancelling that order and ordering a different model, but i have no one to bounce the pros and cons off as to what i should do. like i used to have. its not about cars persay ? its about costs waiting times and up front payments . i just need some one to listen to the options im faced with . after i finally got home, realised since breakfast this morning, the last of the cauliflower soup and crusty roll. id not had anything else, as lunch at the hospital was a coffee, as its just soooo expensive to eat there. so i had a real treat, fried in sherry and blueberrys, chicken livers with red chillys and rice, id forgotten how much i nliked chicken livers, and it was a trail run as might be doing them as a starter next time i go to france., which now might be a long way off re foot. it seems to me now, that the down turn in my relationship is conected with my foot. the drugs i used to have to take to conter the pain meant i cloud feel very lttle below the waist. in facy i had very little sensations . so the brain would say, perform but the body would say, fuck off, so the brain starts making excuses for not performing, barriers start going up and before you know where you are your end up replacing desire with anything except desire. though the brain is still saying , go for it the body wont respond. so you start to look for other ways of trying to express stuff. like constantly going out to eat. or drinking. its just an excuse to try and cope with the fact that no matter how much you might want to do stuff you cant, AND THEN SUDDENLY your no longer lover<b> lovers </font></b>but more like brother and sister or just good friends. which isnt what either party wants. but you just dont know how to say it. BECAUSE real men dont talk about 'feelings' like that ! its all mixed up in the mess thats my head i would go out of my way to be an arse, not because i wanted to be an arse, but it was a deffence against trying to explain how i felt about so many things. now its like im outside my body looking down on myself saying things and doing things to be a fucking wanker not because i was a wanker but just to deflect the way i was really feeling but didnt know how to say it or appologise for not being able to say how i truely was feeling. i would say, if your happy then im happy, that was true, and still is but when id say how attractive i found some one, they would shrug that off, not being able to see what i saw. so they would think was taking the piss, which i never was. that i can see now might have not helped matters. cant you tell that this evening ive had a chat with an analist and the removal of the happy pills ove been on for the last year. suddenly im being all retrospective and things ive kept hidden slipping out? or is it because im truely frightened about the next stage of what might be happening with my foot. ? |
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