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The reality I often try to avoid this reality but after a series of events the idea has sunk into my brain and become unwaivarble. Alot if not all of my kinks involve being forced by some so in love with me that they just can't control themselves. They would kidnap me, lock me up treat me like apple of their eye. They might hurt me, something I could forgive because afterward they would caress the bruises and care for me. The person would love me so intensly that it would cause them to do bad things but at the center of the bad would be love. The relationship would be destructive and lean more towards abusive than bdsm or kinky. But for many reasons, one of which being that I don't really see any other path for myself being loved, its all I want. However the reality is no matter what I've told myself in the past a relationship like this is bad, that of course is obvious to most but denial isn't just a river. The first reality of the issue with such a tense love like this is that it might fade. The reason I want this type of love so strongly ,with all of my soul at some points, is because I believed it would allow me to breathe. There would be no question if the person I was with really loved me or not, I'd have the bruises and chains to prove it. But it wouldnt last or to say it in a way a future me would find more truthful it is possible that it wouldn't last. In the audio porns and literotica stories I throw myself into it is always an older man who suddenly becomes obsessed with a doe eyed girl with flowing locs and hazel eyes (why are the eyes so often hazel). A virgin who is timid and shy. And while most of that might apply to me right now it won't always. I will age and our society doesn't nessarily like that. And when I age all, or atleast alot, that made the obsessive love obsessive will fade, and so I will fade in their hearts. There will be other pretty naivie girls like I was and I'll end up abandonned and alone like I always feared. The other reason why a relationship like this is bad/ wouldnt work out is because for many people I never would have been doe eyed girl with flowing lovs and hazel eyes. My hair doesnt flow nor is it long, my eyes are brown not hazel. I'm not white and so I am Prissy not Scarlet O'Hare. I don't get the ballgowns and love I get slapped and ignored. I know some people get annoyed when I bring up race issues so I usually dont but I have to remind myself, there are no promises. For a good part of the day I've been imagining that I get cloroformed by a stalker and kidnapped. Everything I've wanted, right. But once I get to my new home I'm not the one he cares about. I'm not the apple of his eye. I'm a servant he might fuck if he so pleasesbut afterward I am disgarded like a used tissue. I am nothing to him. In that situation I'm trapped in a nightmare, a loveless soulcrushing nightmare with a constant reminder of the love I wanted. Anyway that's just a theory a game theory. Also I don't know if this will change what I think past today its just been echoing in my head over and over again so I thought to write it down sending it to a bunch of people might be premature but.. i don't have a but i'm just doing it i guess. sorry. |
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Well young one I would say get into therapy and find out why you are having these feelings before you act on them .
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yes i agree with the firt guy get some help please. your so young and have the whole world in front of you. so please do get help
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I believe that many of us have felt what you are feeling now and that it is not strange that you feel it too, although you yourself have realized what the answer to what you feel is, I can only tell you that you are not mistaken in your answer, but if it would be a big mistake on your part, that you lose control of that feeling and let yourself be carried away by who knows what end it could have and with what disastrous consequences for you and your future, you are a young person and you can fully enjoy , but you can not give yourself to anyone but yourself, as long as you have control of your mind over the feeling you could enjoy everything, but if your mind lets the feeling take control, get away as fast and far as you can, Greetings
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Sunny, those feelings are dark, and yes you need help, but not necessarily a councillor. YOU would be surprised how many young girls feel exactly as you do. And most of those feelings come because you/they have never experienced real life situations and relationships. They have really only experienced life through school and through the internet, and to be honest, most of that is just shit. You can't beat face to face interaction with others to realise that. I wish you were closer so that I could prove that to you in a safe way, a way in which those dark feelings begin to show themselves as a nightmare, and not a dream that you really want to live for the rest of your life. There are many out there that would love you and give their life in order for you to grow as a person and make something that you desire come to fruition. I said it in my comment about age gaps and I will say it again here, IF you ever want to chat you can message me through my blog mailbox. If you are going to do that, then I suggest you create a mailbox as well. In the mailbox, only you and I will see what you write.
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