Blog : you never forget your first two times

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6/2/2023 6:15 am

you never forget your first two times

when my last girlfriend broke up with me she said a lot of things to try and hurt my feelings. one of them was that she thought i might be gay. that didn't hurt my feelings because i had been thinking the same thing, but it was a wake up call, because i had assumed that no one could possibly know about my secret sexuality

but if there were clues that i didn't even know about giving me away then maybe it was stupid to keep pretending i could hide it. my own evidence that i was deeply closeted was starting to be overwhelming and maybe it was time for me to find out once and for all.

so one friday night i made up my mind that i was going to hook up with a guy and lose my virginity. i went down to the gay district and i promised myself that i was not going to leave until i found a guy who would take me home and have sex with me

i brought a toothbrush because i knew i might have to stay over
i wasn't going to bring a guy back to my place because the place was a mess
and that was too personal
i needed this to be safe and anonymous
even though i had accepted that i was might be gay
i was still completely closeted and couldn't take the risk my neighbors would see us together and figure me out

i parked nearby in case i needed to change my mind and run away and i walked into the first bar on the corner and immediately realized i had made a terrible mistake. because even though i had been getting better at flirting with guys online, in real life i have always been painfully shy and had never even spoken to a real person in that way. i can't even look a Man in the eye in person let alone talk or flirt with one.

i went over to the bartender and ordered a drink. then i took a look around at all the Men in the place, dancing and chatting with each other. i suddenly felt my face turning beet red and i panicked. what was i doing? i quickly finished my drink and ran out of the place.

the second i got outside and got some fresh air though i realized how stupid it was to give up so easily and so quickly. what was i so afraid of? i knew this was going to happen some day so it might as well be now. but i was also too embarrassed to go back inside after my quick exit, so i walked down the street to the next bar so i could start over fresh and i went inside.

the next club was a country western bar, so i moseyed up to the bartender and ordered a beer. but the minute i turned around to check out the clientele, the same thing happened again! two minutes later i was out on the sidewalk with another beer in me and still had not spoken a single word to a man!

when that happened again at the next bar and the next one, i finally realized this was pointless. it didn't really matter if i was gay on the inside if there was no chance of ever getting into a conversation with a Man in real life. so i gave up, got back in my car and headed home.

but as soon as i hit the road, i realized i was just being stupid and running away all over again. plus i knew i had four beers in me within half an hour so i probably shouldn't be driving anyway. i remembered there was a sketchy leather bar just a few blocks away that was kind of on my way home so i stopped there and went inside to sober up.

when i got to the door the bouncer told me it was Underwear Night. if you check your pants at the door you don't have to pay a cover and drinks are half price. i figured why not?

but once my pants and my shirt were off and safely locked away in the cloak room out of my reach, a funny thing happened. walking around the dance floor full of men in just my undies, i felt incredibly scared and vulnerable. the same fear i had felt every time i had ever been to a gay bar. fear of getting caught. fear of people thinking i might be gay.

but it was much worse here because this was no ordinary straight friendly main street club where a closeted guy could quietly hang out and pretend he was just meeting a friend for drinks after work. there were multiple big screens on every wall showing non stop video of Men just fucking. everywhere you turned was the sight and sound of naked sweaty Men in hard core fuck situations. there were no straight people coming here to unwind. every guy in this place was either a leather Daddy or a bitch and i wasn't wearing any leather. if someone i knew happened to see me here tonight, it would be the end of my reputation forever.

at the same time i also started to feel amazingly uninhibited. with my clothing locked away from me there was no way to quickly dash out of the building if i had a change of heart. whatever happened next, there was no way out and i was definitely staying until closing time and that felt frightening and liberating at the same time

i made a cautious loop through the whole bar searching for any familiar faces in the crowd. and when i found none i made another circle, more confident this time. i started to look around more curiously and began to realize that even though it was Underwear Night, most of the Men were still fully dressed. it suddenly hit me that this was just the gay version of Ladies Night. drink specials to lure in the girls so the guys would have something to lust over. only here i was the tipsy slut.

i could feel the familiar rush of embarrassment mixed with lust that had become one of the identifying marks of my submissiveness. my skin started getting hot with adrenaline and my naked nipples stood straight out.

as i looped through the crowd a third time somebody grabbed my tit out of nowhere and squeezed it hard. i was shocked and whipped around angry to see who had done that to me, but they were already gone. i suddenly understood why women hate it so much when men grab them or grope them. it wasn't fun or playful, it was rude and rough and it kind of hurt. and it wasn't sexy at all.

but then as i stood their holding my sore tit something else washed over me. a wave of lust that made me instantly light headed. i had become turned on by it!

i tried to walk away to give myself time to understand what had just happened, but now I was hyper aware of all the Men around me looking at me with lust. several slapped my ass as i went by, and each time i felt a shock of shame and discomfort, then a strange kind of pride and exillaration. i felt like a complete piece of meat but also super sexy at the same time. the Masculine attention and Manhandling was making me very uncomfortable but also extremely horny.

for the rest of the evening i got more and more comfortable with the sensation of strange Men touching and groping and pinching me. i felt a slutty kind of pride every time a Man put his hands on me, like it was some kind of compliment that he wanted to treat me like his property.

i also got more comfortable with making eye contact. i remember one man stopping me and just gazing deep into my eyes for a long long time while he gently stroked my package through the thin layer of cotton and told me his fantasies. unfortunately he turned out to be a bottom like me, so i had to move on. but being openly fondled in a crowded room in front of everyone was a whole new level of accepting my sexuality.

i started to figure out ways to make conversation with a Man. there was an outdoor area and i figured out that if a Man was smoking i could bum a cigarette and it was okay to stand next to him breathing in his scent until the cig was finished. i don't smoke so it made me feel light headed and sexy to be smoking in my underwear. i even got up the courage to ask a good looking guy to buy me a drink. but i felt bad about it afterward when he didn't seem to be interested, so i got some money from my wallet in the check room and used it to pay him back and then buy myself a few more drinks.

i was getting pretty drunk and i was hornier than ever, but i was still no closer to finding a serious sexual partner. i wanted to lose my virginity so bad i think i would have done anything a Man asked me, but there were still no takers. i even tried flirting with some guys. but even if i wasn't as shy anymore, the art of flirting was still very new to me and i obviously wasn't very good at it. all of my come on lines landed with a thud. i made a couple more laps around the bar hoping to make a connection, but other than occasional gropes there was nothing.

then i saw Him staring at me from a back corner of the bar. He was an older kind of creepy looking vibe, lurking in a shadowy alcove. but he was definitely staring right at me, staring straight into me. He was not the type of guy i would have thought i would be attracted to, but the desperation of the evening and the titillation of being half naked in a room full of men along with a lifetime of wondering and the seven or eight beers finally got to me. not to mention the raw sexuality of this intimidatingly scary looking guy staring straight into me. i knew what i had to do, but I didn't want to. i wanted to glance around and see if i had any other options at the last minute, but i couldn't take my eyes off Him. and He didn't let go of me, staring back at me with that knowing smirk.

i slowly walked across the room and straight over to him, his eyes locked on me the whole way. what was i going to do? what was i going to say? and when i finally got to Him, standing there trembling, looking up into his eyes, i still didn't know what to say, but He had me all figured out. He grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me deeper into the alcove and thru a door that led into a back washroom that looked like only the janitor ever used it

He put a hand on my shoulder and pushed me down to my knees then he unzipped his pants and took out his Cock. i didn't even hesitate. i knew exactly what i needed to do. i grabbed him by the shaft and took him in my mouth. within thirty seconds of meeting this stranger i was on my knees in a dark bathroom sucking my very first Cock.

to be honest i probably wasn't very good at it. i kept trying to deep throat it like i'd seen in porn movies and i kept hearing the gagging sounds that i only ever heard in porn coming from my own throat. i always thought that was an unattractive sounds so i didn't like it. i used both hands and tried stroking and twisting as i slobbered all over his cock. i was determined to make him cum but i didn't know if i could. it also struck me that He was an older gentleman maybe in his 50s, so in my brain i started wondering if he would even be able to cum and how long would it take.

suddenly the washroom door swung open and someone stepped inside, saw what we were doing and immediate went back out. i was in shock. i couldn't believe He didn't even lock the door! i was nearly naked on my knees sucking Cock in a filthy washroom for anyone to see. or take part for that matter! and He didn't even seem to care!

would i even know how to say no if someone else walked in and saw us and whipped out his dick and said I'm next? as desperate as i was to lose my virginity, would i have been able to resist if they saw me acting like a and decided to bend me over the sink and turn me into one right then and there? and make that be the way that i come out? because the whole bar would definitely know exactly what was going on in that back room. what if somebody told the bouncer and i got arrested? what the fuck am i doing?

all these terrors raced through my mind and in a panic i made an excuse about having a boyfriend and got up and ran out of the room. i had chickened out and was running away again!

it was a large dance floor, and i made it about halfway across before i realized i was being stupid again. i felt like such a slut, but i was also super horny and in a terrifying moment, realized that i wanted to go back! i wanted to finish sucking my first cock!

i had read articles about spit vs swallow and i had always felt very strongly that it was wrong not to let a Man finish once he had started, and wrong not to accept his seed if it pleased him to cum in your mouth. i suddenly felt incredible guilt about leaving my Man hanging after He had so generously chosen me to receive his load. so i turned around and marched right back to the washroom.

but it was too late. He was gone. i frantically looked around the bar but he was nowhere to be found. and now i was in a frenzy. i was so turned on and so desperate yet i was no closer to losing my virginity than when i started. but i was officially a cocksucker now and nothing would ever change that. and probably everyone in the whole bar knew it, so there was no turning back.

i had another drink and started shamelessly flirting with every guy in the bar. i still wasn't any good at it, but i knew i had to lose my virginity tonight. no matter what. even if it meant going home with an old creepy looking guy i wasn't even attracted to.

but i learned a funny thing about gay bars that night. even if you spend the whole night striking out with every single guy in the place, around closing time, everyone who is left in the bar starts to pair off and go home together. so as all the other people started to couple up and head out, i found myself drunkenly flirting with an attractive guy about my age who was also too drunk to do anything but let me hit on him. and when they gave last call, i asked if he wanted to take me home and fuck me and he said sure.

but when we staggered outside and i asked him where his car was parked, i learned that he didn't drive, and he meant MY home! which was a big red line for me. i had been planning all night to go to someone else's place for sex, not mine. that was too personal, someone i know might see me, and besides i hadn't cleaned! but none of my excuses mattered, because he had left me no choice, he didn't have a car and he was even drunker than i was, so i got him to my car and took him back to my apartment.

what happened after that was kind of a blur. i know we made it safely back to my place and i got him across the parking lot and into my aparment without falling in the pool. we went straight to the bedroom where i undressed both of us while i stroked and sucked his cock to get him hard enough for a condom. then i slipped it on him and bent over the edge of bed so he could enter me doggy style. i didn't have any lube but i'd fucked myself with enough objects that a cock went in easily. and that's how i lost my virginity.

unfortunately we both had so much to drink, especially him, that it turned into kind of a comedy, because he was having trouble keeping an erection, and i was just desperately trying to get him to cum. at one point he tried to reach around front and give me a reach around, and i instinctively pushed his hands away and started humping my ass harder against his cock.

when it was clear that he had completely lost his erection, i pulled off his condom and sucked him back to hardness. the taste of the lube from the condom made my mouth numb, but i didn't care. when he was hard enough again, i quickly laid back on the bed and held my legs apart so he could climb on top of me and fuck me missionary position. i didn't think about it at the time, but i guess this was my first time taking a raw cock.

it became clear that he was too drunk and exhausted to keep this up, so i rolled him off of me and onto his back so i could ride him cowgirl style. but first i had to suck him back to a full erection again, making this my first time performing ass to mouth. i didn't taste like anything particular like i thought it would. at least it didn't make my mouth numb.

over the next hour i alternately rode his cock like a little slut and sucked his cock like a little . he kept offering to let me fuck him instead but i had no interest. all i cared about was making him cum.

the significance of that didn't really hit home for me until after the fact. i had always assumed that sex was about orgasm for both parties. when i was younger and had dated girls i tried to get good at cunnilingus because i felt it was only fair that we should both have orgasms. and even though my homoerotic fantasies never involved topping, i always used them to masterbate to a climax. so i guess i assumed that at some point in the process i would be able to cum, even if it was just me jerking myself off later. but once i was in bed with an actual man in real life, i discovered that i had zero interet in my own orgasm. for me, sex is one hundred percent about pleasing a man and nothing else.

after about an hour of sexual gymnastics and employing every blow job trick i had ever seen or heard of, i was finally able to take his cum in my mouth and immediately swallowed. it wasn't as much as i thought it would be. when you're the man your orgasm feels like a fire hose going off, but for the girl it's not really about having a gusher go off in your throat. it's more about the all over good feeling of knowing that you did a good job and your man is happy as you suck down every drop and lick him clean

i also had that uniquely female experience of having your lover reach his climax and immediately pass out and fall asleep while you lie there wide awake and staring at the ceiling as horny as ever thinking about all the slutty things you just did and will probably always have to do now that he knows he can have them.

as i lay there with my head on his chest trembling in that intoxicating mix of shame and contentment, i realized that i was gay now. once and for all.


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