Blog : Karma

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7/23/2022 8:20 am

Karma

Karma at least has some irony in its ways. Hopefully others can relate to what I say and find some peace in knowing your not alone. Even though that's how I feel right now.
Born into this world I always knew I was different somehow from the other boys. I never understood it and grew up in a time where if you expressed this you would be chastised for it and possibly assaulted from it. By 9 years old I figured out I wanted more than anything to be a girl. Born a man, I didn't have the testosterone driven fighting mentality that every other man has. I was caring honest loving nurturing all the things most men can't be.
I never fit into sports nor did I want to. I was creative and loved sewing classes more than my technical shop classes. When I was 13 my parents caught me wearing mom's bathing suit and told me it wrong and never do it again. So I hid my feelings, burying them deep within my mind trying to convince myself that I had a problem with myself and needed to conform to societies approval.
When I was 15 my parents separated and my dad came out of the closet. Soon I thought I might have an outlet now to express my inner true self. Boy was I wrong. I didn't realise that within the gay community there's still some prejudice towards even the different types of LGTBQ community within it. My dad being one of them. So you an imagine my surprise when I finally worked up the courage to come out of the closet at 36, that my dad and his partner had negative things to say about it all and I should seek help.
When I told my mom that was even worse cause I told her in confidence that she would allow me to tell people (family ) at my own leisure and comfort about who I am. Unfortunately she decided to tell the whole family including my father's side making things dramatically worse for me.
So once again I shuttered myself and crawled back into the hole I had tried to dig myself out of. I sought counselling and spent a great deal of money only to find out the council was taking advantage of my wallet because she run a business and the longer I stay on and she doesn't help to stabilize my mental abilities the more revenue she gets. So after ten years I cut those ties with them.
Then I decided that I would go the route my government offers a free service for anyone going through sexual identity issues. Well only to be told there's a massive waiting list and that they are over whelmed and can't take on new patients and refered me back to a pay council service again. This did not encourage me at all.
Living in a country where you need a doctor to prescribe the appropriate hormone regiment leaves this process completely out of reach for someone like me.
I have a good paying job and this country has its flaws about the laws in place for transgendered to come out. So Basically my resort is to work in fast food or become a night cleaner so I can transition which makes all this pointless to pursue in my eyes. Not to mention the BS surrounding the process of even getting approved for HRT in Canada.
So I'm at a crossroads in my life where do I continue on the way I am or move to poverty so I can transition. This really brings up the questions of wether the government truly does want to help or just make it so difficult for someone that they give up like I have. So that the health care system doesn't have to endure the cost.
If you read this I wish you luck if you're going through something similar but at this point in my life, I don't give a rats ass about any of this anymore. I have a huge disliking towards 99 % of the people who waste the air around me now and realise that this world is more focused on the profit margin than keeping anyone's mental stability stable or being able to help.
I'll live my life in solitude and find some back woods cabin to live in off the beaten path so I don't have to look at all the human waste in the city anymore. I realise now people have thier own agendas that don't involve you or your feelings and this world can't be trusted.
So good luck I'm going to go make friends with nature because at least this way I might find a bird or deer willing to show more care than this society has.
Keep your eyes open cause the way I see this world heading down a dark path from all the lies people tell you. Everyone is selfish, I'm convinced of that now.


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