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Confusion Through high school and into college i wasn’t really sure what i was looking for. It was a long time ago, before the Internet and easy access to writing, photos and videos about D/s. i didn’t really even have a term for submissive. In my fantasies i was always “beneath” and being used by a powerful Female. i was always doing something for Her pleasure or finding myself being punished in some way for some misdeed. But in reality all of my relationships, all of my dating, were pretty straightforward. I was the boy, and she was the girl and we would date. i would be very polite, hold open doors and such, always let her go first and be as chivalrous as i could be. What i really wanted was for my date to tell me what she wanted. Instead, it was always this dance where she would pretend she didn’t want to have anything to do with anything sexual but yet would engage in it, being touching or fucking, with a passion. Perhaps my confusion explains why i dated so many different women through the last of high school and into college. i was looking for one who would Dominate me but really didn’t know that. i know i was dropping hints. i was always asking my dates what they wanted to do, if they were happy with what was going on. i’m sure a few of those dates were more than a little turned off by it all. i remember once during my junior year in high school some mutual friends (as seemed to be the case back then) informed me that a rather popular, very pretty girl named Cindy wanted to go out with me. She was a senior and had been in both the Homecoming and Prom courts so i was more than happy to oblige. The date itself was pretty nondescript. i took her to a movie which we both seemed to enjoy. Afterward i asked if she wanted to get something to eat but i must have said or done something to really change her mind about dating me in the first place because all she wanted to do was go home. So, i obliged. On Monday those same mutual friends came up to me and asked what had gone wrong and for the life of me i had no clue. All i could figure is that i had said or done something to piss her off. i never did learn what. There were others i dated who i hoped would take control, but none did. The closest any came was a girl two classes behind me named Nancy. She was pretty but not beautiful the way of her older sister (who was the Homecoming Queen in the class before mine). i sensed that she being the younger sister sort of lived in the shadow of the very successful and popular older sister. i found this to be true even with her parents. Which was a shame because Nancy was a very smart, attractive and funny girl. She had everything going for her. Maybe it was because she didn’t have to be as perfect as her sister or maybe she just didn’t care to be, but she never got involved with the types of things that had propelled her older sister to prominence in our little high school. Since Nancy had “a mind of her own” she tended to use it. But she was young and inexperienced at things (aren’t we all in high school). Still, she dictated what we did together more than the other girls i had been dating. Even when it came to fooling around. Not that it went very far but in looking back at it she never once touched my cock with her hand while i would feel and even suck on her breasts (which from her moans i concluded she enjoyed) and fingered her (likewise with the moans). Of course, D/s isn’t entirely about sex but when you’re a teenage boy it seems as though everything is entirely about sex. Nancy, though, would do things that had nothing to do with sex but exerted a sort of control over me. For example, there would be times when we would be walking through the halls before school and she would duck into a classroom to say hi to someone and tell me (not ask me) to wait. I would. There were a couple of times i was late for homeroom because she never came back out and i just stood there, like an obedient puppy, waiting for her. At the time i really didn’t know why i was waiting there in the hall. I was a senior, she was a sophomore. Yet i stood there in my confusion, waiting for her to come back out and see how well i had obeyed her command. i only wish back then i understood why i was doing it. |
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