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less then perfect.......but human. It's not a good feeling when you have to admit that you have been a complete ass, but it happens sometimes. I've been dreading this entry as I've contemplated what to write for a couple of weeks now. The task doesn't go away, but it's been nagging at me to get done. I would apologize again, but that's getting old and I'm out of excuses for my lack of correspondence. I thought it was a wonderful idea to share myself with everyone here, to express my thoughts and feelings with this blog. It was certainly freeing and the few notes that I received were inspiring, understanding and supportive. Now that I've shared my deepest secret, I'm trying to deal with the ramifications (self-perceived). I walked around for the 35 years with my secret tucked away safely in it's place. Now that I shared it, my facade has crumbled. The juxtaposition of my masculine self and my inner- is a lot to deal with. Honestly, I didn't think it would effect me this drastically. With my secret tucked away, I was confident in myself and my "image" of how I saw myself as a man. Now, it's evident, that I need to work on not only sharing but accepting. Acceptence of the part of me that has been hidden away for so long. I've already admitted to myself that I'm probably being overdramatic (is there a hyphen in that word).... I've also reorganized my priority list. I've been so used to filling up my time, taking on too many projects, trying to make a mark on the world that I've lost touch with my number one priority...that is to find a soul to share life with. The projects have all been put on the back burner (it's a very large stove) My new list of priorities is: 1. Searching out my little one 2. Working out and getting healthy 3. Working on my house and gardens 4. Painting in the studio........... that's it. I have many years ahead of me to work on all of the other things that will be sitting on the back burners. Have you ever been so involved in a project or task that you lose track of time??? I've done that for the past year. Someone recently told me "You are going through what you need to go through to get to where you need to be!".....(thank you to that person) That thought hasn't left my head and it prompted me to write. I can't go back and change the things that occurred, but I can certainly move forward to where I'm going, wherever that might be. I believe that I've been over-associating with the secret side of me since I shared it with this blog. The inner- side of me is such a small part of me that doesn't show up very often, but when it does, it's very strong. Perhaps it's my artistic imagination that has turned me into a tailspin these past few months, prompting me to make it out for more then what it is. I've felt embarrassed and a little humiliated about that 10% of myself because it just hasn't gone with the image that I've held all these years. I haven't been able to visualize standing in front of someone that actually knows about my inner- and the activities of that side. The time is right to stand up again after all this self-loathing and pity. As much as I love a party, the pity party I've had for myself isn't what I had in mind.  It's something that I had to go through.....so, once again..... I apologize for forgetting the principles that I like to live by.....A gentleman's code which includes being polite. I failed at being polite when I didn't return correspondence in a timely fashion, it's just plain rude. I smiled today after realizing that my image as a Man has actually been bolstered by my sharing.....being strong enough to share my vulnerabilities. Now, I've shared and accepted. It is nice to know that I have no secrets to hold back, no fear of rejection, and no suprises....(ok, maybe a few suprises) So, here we go..........let's see if I can actually return correspondence. I won't be offended if the few of you that wrote do not feel like writing back, I may have lost the privilage of a return letter since it's been so long. On another note, after self-analysis, I don't think I was truly over losing my entire family back in January or February when I started writing in this blog. I was rushing it and didn't give myself time to actually accept the idea that my grandmother, mother, and brother would be no more. It's a hard reality to wrap your mind around......no more weekly calls to see how everyone is doing, no more big holiday dinners, etc....... So, here we go.......as the saying goes....."Today is the first day of the rest of my life!". What a wonderful saying and so true for everyone. Smile and be happy P.S. I've been working out quite a bit and getting all kinds of Muscles (puffing out chest) Woooooo Hooooooo I'll be adding new pictures soon..
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5/3/2006 5:40 am |
*smiles softly* self analysis is a great tool.....honesty , with yourself first, is necessary...kudos to You for takin a good long hard look and moving forward.... ~~jadey~~ 
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8/25/2008 4:09 pm |
nobodys perfect,congrats to you for shareing..
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