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Emotionally stuck at the age of 4 ... I felt an itch to write, so I'm taking a break from painting the outside of the house. I've been contemplating the "little" that lurks inside of me and wondering why it seems so unappealing to woman in general. I do understand that the iconic image of "head of the household" doesn't fit well the ideologies of regression. I do hope to find someone that embraces reality. The idea of suppressing my regressive needs comes to mind frequently, but life is too short to put myself through that much turmoil. Through my research and talking with others, I've accepted the idea that one's mindset towards relationships gets stuck at the age you were first abused. I was physically and sexually abused from the age of 4. The physical abuse (just a politically correct term for being severely beaten) stopped at the age of 14 because I had a growth spurt and could defend myself. I have always thought that my life resembled something you would see on the "lifetime channel". I was made to stay in the potato cellar when I really pissed off my step-father, which I believe is the root of my dislike for the dark and cramped spaces. Baseball bats, sticks, or just a clenched fist were implements of his choice. I've very shy when it comes to discussing sexual matters...I blush at the mention of female anatomy...and I'm generally not the one to initiate sexual advances until I've formed a LTR with someone. I can conceal all of these idiosyncrasies behind the title of gentleman. I'm not your stereo-typical man that thrives on sexual conquest. I love to express my sexual desires as much as the next, but my life and relationship goals are not focused on it. What's wrong with admitting that one enjoys a mothering touch? Most woman already offer this in someway to their spouses whether or not it's labeled "mothering". Does the action become more or less significant because we have changed the mindset of the activity? Does the awareness of mothering, make it any less comforting to the giver or receiver? My masculinity bubbles over much of the time and I often think that I compensate my actions on the outside because my mind knows about the inside. The regression was formulated as a coping mechanism when I was younger, to escape the reality that I was in. It can be very healing to fall back into the mindset of being innocent and nurtured. The guilt doesn't arrive until after a short experience with the "little" running around. It's very difficult for me to rationalize my behaviors even though I know it's mapped into my brain through no fault of my own. When I'm depressed about the situation, I try to remind myself that other people had it worse then I did and I'm a survivor. Not one soul would be able to look across the ballroom floor and guess that the decent looking guy in a tuxedo owns two pairs of footy jammies... That's it for now.... I'm back to my chores, but will continue with these thoughts later... |
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You are quite welcome and thank you for the encouraging words.
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1/4/2007 10:38 pm |
(smiles) Knowing where I come from and the long ago children who have become my life long friends, between us I have lived or re-lived through them many unspeakable things. Yet as I sit and read your blogs, I shake my head and brush away a tear. So sad finding yet again something that was once my hidden shame was experienced by many, instead of something that only happened to the very few. Of course these are things I already knew in my mind but it still somehow takes my breath away just the same. As far as wanting to be loved, cuddled and cared for, I would say is far better than passing down the bad you have learned. May your journey bring you peace and happiness. I do hope you find what you are looking for. It is very heart warming to hear of and know people do overcome, and learn from where they have been.(crys for the ones that have not)
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1/6/2007 3:05 pm |
I ENJOYED YOUR TOUCHING AND YET PERSONAL VIEWS BUT OLY WE CAN SEE THROUGH OR OWN EYES NOONE ELSE AND YOUR GENIUNE .ONLY WE KNOW WHAT WE WANT AND ONLY WE MAKE OUR CHOICES.SO GOOD LUCK AND YOU WILL FIND YOUR LITTLE ANGEL SHES OUT THERE AND IN TIME YOU WILL FIND HER. GOOD LUCK DADDYS LULLABY
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1/26/2007 6:19 pm |
I don't think the "little" inside of you is unappealing. I think you were just dealing with the wrong person. There's not a genuine woman out there, little/sub/domme or otherwise, that doesn't understand inside each and every man out there there is a "little" lurking, even if they are not able to see it. "The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys"  and the same can be said of women too, just so you know I am not male-bashing. As for the mothering and comforting touch/presence...who doesn't want that?  Best of luck in your search, I think you will make your very lucky angel o  one fantastic D/Daddy.K.
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