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Just a note No, I'm not dead. I sometimes feel 1/2 way there, but I'm still kicking. I can honestly say that I have been horrible about keeping up with blogs, groups, and emails. Sorry peeps. My bad. It really has been a mess around here(I mean me) though. Hmmm the last couple of months have been.......stressful. C'mon, take a walk in my shoes with me for a while. Let's catch up a bit. My house got broken into for the 4th time in a year. My poor had his 4th video game system stolen. He busted his ass all summer earning the money for it and it's gone. ALong with that my rosary, my deceased ex's belongings(his rosary too), my mothers engagement ring and almost all of my other jewlry. Lockets with pictures that are irreplacable. My watch that was the only gift the dickhead ever bought me. Sometimes, I hate people, I really do. If you know me off the blogs, then you know that I have been house hunting for about 4 years. WEll, I finally found one that I not only like, but also one that I can almost afford. A good bit of my summer and fall have revolved around that. The stress was getting to me bad. It still is I suppose. I have little faith in commitments and contracts that I don't control. Sounds shitty, but it's true. I have no problem being responsible, committed, or paying my bills, but I still don't like the thought of owing total strangers for my place of refuge. My home. The place where I go to leave the rest of the world behind and find my peace. I let my ex and his move in with me this spring, when they had no place else to go. It was a hard decision, but I can't turn my back on someone I once cared for. Especially when there's a involved. It was supposed to be temporary, but it's looking awfully cozy around here. I don't know what I was thinking. I still want to choke the of a Bitch on GP. He helps with the bills and around the house, but that mouth and selfishness.....ggrrrrrrrr. My computer is still iffy at best. What ever virus (or worm or whatever the hell I had) has totally wrecked parts of my hard drive. Getting online or anywhere in my computer is a nightmare. I know I need to scrub everything and reinstall my OS, but I just don't have the heart to do it. I have 2 years of my life and journey stored on there, along with a record of some relationships that are no more. Maybe in time, my impatience will win out over my sentimentality and stubbornness, but for now, it's iffy IM and random access to the net. What else........ My step father passed away a month or so ago. My mom has been having a hard time and I am doing my best to be there for her as much as I can. I didn't realize until I visited her in April, how very fearful she was of loosing not only her man, but also my grandmother who is in pretty bad shape. I hate not being able to see my mom and check on her in person. We are so in tune with each other that it is almost eerie, but so much is missed (and able to be hidden) when you are far apart. The distance doesn't really keep us from reaching out to each other, but it does make it less frequent and never at the time it's needed most. My heart hurts deeply for her. She is truly one of the best people I know. About 2 months ago, my eardrum ruptured in 3 places. I am now almost completely deaf in my left ear. This to me, is almost more than I can bear. I love music and the sounds of the world around me. I always have. I love listening to the voices of the ones I love. To rain and laughter. To songs that touch me and birds singing. To the crackle of leaves on the sidewalk and the hush of new fallen snow. I can not longer tell a gasp from a sigh. I have always relied on my listening skills more than any other sense. I have worn glasses all my life, so vision went out the window decades ago. Unless someone is on my right side, or standing right in front of me, I can't hear when I am being spoken to. Background noise of any kind makes even the most simple words distorted and fuzzy unless I am wearing headphones. I can read lips fairly well and always could, but it is not the same. To say that I am devastated would be a gross understatement. I wish I could take heart in the fact that I can still hear at all, but all I can think at times, is how much I'm missing. And how much worse it's going to get. High powered antibiotics (4th round) should help with the healing and I am hoping against all odds that some of my hearing will return despite the scar tissue. Right now.....that's all I got. Hope. Hope that I can at least be partially the me I know again someday. On a positive note, I did get to hook up with the person I had been lusting most for about a year. That was way cool. Never underestimate the power of human touch. Throw in some lovin and it don't get much better than that. They're gone now, but the memory still lingers sweet on my tongue and in my heart. I guess it's not so bad after all, is it?  Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character. At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached. May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black. ~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~ |
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Thanks guys  Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character. At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached. May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black. ~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~
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you can always get to me I am there for you Miss Chris
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