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The punishment and the paranoia! Ok so yesterday my dodgy old ways took over again, I have been getting to know a new Dom and in all honesty it's been heaven . It's put a spring back in my step and a smile back on my face life seems good again and in such a short time too. But he was away this weekend on a stag do things all seemed quiet and I suddenly felt very on edge is he going to do the same as all the others and just disappear no explanation never talk again. I panicked and I got very paranoid it was eating me I was checking my phone every minute well seconds at some point all night too, why am I like this why do I get so so bad when I'm left ,will this side of me ever heal. I fought and fought not too message him but well I did straight in for the kill I know I had no right to my mind was telling me you've fucked it now he will run , why wouldn't he, when I'm like this tho I just need reigning in a dressing down anything it's what makes me feel safe. Then he shocked me he messaged he was cross and I was in trouble I had to smack my cunt 20 times sit in the corner for half an hour in time out and think about my actions. He wanted to hear no more about it until he returned and could deal with me properly. The adrenaline as I sat there my cunt smarting from the sting of the strap I felt so sorry yet so content finally someone got me he got what the strops where all about but he was disappointed I hate that, I hate that I made him cross but most of all I hate I disappointed him. I should have also dressed and made my eyes up in the smokey eye shadow look this I failed it's not something I've ever done and years of not being allowed to wear make up suddenly has made something so simple quite traumatic he doesn't know this and in reality in my head I know how pathetic it must sound a girl that doesn't know how to apply eye shadow, my 12 year old can do it , so I sat looking online at a tutorial just past midnight and bam the worst thing happened I fell asleep. There was no make up and no photo as he had requested , I had let him down and he'd already messaged . I felt bad again empty almost .The first time he requested something and I blew it. I had to video myself slapping my face five times I detest cameras let alone videos I felt useless it was rubbish, he was getting crosser and the fear was there taking my breath away , my biggest addiction, I tried again I sent it but it had stopped recording he just had my face for me the worst part. I did it again my cheek stinging do you know hard it is to get your brain to allow you to swing a slap when you know it's going to hurt lol. Give it a try right now . He praised me for this one but he was still angry, I tried to do the make up for him but it really didn't come out how he wanted so I guess I will be glued to practise on this for a while. There are many lessons in all this but the biggest is don't judge people on previous pain and always always be careful what you wish for. Sare X   Go on make my day........................Bite me!! |
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