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my story so many question always need answering don't they. how, when, what, why, do any of us really know, was we born that way or did lifes plan change us well here goes this is my story some bleak some i loved but i figured sometimes well the first time in my life its best not too hide things i can finally release those skeletons the parts of me i hate so much see they've made me feel worthless for too many years now, You see despite my giggles i am in my mind damaged goods and by this i mean as i'm sure many of you will relate too i was abused in my childhood, It was a freind of my brothers and also very well respected in the family, i was 10 when it started and things happened repeatedely on a daily bases a little touch here a word there n so on until it grew into something so terrifying that i'd dread coming home, see at that age we don't really understand too much only respect our elders as our parents taught us too, i guess thats why i found so much releif in horses they never judged n never turned you away, i spent hours and hours just talking too them n hugging them burying my head into there neck so tight, just too feel that glimpse of hope n that moment of safeness, i often wonder if my dad had of been about more i might not have gone through so much, but he worked away alot always there in the background n occasionly on the phone but it was tricky, i guess thats why i ended up in the house alone so often my mum would just pop here just nip there you know how it is and after all she was'nt leaving me alone Dan was there waiting for my brother to come back from work.... Maybe i should of begged her not to leave him there with me but i was frightened, he made sure of that the second she went, into my room he would come well to be honest any room. i can still feel him forcing my body against that door or up against the wall his hands everywhere taking what he wanted or want he needed, pushing my hand down n holding it on himself play with it he would cry or push my head down, that feeling of utter hate feeling so sick not wanting too do it feeling so strange n so dirty, but i guess i was lucky in some ways in the three years this went on for he only penetrated me twice. god this is so strange ive never spoken in this way too anyone or anything, yet here i am pouring my heart out on a computer and its like i can't stop its been inside so long, after the first year it started to afect my sleep by which i mean insomnia too the max i was frightened of everything, every noise n the dark terrified me, just take its hold n id lay there frozen heart racing convinced he was there in the shadows waiting to pounce, it was like i could'nt breathe, but do u know the worst part of it all, he would do these things he wanted and as i fell to the floor crying or sat on the bed so subdued he would smile put £2 on the side n say get your self a sweet, trust me that feeling of utter cheapness is worst than anything anyone can do or make you do and even now it makes me so angry, when i see him walking around now i have to fight myself not too drive my car straight at him or leap out n scream at him it affected everything, and most of all when my mum was finally told it broke her heart, she just kept crying and asking me why did'nt i talk to her why why why i guess she will never understand, she had him beaten up i guess in her mind he needed to pay and i would'nt go too caught, but the really strange part of it was when i heard he had been beaten to the ground i felt so bad so guilty it must have been my fault must'nt it.....oh hell how that part goes round n round my head feeling the cheapness feeling the blame, Well at 14 i was more into the horses than ever but my local stables went bankrupt n closed down this broke my heart my loan pony was sold n slowly one by one all my freinds left, there it was my release from the hell in my mind was gone crazy but i still used too go up there everynight after school, there where only 2 horses left there out of the fifty once happily stabled there n an old dealer that squated on the land, and n ancient pony that remained on livery, weeks passed and then one afternoon as i was strolling up the yard i spotted a van at the top, i just foze this was finally it i'd be stopped now no longer able too just escape the house and those tearful memories, i stood there for a while not knowing weather to walk up or run it was strange. eventually i talked myself into going up you see i was terrified of strangers new people ect i trusted no one now, do you ever giggle too your self later and think what was all the fuss about, well i certainly did the new couple there where lovely so freindly warm and welcoming, i explained a bit of why had stayed n offered them a hand clearing n cleaning up around the yard mad really the time just flew i was there till 10pm, I relly can't explain what happened from then on but there was something about the guy something about the way he spoke, i wanted to hang onto his every word and obey his every request and when he was happy with the task then well the feeling inside was undesribeable i guess this is when my sub ways where really awoken, months went on and i had started riding for them, they where dealers and i'd get on anything that came in the gates, exercises competing showing ect ect and i spent more and more time there in a bid to completely wipe out the past, Then i guess one day everything just got on top and when they guy told me off for something really daft i just broke down, guess this shocked him more than it did me and he sat me down and well just listened, for that moment i felt so safe and somehow strangely so alive, after that it was like something changed between us, something just clicked, i yearned to please him more than life itself, the tellings off went on too spanking and so it began, he then bought a stallion and things changed more and more, if i wanted to break this stallion with him i must obey everything and stay behind to work with him when everyone else had gone home, be sencible at all times and never ride it with the other girls never play about ect ect, well i guess will be at times i knew he was working and his wife was out, and the girls longed too see this amazing pony in action, so something inside just took over i told them too put the jumps out and i tacked him up, was in fell show off mode riding around with sheer pride i'd put so much work into this special little , then as i landed one of the fences i saw him out the corner of my eye, he was back early one minute he was standing there the next he was running up the drive, i can still see the rage in his face, the fear raced through me my whole body shaking i begged the girls too go .... anywhere just don't stay but they did'nt want too leave me too take the blame, i heard him shouting before he even got to the gate. i stood the pony still tears in my eyes trying too keep my hands steady. His face was so stern so red as he shouted n pointed too the side of his head telling me how bad i was and what an idiot i was tears ran down my face the girls tried to leave but he forced them too stay, you wanna watch your fucking watch he bellowed, up the fence went higher and higher i felt sick but i just had too keep coming round over n over the fence, then he took away my stirrups n told me to drop the reins 3 strides before the fence, i new i could'nt stay on bored at this height and so did he but i dare not argue, sure enough the pony lept this huge fence and i came off it hurt like hell not just in pain but pride too but the worst feeling of all was knowing i'd disapointed him, Get up he screamed' he yanked me too my feet hard 'do it again, i begged him not too make me but the look he gave me i knew i was on a losing battle i must obey, sure enough i came of again, he yelled for me too get the pony cooled off n untacked and too be in the barn in 10 minutes.......well i'l just say thats when it all really changed its also when i realised what a whip really was. 'and so the adventure began!...................x   Go on make my day........................Bite me!! |
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8/1/2007 9:52 am |
Do you still ride? esteemly DA
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8/2/2007 6:50 am |
So many riders end up with such an injury problem. I have fond memories of mucking out the stables for a summer for a friends mother who was very ill some years ago. She dinned out for years on the story of my one and only riding lesson on her head strong thoroughbred. esteemly DA x
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8/12/2007 12:26 pm |
hello Sare Thankyou for sharing your story with us .I think its a sad fact that animals happen to be one of the few things in life that can be relied upon to reflect the love that is given to them.If only humans treated eachother with the same respect .Enjoy yours horse's and good luck with humans xxx.
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I miss having a small ranch and horses. Used to love grooming the horses, brushing and pick cleaning hooves. Used to ride an Army saddle. Never very accomplished, but I appreciate Dressage very much. "One Big Sky Covers Us All Equally"
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Reading this again, have to say you have had contact with some cruel bastards. "One Big Sky Covers Us All Equally"
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Hopefully you won't allow your past experiences to shape your future, difficult though it might be. ------------- I can be reached only via my blog pages: Private mail box for messages Private chatroom restricted to girls only: Private room for sub girls
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