Blog : One Person's Views on Some Aspects of D/s and BDSM

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6/5/2009 5:55 am

One Person's Views on Some Aspects of D/s and BDSM

One Person's Views on Some Aspects of D/s and BDSM

We all have our views, and with experience and knowledge have defined what D/s and BDSM means for each of us. These comments are about how I view it, respecting that others experiences and views may differ.

Dominance and submission: the shaping of the submissive by the hand of the Dominant - sometimes bending, but never breaking. "He holds her destiny in the palm of His hand" is a phrase I developed to capture the essence of the relationship.

Consent: Implicit or explicit? For some it is implicit, for me it is explicit. The relationship between the Dom and sub must be such that any and all things can and will be discussed or shared, in an open and safe manner.

Does the Dom cajole his submissive? I would expect the Dom to support the submissive in her efforts to grow, recognizing that one does not grow in all ways at once. Does the Dom really know that her 'true boundary is a little further', or does he believe his position affords him the right to be able to test a limit by pushing a bit harder beyond? The Dom may desire to push harder to test the limit, however it is the sub who chooses to allow that limit to be moved. Limits like everything else are only given up, by the sub, never taken by the Dom. Otherwise, she and each limit becomes a conquest, a challenge of sorts for the Dom. I see the role of the Dom being one of nurturing and creating the right kind of environment that enables her to allow her submissiveness to fully emerge, quite often described as the opening of a blossom -- one does not force or "push" a flower to bloom.

Trust - the cornerstone. One does not really have to discuss trust to any great extent, (in my humble opinion), for it is the product of the what and how undertaken by the couple. Their actions and deeds either increase it or diminish it. It either exists or it doesn't. The depth of the trust is measured by the willingness of each to move to a different level. It is the last thing to come, and the first thing to go, and while it is the cornerstone, it is also the most fragile element of the relationship.

Discipline - a motivator? Behaviours are discovered, learned, and shaped. They cover such a broad spectrum, from the rituals of greeting to the intricacies of play. Are they truly explicitly agreed upon or are they more a learning, understanding, acceptance or shaping through positive reinforcement moreso than discipline? I believe they evolve as one desires to please the other. Behaviours are shaped by one's thoughts and actions. If the sub is right-minded, they are easily managed. It is the attitutde and mindset of the submissive the Dom must "discipline" to see a change. But then again, change is what the submissive may offer up, rather than be taken by the Dom. Does severe punishment (and I don't mean play) bring about behaviourial change? Highly unlikely, I see it only as a means to manage a specific situation. It is not long lasting. True behaviourial change occurs from the heart and mind of the submissive, can a Dom truly "discipline" the heart, mind and will of the submissive through a physical act? My experience has been that there is very little need to discipline. Now "discipline" as a form of play, is something altogether different. It is not uncommon for a submissive to be responding to a Dom in a way that the Dom sees the only means of modifying the response is through a spanking. Long-lasting change comes from the desire of the submissive to please. The question then becomes how then does the Dom motivate his submissive to 'change'?

On Decision-making: As to discussions and decision-making, through discussion and the building of trust and through consistent actions by the Dom, the sub begins to give up more and more decision-making to the Dom. It is her way of giving up control and authority over her and aspects of her life to him. There will be times when she may not totally trust the Dom, but will in her own way test the Dom, by accepting his decision, provided she sees the consequences of the decision maintaining her safety.

Physical Submission or Submission of the Mind (and will): With every topic there are two contexts within which to view them within this lifestyle: the physical vs the intellectual. While linked by being part of the submissive's whole being, I see approaches can differ significantly depending upon which domain one favours. I see intellectual submission and the giving up of control and authority to one's Dom as something very different to physical submission. I tend to think of submission of the mind moreso than submission of the body, for in submission of the mind, comes total submission.

The Essence of the D/s Relationship: To me, the essence of D/s is love -- without it, it is role play or kink. I've heard it said, that "D/s is who we are, bdsm is what we do" (or may choose to do). D/s can exist without the toys and kinks. The activities and toys a Dom and sub choose to share and experience are only those which interest them and will continue to build the relationship. To me, D/s is of the mind -- it is the dynamic, the chemistry between two people -- a means through which they choose to interact. It exists either separate and apart from physical dominance/submission, or with the physical aspects present.

Individual's Responsibility: Doms/subs are humans first and therefore not perfect. Each has the responsibility to help the other grow. Open and respectful communication is easy in a trusting relationship provided there is commonality of purpose and intent. I desire to help and support my Dom to be all he can and desires to be, much like the help and support he would give me. Each desires to grow, each desires to be all they can for the other. While sometimes our humanity interferes, it is reality. Perfection is an ideal. A healthy, open and growing relationship requires healthy, open and growing individuals. If one chooses to stop growing as an individual, the gap that occurs between the two, places the relationship at risk until it reaches the point where the chasm is too big for either to cross, and the relationship is lost.

BDSM Interests: My bdsm interests are broad and can also be quite limited in comparison to some. I find they are shaped by the dynamic that exists between my partner and I. What I am willing to try is based upon the level of trust I have in my partner. It is far easier for me to express what I don't like or am not interested in experiencing than what I do. Over time, each new experience will be gauged from the pleasure it provides either to my Dom or to me. My philosophy is that living (and D/s) is about learning what we don't want. BDSM checklists are useful to compare possible shared interests, but in the end, the form of BDSM play two people engage in varies with the type and form of relationship and the dynamic it creates.

Thank you for taking the time to read my views.
Thankfully we are all individuals and with that, may hold different views and have acquired varying insights from our own experiences.

tasina
© June 2009

"like the seas, her depth and power will only be known by He who inspires her into submission”


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