Blog : what trips my switch

76 posts
2/26/2012 4:54 pm

what trips my switch

I suffer from a very strange kind of shyness. It is hard for me to voice (with my voice!) desires or needs. It is kinda strange to me since I am very good at talking and explaining things, but when it comes to what I actually want, for some reason my mind freaks out. This is one reason I really like the internet -- for some reason a keyboard is so much easier. I think it gives me the chance to look at what I have "said" before it is actually said. A chance to redesign the grammar or thought into a more accurate statement.

This even happens when I get a massage or something. I will be there, thinking "man this hurts, I wish she would not hit that spot again" but instead of saying it, wait until the 3rd or 4th time, then maybe say "could you lighten up a little?" I know it is ridiculous, I even am thinking that as I am not saying something. I will have a minor argument with myself about the fact that "it is hard to get what you want since people aren't mind readers."

I guess for me, this is one reason safe words and hard limits are important. It is really easy for me to go into subspace (at times) and have had it happen when i didn't think i was scening (man that was intense though .. and really really pleasurable .. more about that later). It is very easy to not recognize something going wrong until later, which is why I have to really trust someone before I play.

Ok .. so more about that scene .. since my mind is now going that way! It was at a scene function many years ago .. I was "with" a Domme who was a best friend and "protecting" me since my boyfriend wasn't going with me. I was in the cutest dress (I wish I still had it!) that was basically a black babydoll with some padding in the breasts and some killer heels. (Ok, I like shoes!) I had no intention of playing and hadn't even asked my boyfriend/Dom if I could play. There were a couple people there who I had been very interested in for quite a while. A guy (who I still will occasionally play with and is my absolute most trustworthy person -- although I didn't know it at the time) and this Domme who had what I termed "the Caboodle of Doom." (Remember the Caboodle? a tackle box in pretty colors to keep makeup in?)

Anyways, I was fascinated with her .. kinda like fire or a sharp knife. She loved pointy things and I didn't (still don't completely) but it was flirting with danger. These two people knew each other very well and I guess they knew that I was like a moth to a flame with them. They both alternated flirting with me ...she started with light touching .. nothing even dramatically sexual .. just fingers across shoulders and tops of breasts ..and her voice, the true tool of a Dom .. gentle, seductive, and demanding .. and after about 20 minutes or so .. I was gone .. total subspace .. total submission .. absolutely no sense of care for myself .. just this intense desire to keep being touched and make her happy. It didn't matter that we hadn't talked about play, or limits, or anything. I was just a puddle of subbie draped over her .. letting her hands and lips do whatever they wanted.

Luckily (I think, and probably very true) the guy noticed this and came and stopped her before she brought out her "instruments of doom" and got my friend to know what was going on. It took forever for me to come out of subspace, and I was very happy that I was safe and that I had people that looked out for me ... but now I know that I am not always a good judge of things, particularly when faced with the intensity of a good Dom(me). I also figured out that I was probably bi .. at least I definitely can enjoy playing with women at times.

Well, this certainly went into tangent land, but I'll still post!


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