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How I was broken before I even had a chance. Strap in ladies and gentleman, this is going to be a long one. A little pre amble before I get into the meat of the issue. I have always known I was different, its hard to explain but Ive always reacted to situations differently than other people. I have always had the questions, why did you do that or, why did you say that? Also I know I socially awkward and I have a hard time retaining freinds, as I like to, and have to spend a fair amount of time by myself. I am a stoic person and I have always taken things in my stride, so this really never bothered me too much. As I have said, Ive always known I was weird, and most of the k1ds didnt want to spend time with me. The only time they did want me around was when they played football, and that was only because I was the only k1d willing to play in goal and dive for the ball on the tarmac playground. I was ok with this as I knew i wasnt popular in the slightest and only really had a couple of freinds. With that little bit out of the way, one last thing, when I say Ive always know I was different, I mean since I was in primary school, mabey 9-10 yrs. These are a couple of incidents that happened in the last term of year 6 in primary school, just before leaving for secondary school. 1. The first incident happened around about Easter time. Hormones were just starting to kick in and the oposite sex wasnt looking so icky anymore. Being the early 90s as long as there was nothing that required the removal of clothes, most of the games were just thought of as harmless fun by the adults (as it should be, Im not comlpaining about this in the slightest). So a game of kiss chase was organised and the whole of the class plus extras from other classes participated (about 50 k1ds). The aim of the game was for the girls to catch the boys by kissing them, once kissed the boys had to sit on a set of benches untill all the boys were caught. The boys could be released if an un kissed boy went over and tagged them back in. This went on for about 10 mins untill the girls called a halt and complained they would never win and get a chance to swap hunter and hunted. The reason for this is because none of the girls wanted to kiss me and I could just WALK up to the benches and free the boy easily, this I did 3 times before the girls called a truce. I remeber clearly being called over to a group of k1ds and being told by the boys that I had been banned from playing kiss chase, because if I wasnt then all the girls would stop playing as none of them wanted to kiss me. I said ok, partly so I wouldnt be seen as the one ruining everyone elses good time. But the main thing that convinced me was the looks of anger, hate and disgust that the girls in that group had on their faces. I knew they would never want too play if I was still playing and if I didnt acquiesce to their request, I would have been ostracized not only by the girls but also the boys. 2. The second incident happend a few months after, towards the end of the school year. The weather was glorious and the whole school was out in the playing feild at lunch times. Some of the k1ds had started to play spin the bottle for kisses. One day one of my few freinds was sitting with them, so I thought this was my chance, so I sat down in the circle. Nothing was said at first so I thought I was ok to be joining in. The bottle went round a few times no where near me, then it fell on a girl then me. She looked me dead in the eye and point blank refused to kiss me, I just shrugged and the game carried on. After a couple more spins it lands on me first and then its spun to point at a girl. Before I can even move she screams as though her life is in danger, and the look on her face is one of pure fear. I swear she could not have looked more scared if a lion had jumped out infront of her. In fact Im sure at that moment she would rather have put her head in a lions mouth, than be kissed by me. The only other time I have seen a woman look and scream like that is in a horror movie just before she is brutally murdered. This hit me like a knife through my heart and I had to get up and get out of there before I started to cry my eyes out. Even as I was getting up and turning around she was trying to back away still with the look of mortal dread on her face. Her reaction to the thought of being kissed by me has stayed with me even now 30 years later, and still has a deep affect on my psyche. After this I have very little to do with any of them as it is only a few weeks till the end of school and the we would all be moving on to secondary school and I would never see any of them again. The secondry school I went to was an all boys school and they handfull of that were in my primary school were the opposite end of the year from me. The school had 8 classes per year, 4 did German language and 4 did French. All the k1ds from my primary school did German (classes A-D), and I was the only one from my primary to do French (classes W-Z, and I was in Z). This ment that I never had any lessons with anyone that I had known before and I felt even more alone. 3. At the end of the first year our class (Z) went on a feild trip to a swimming pool. Now I was very good at swimming a loved to see how far I could swim under water. My record was just over 60 meters without surfacing (but I was a few years older when I did that). So I was just doing what I do and swimming underwater not bothering anybody, but the pool wasnt deserted, especially with a class of 30+ k1ds. Later I was confronted by a class mate who accused me of grabbing his dick while I was swimming under water. I denied it of corse as I had not done anything of the sort. But he was addiment, and for the next year and a bit he bullied me about being gay and grabbing him in the swimming pool. Now this being the 90s, being gay still wasnt tolerated in the open as much as it is now. And that is tripply so for the boys in my school. Being an all boys school and with the social pressure of not wanting anything to be thought of as gay. Ment that everyone was constantly on the look out for signs to call someone up on, lest you be called out yourself for a slip of the toung. Now me being me it didnt really bother me. I had always grown up with the phrase : Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. So the words didnt mean anything, apart from after a while I started to think : Mabey they do see somthing in me that I dont see in myself yet as I try and navigate school. At this point I thought of myself as straight, but my slip into bi-sexuality is a story for another day. This bullying went on for over a year, untill my little brother, who was still in primary school started to get bullied for me being gay. I know like I said different times. My mother brought this up with my school and a meeting was held with my bullies, me and the head of year. Its funny that they knew exactly who my bullies were when my mother brought the aligations, yet nothing had been done to stop them up untill that point. So the bullying stopped at that point, near the end of year 3 ( year 9 for those who will never get propper A levels). But the damage was already done, not only socially but mentally aswell. So being as there were no girls around, and anything like talking about feelings or past hurts would be looked at as gay, I was left in a situation where I was alone with only my own thoughts and reasoning to try and come to terms with everything. Long story short, I came to the conclusion that yes I am a hidious monster that no one wants to be around and no one will ever find atractive, let alone want to be in a relationship with. It wasnt untill a couple of my mates got girlfreinds in the upper 6th form that I had any interaction with girls. So that was from 11 - about 17 with no girls around and no one to talk too and get a second opinion. By this point my mind was pretty much set on being alone for the rest of my life, so much so that I didnt even bother trying to diswade myself of the notion or ask for the second opinion. Then I went to Uni where I was socializing with females for the first time, so all the cringe teenage behavious had to be ironed out pretty quick and again I didnt look like a good pick, no better than the 15 yr 0lds they had left behind in secondary school. In all the 2 years I was there I only ever had one woman ask me out / pull me. And I have written that story down a few years ago, see below. When I left uni I was feeliing a bit down because of the 1 and only woman, but I had a glimmer of hope in that she had actually wanted me, even if she was blind drunk. So I started goiing to the local pub with my other brothers mates and hanging out with them. I would sometimes see mates from secondary school in the pub and chat and drink with them aswell. And again not a single woman, whether it was an 18 yro who was looking for a guy in his mid 20s, or a cougar looking for fresh meat, I never got aproched or asked out by anyone. By 26 I had had enough of going out and having my fears confirmed over and over again. Meeing women that looked like they liked me and would want to spend time with me, only to find out after a few months that they have hooked up with a guy. I know they got tired of waiting for me to make the first move and moved on with their lives, and I dont begrude them one bit. I know what I was like, and still am, and that is that making the first move is a fearfull to me as the thought of being kissed by me was to the girl playing spin the bottle in primary school. I know its all in my head and that 90% of the women I would have asked, would probally have said yes if I had asked. But I still dont belive that anyone finds me atractive or wants to be with me. And the one thing that I cant shake and still keeps this impression of myself clear and strong in my head is very simple: I have asked many different women and have heard it said by women more and more. I have asked: Have they ever asked a guy out that they have liked. And the answer I always receive is a hearty Yes. And yet, no woman has ever asked me out! And the few women I have summoned the courage to ask out have always replyed with the same answer: I would but... fill in with either I have just broken up my boyfreind, or I have just got with a guy. And the funny thing is that within a few weeks they will have a new guy hanging off their arm. Just to rub it in that bit more. And the one and only woman who paid me any attention was blind drunk and taking pity on me. So this is where I have been for the ast 15 years, with the only ray of hope was that I did get a girlfreind in my early 30s. It was a double date set up by a freind and his at the time girlfreind shortly after the work xmas do. I had met his g/f and she set the whole this u with one of her freinds. I only really went as one last ditch attempt to try and see if I was worthy. Long and the short of it she broke up with me just before 2 years was up and has never spoken to me again. I dont go out and I dont really have any freinds ( I know sad), so I am just stuck in this perpetual loop of lonleyness with no end in sight. The really painfull thing about this is that I have very little trust in people when they coment on my looks, except in the negative, then I whole heartedly agree with them. Esecially women, which is made worse by the one person I sort of confided with in confidence, told some of my freinds about it less than a week later and she completly rocked me. So much so that I cut all ties with her imediatly and cant stand to spend any time around her, even though she is one of my brothers best freinds and was a good freind to me up untill that point. I have never liked sympathy as I see it as pity, and I dont want to pity anyone and neither do I want to be pittied. I am a person who likes empathy, because empathy is understanding the other persons exsistance, where as sympathy is pitying the other persons exsistance. This is the reason that one night stands have never interested me, because of my mental situation I see it as a pity fuck, and I dont want pity. Thank you for sitting through this, I know it has been a long one. I have never told anybody about the 1,2 and 3 and I dont know if this has done me any good to get it out in the open finally. If only on my crappy blog on Alt. Thanks again and sorry for any spelling and grammer mistakes. |
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9/2/2022 5:51 am |
Lets hope Alt is ok with this. I would love any comments. Thanks
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Having lived in England as well as other places, where did you get the impression that it is up to the girl to make the first move? Sure there are games of such, in secondary school, and even you pointed out, you had some interested, but you failed to make the first move. Mate when you don't do that, they think you are queer. You are telling them, you do not like them. They want you to make the first move. Being an ugly duckling early on happens to many. It is ones actions that matter, way more than your looks.
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Hi. Yes, this was a long write up a bit difficult to read as it was really heavy and sad in content ...and I'm sadly to say that as such, I wouldn't expect many responses if I were you. That said, I will say that likeithot19 has a very good point. And I understand it because I was an awkward kid like you back then, and even today, sometimes I still feel that way. I still feel like the oddball at work, among my friends, and even with some in my family. Yes, back then and today, children and teens could be really, really cruel due to ignorance. It was true then, and that is a truth now. But today, we're adults, and if we are to mingle in society, we have to take responsibility for what we do and how we behave because no one will take it for us at this point. Sadly, whether you want to believe it is fair or not, it is what is expected of us. The alternative is easier to choose for our type of introverted personalities... continue our brooding and feel at ease with not mingle and drift farther and farther apart from society ...and we can fall in that trap very easily with today's technology if we're not careful. But you do not want to fall in that trap (consider it carefully) to the point in which when you are old, you do not have any one to care for you. Yes, we should expect people to accept and adapt to us, but you have to get to the realization that that won't happen until we do our due diligence to learn and do our part to adapt to society ourselves first. That's the sick, sad truth of reality and life in our society. It's how it works. You've probably been looking and waiting for that moment in which you would finally be accepted, but that moment may never arrive... not until you have realized what is it that you have to do to earn that acceptance. It is easier to see the faults and wrongs in others around us and continue blaming them for our misery, but at some point, we have to look inward and see what is wrong with us and start there. The good news for you is that while you're already stepping out of your youth, I think you're still relatively young and can shift some things around. But you will probably need help. By no means I think you're crazy (I mean, we all are to some extent), but you do carry a very heavy baggage. You seem to have deep psychological scars that haven't healed for a very, very long time. In my humble opinion, you will probably need someone, a professional (a therapist), to help you mend those scars a bit and to guide back to the main group. I mean, yes, you can give it a shot and continue swing at it by yourself, but I think it's going to be really difficult, and at least from my perspective, I do not think you are liking the results. I wish you good luck and lots of success in your journey. Godspeed.
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9/7/2022 6:58 am |
Hi, thanks for the replies, I havnt logged in in a few days so my response has been delayed. likeithot19 - I know everthing you have said, but the problem is in applying it. Every rejection compounds and just confirms my own insecurities. And I have and do recive so few compliments, that when I do recive them I think they are disingenuous, and I feel as though they are taking the piss, even when they are not. And the worst thing is that if I do think a woman is interestead in me, my anxieties kick in and I clam up and find it really difficult to interact with them. manni_pr - I am already staring u from the bottom of the trap that you talk about, and this is the start of me trying to find a way out. As you say it is easier to continue to brood and drift away from society, and I have been doing this slowly for the past 15 years, slowly. But no I feel so adrif that I cant see land anywhere. Yes I know I have alot of heavy baggage, and this is one of the main reasons that has stopped me in the past. 1. I know it is not an attractive quality to have this much baggage and how heavy it is. And 2. that I dont want to inflict my pain onto another person. As to the therapist question, I have always know I have had mental issues since I was a young teenager, but it is one of the bits of pride that I have left, in that I am / have been strong enough to deal with it all on my own. I see the roblem with therapy is that I already know the vast majority of what they will tell me, but the roblem I have is applying it on a day to day basis. And the only way I can see that happening is if someone is with my personaly, not profesionaly, but then we come back to not wanting to inflict my pain on someone else. What I need is someone to help fix my soul, my mind is resiliant enough to fix itself. But if my soul is not fixed, then it will always break my mind no matter how much I try and hold it together. Thanks again for the replies and as always sorry for any spelling and grammer mistakes.
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