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Dead Can Dance - The Host of Seraphim The last episode of Daredevil opened on a funeral. I've wondered from time to time about my own funeral: who would show up, who would cry or mourn my passing, or if I would even tell the world that I had gone. Just leave my name etched in stone somewhere in the desert. It's funny.... I used to think being an adult would just happen. One day I would wake up, drink coffee, read the newspaper forming half-assed opinions on the world, dress in khakis, and proceed to run the clock til it stopped ticking. That day never came. I still see myself as a , and I've tried twice to stop the clock. If the Alien franchise taught me anything it's that whether you're a , an adult, dog, oxen, predator, prisoner, or synthetic....you know how it ends. And Alien Isolation is a fun pain in the ass; not as scary as FEAR or Doom 3 but just as insightful. A lot of time recently has been spent obsessing on where I'll be next year, and in those thoughts lies a fear of the past repeating itself. A mental hurdle with side effects of being a dick. There's no escaping the ship, purging the airlock, lead furnace, or.....sorry, my mind's been stuck in xeno-land for a bit. Surprised there hasn't been a chestburster nightmare yet. I don't know where I'm going with this; maybe just imagining an Alien/Daredevil crossover staring the cast of Mr. Show. But I want to believe I'll place my future in the right hands without the risk of rehashing the same shit on here with very little signs of moving forward. And I'd like to believe one day I'll see my look at me and think, "you asshole." Edit: Soko - We Might Be Dead By Tomorrow ♀ ♀ ; ♀ ♂; ♂♂ = ♥ (that's very beautiful) Another example of things finding you at the right moment. The latest episode of "Forever" has Henry finding closure on what happened to the love of his life. Wilfred, My Little Pony, Daredevil, 30 Rock, and now Forever. Quite the mash-up compared to my idea for a Marvel, Muppets, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Disney crossover. Mickey has control of the Muppets and the Empire, and it's up to the Avengers teamed with Jedi and Dr. Jones to stop the six foot fucking rat. 30 Rock - Winter Madness Jack: "I'll wait. Not forever." Nancy: "I'll try. Wicked hard." If it's meant to be it's meant to be. For now it's time to see if that's really true. It may be awhile before another post or edit. If something new arises from this current path the keys will click, but it may turn out to be the same story under a different title. She said something interesting though; that being "in love" is about lust, obsession, and control. There's freedom in that realization; out of the darkness and into the light. I am in love yet I need to move forward and forget what was to find what will be. "Love is not determined in the distance of the flesh, but the position of the heart. Mine will be always with you." Edit: Ben Howard - Promise "That was our thing." Been a grating phrase for a bit. What exactly does that mean? Specifics can be different to others, but if something is shared between a couple then that's how it should remain. And if there's any wiggle room then the sacred idea holds no water. It's no longer a "thing" a couple shares but something they have a shared interest in. Then again you shouldn't let your relationship define you; a mistake I've made more than once. But there should be something there that only two people keep between themselves other than their genitals; strengthens the intimacy. Edit: Clint Mansell - Together We Will Live Forever Something I wrote a few years ago; so much smarter then. "There's always more you wanted to say, isn't there? You think that if I had said that one thing, then things would be different. And your mind wanders countless scenarios in infinite directions; always questioning. But nothing can change what has happened. There's no reset, no do over, no warranty, nothing. That's permanent and you're stuck with it. And it may have been bad or good or even the real deal. But everything that begins ends. Good, bad, or indifferent. And you have to move on; because nature doesn't do time travel. And do you want to keep rehashing the same shit 30 years after the fact? Pretty much everything comes in waves. You go up, you go down. Some times the wavelengths can be long and/or short but never steady. Steady is where there's a problem. There's has to be an ebb and flow. And balance as well. Yin-yang type stuff." Sevendust - Xmas Day Jerry Gergich from Parks and Rec is a incompetent government employee; a laughing stock to the department. And during his last day before retirement Leslie Knope wanted to help him achieve the dreams he had when he started. "One day we'll be visiting Jerry here, and he will have accomplished nothing." she said to Ben Wyatt at a cemetery. But Jerry did accomplish much more than Leslie thought. He was a proud husband and a loving father. Granted his wife and three daughters were smoking hot but that's neither here nor there; he was happy with what he had done. Everyone in this world has a purpose. We are the result of survival and a massive amount of porking. Some people have career goals, others have personal goals, and there are a few that want both; amazing job and amazing family. Whatever your purpose is it's important to steer your life in that direction; otherwise you only exist instead of live. Everything else in this world is time filler and background noise. No matter the purpose or goal, remember who you are and what you're here to do; even if it's something simple like learning how to put on a condom. A dream's a dream, right? Fifty Shades of Grey - The Movie It sucks; end of discussion. Lyves X Synkro - Body Close & Tony Anderson - Eyes Wide Open In time all will become clear and the right decision will present itself. For now, look to the stars and let your imagination soar. KOAN Sound - View From Above "Sometimes the the truth is the last thing we need to hear." - The Flowers of War Humans are a savage bunch sometimes. It's the things that make us great that make us evil. Works of art created from ugliness painted with blood, sweat, and tears. Only after we've burnt the world will beauty rise from the ashes. I have fear which will become despair then will become hope. But first....the whores. "I wanna be a 40yr old virgin; because once you get laid, your life basically turns to shit." - Californication. Still believe Newton had the right idea. Essay - State of Mind "The fewer secrets we have, the less we tend to be concerned about what others are saying or doing....Telling the truth without embellishment or judgement limits drama. Our own willingness to meet the truth and deal with takes a lot of the air out of the drama in our own minds....As we learn compassion, we get less pleasure from magnifying the struggles of others......Integrity is unity within ourselves. We are the same person wherever we are. Our commitment to our values as we understand them is not based on convenience or circumstance. We don't have to pretend to be someone else, or hold one side of ourselves to the light and hide the rest, in order to function or be accepted. Our comfort with ourselves is attractive. When are practicing integrity, we can walk with dignity whether or not we find approval outside ourselves. We know who we are." - Living Clean For every chapter of my life, there's always been something to look forward to; the next school year, the next station/promotion, or some dream job. But for the last few years there hasn't been something like that. It's been small things like the next trip or awkward date. Now I have two things: something in the immediate future and a hypothetical possibility far from now. I'm pretty sure you know what the hypothetical is and wish I would shut up about it. Truth be told, any serious thought into the matter scares the shit out of me. It scares me because it won't ever make sense, and the whole story will forever remain hidden; a wall of shadows or a xenomorph in the air ducts. It's what the heart desires and right now it doesn't feel canon; tragedy and addiction is too fresh. It's a matter of time now to see what truth lies within. Warren Zevon - Keep Me in Your Heart "Once you were my future, then you were my misery, now you're almost my past. Almost." - Californication Kudos for them putting Hammock in season 3's finale; such a fitting scene. It's funny how the tables can turn on a person. Nothing new to report, whole story remaining hidden, but as the days go by something is becoming clear......there's no remorse or regret. Granted you can't control what people think but you can control what people see. Sometimes I wish when she talked to me I had a mirror I could hold so her words would reflect back and she would know the fallacy of her argument. And it sucks when you have evidence on your side to distinguish truth from bullshit but your honor demands the high road. Reminds me of when I bought my second firearm. I paid for it but because of my age and being out of state they had to ship it home and have my dad buy it. Then my parents came to visit me and we went to the gun store to find my purchase sitting behind the counter waiting to be shipped. The technicalities of red tape. It's understandable but deserves a nut punch for being stupid and missing logic. There's very little worse in this world besides someone without humility and doesn't see the error of their ways. But hey, all the shit I went through.....my fault. The past is in the past, and more often than not it doesn't cross my mind. But every once in awhile with my feet held to the fire, I just wanna scream "think on your sins." The Zombies - Time of the Season Been awhile since I had fun on a Friday night, and my hands still smell of peppermint. Seems a lifetime ago the world I left behind. And as i drift from one world to next, my thoughts dwell on that smile that stole my heart. Will I see it again? REM - Sweetness Follows Strange dream - My parents passed and found out via text; then was jizzed on by pigeons. The pigeons was more from expanding sexual horizons on self service, but I kept saying it was car soap. The pigeons knew better. Few hours later had a shotgun wedding in a grocery store and kept looking for the exit. It's not easy being so far from those you care about. And what's worse is no matter what happens someone is gonna get hurt. But if those pigeons come back, I'm turning to dream taxidermy. Strange dream- Nothing quite like your old college friends calling you a fucking idiot for not doing what they do. But if your heart wasn't in it, why do it? Rafael Pérez Arroyo - Music in the Age of the Pyramids (Hymn 567 made me physically ill once; pyramid texts, go figure) I've come to believe that certain movies are made at specific time in history because they need to be; even wrote a paper on why Star Wars was the cause of the over-saturated CGI shit fest we see today. Look at the Alien franchise: aside from the misstep of Alien: Resurrection, each film film represents a different time and dynamic of our history. The first from Ridley Scott viewed as a horror film had tones of sexual violence. The second from James Cameron was an action movie made during the neo-conservative era with echoes of the Vietnam War. The third from David Fincher was a cash grab drama in the MTV era with an underlying theme of the AIDS epidemic; my personal favorite even though the production was a nightmarish hellscape that almost prevented Fincher from making another movie. The fourth was about genetic experimentation written by Joss Whedon but wasn't executed to plan and upped the camp to 11. Another example comes in the form of Assault on Precinct 13. The original from John Carpenter was very cut and dry focusing more on plot than characters and highlighting Los Angeles' gang problem. The cops are the good guys, gang members are the faceless bad guys, and the cavalry arrives at the end to save the day. The remake came in a post 9/11 world where the lines of good vs evil were blurred depending on the context of the situation. In it the cavalry are the villains trying to prevent a gangster from destroying the families of corrupt cops. The protagonist is a burned out cop surviving on drugs and alcohol in order to hide from his past. I could go into more detail, but I'm too tired to care and waiting for the next strange dream. Maybe there'll be tap-dancing zebras celebrating Hitler winning the Miss America pageant. Who knows? But you get the point. Jurassic Park led to Congo and The 13th Warrior. Austin Powers led to the James Bond reboot being grittier and less campy. X-Men led to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. If not for Eraserhead Anthony Hopkins would not have been Hannibal Lecter. And so on and so on.... Strange dream - Can't even describe it. What started with clinging to an old Asian lady saying "It'll play in Poughkeepsie" turned into something weirder. A siege on a square hallway that felt like a church with interior decorating that looked the way the 70s would've smelled. A red statute in the corner covered in veins and with a scarred face that casts fear into your heart. A journey to repel the siege only to return and face the monsters inside. The statue personified as man and beast chase each other until the man turns and faces the beast. They collide and the beast pushes the man toward the statute. The man confronts the statue saying that fear will not control him only for the man to turn into Robin Williams playing the part of King Arthur. He runs to the window with a crossbow and says, "We're gonna need more arrows in here." The siege continues outside. Then the dream turns to being outside a castle. Paul Reubens dressed as Dracula rotates his shoulders while talking to Carol Burnett who's in cheap fish monster makeup. They discuss what they're going to do about the King. I couldn't make this up if I tried. Beth Hart - My California "Make peace with your past so it won't disturb your present." "Give up being 'right' even when you know you're right." Even if the story doesn't make sense, all the answers aren't there, or the facts don't add up, sometimes you have to let it go. Agree to disagree without being disagreeable otherwise the truth will be a casualty in the war of opinions. I write that because the dream above is starting to make sense; besides Count Pee-wee chatting with Carol, I got noting on that. I've been engaged in a battle between heart and mind over the last few months. The prize is deciding the next chapter in my life's story. The mind goes off supposed logic and facts while the heart relies on supposed instincts and emotions, and sometimes the two get mixed up. "The beast and man chase each other." And on the day I learned of Robin Williams' passing I said something I've never said to anyone only to be met with silence. Plus I had just watched both versions of "Assault on Precinct 13" which is where the siege, the 70s, and geography come into play. The battle continues but the mind is slowly losing due to the truth remaining out of sight. And with my honor on the line and being at risk of an ethics violation, I have a feeling this will be my first adult decision. Only hope my instincts are right on this. "Sometimes you see things really clearly, and then just it gets cloudy again." - Californication "Feelings don't kill you, and they don't last forever." - Michelle If someone violates your privacy and trust but doesn't admit it being wrong, how can you forgive them easily? Time heals almost everything, but it's not a question of the past it's more of a person. Their actions can be forgiven yet their reasoning is another matter entirely. |
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