Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > KainWilkus > A young man's old mind. |
|
Slow Dancing Society - Warm Familiar Smell of September I want you to pick a sexy pair of heels. Not fuck pumps; professional but just enough to spark desire. Before you leave for the day, I approach from behind and wrap you in my arms. A hot kiss behind the ear then I whisper, "imagine me fucking you while you wear them." My lips trail down to your shoulder and give you a little love bite. You're mine. I text you throughout the day. Your heels will look so hot on my shoulders I want to feel your legs draped over me as I eat your pussy. I can't wait to run my hands all over your body and taste you. Evening comes and we meet. I run my fingers across your cheek and pull you in for a kiss. Not yet, we have all night. Dinner, Netflix, relaxing. I massage your feet. Long day in those heels. The bed beckons. Once there I pull your hair and bite your exposed neck. Your thrown on the bed, flipped over and my nose deep in your crotch. You shiver at the touch and start to become wet. The smell is intoxicating. I peel the panties aside and give a light blow on your clit. A sharp inhale. Is this what you want? Shop at Macy's Watching amateur porn, I had to reevaluate my entire stance on sex. This couple were in an embrace and they started kissing; not the exaggerated tongue dance or over-active lips. This was intimate and safe, an expression of love shared by two people. I realized my wanting of sex, fetish or not, was stemmed from validation and insecurity. "If I'm sexually active, then I'm not an outcast." Same with the dead bedroom. "Am I not enough? What am I doing wrong? Why isn't she attracted to me? blah, blah blah." I realized sex is a symptom, not cause. Mutual want and desire shouldn't require moving<b> mountains. </font></b>It's something shared and explored, not forced or manipulated. When I was studying about dating and sex, I regret I didn't take it far enough. I stopped at sex and didn't delve into relationships. The skill sets are entirely different. Casual fuckery works for some, not for me. I realized the pageantry and showmanship were not what I wanted. The moans, the squirts, the clothes, the jackhammering; it's not me. Trust, sincerity, and comfort first, then comes the hot, sweaty fetish fucking. I need a connection. I still want an active healthy sexlife, yet that stems from wanting to be with the person instead of wanting the person. It angers me I'm not sexual anymore. Not that I'm not sexually active, I've been without the physical act most of my life so it's not sorely missed; especially considering the negative effects of duty/pity sex. What angers me is sex doesn't excite me anymore. I don't talk about it, or research , or try to expand my horizons. It's all done in shadow now. I want it back. I want to be excited and motivated again for all things sexual. Question is how and what will it cost? Means I have some thinking to do about my future. Update: took a trip down Bourbon; quite a few leather hot pants. Younger me would've seen the face of God. Now...eh; would we have anything in common? Got belittled the whole time; said my actions were out of spite, she's considered an afterthought. Ended up walking bar to car, not as far as new year's 20I5, still a decent trek. Personally: how can a person in the same breath say they're not an afterthought and be justified in treating me as an afterthought? Rules for me not for thee. Logically: has no interest in reviving intimacy which means my needs are not a priority, therefore need to focus on myself and what makes me happy. But I'm wrong for not thinking of her, yet she isn't thinking of me. I laid it all bare and no response; probably hoping I'll forget. It's whatever. Again this shit is on me for allowing it. But every man's got his breaking point. Saw Jaws in theaters. Still a great movie but not what it once was. Victim of its own legacy, same with Exorcist. What once had tension turns to humor. Lot of that going around. Update: may have crossed a line. Went to the Southern Decadence parade. We were going to go. But she was handed a family assignment and it suddenly became "not enough time" there were workarounds, it still could've been done, but "not enough time". I couldn't enabl this behavior; it wouldn't solve the problem. I still went, was called a selfish asshole. now silent treatment. I've spent the whole whole weekend stating my position our intimacy issues have not been address. And now I've done something unforgivable. I'm tempted to say my hand was forced, but it would be a lie. I chose this route. I cannot keep being unhappy for the status quo. Love should not work this way. Update: timing is the worst. You reach the point of acceptance, growing tired of the false hope just as a family emergency happens. The relationship takes a back seat yet you're still required to put in effort when they can't but it happens right when you reach apathy. Again, timing is the worst. How can you work together if they're never wrong? Where's the humility if you're solely to blame? As I said, history is repeating itself. Slept naked, Wasn't sexual, more of a trust experiment. Could I trust this person enough to sleep naked with them? Results were mixed. At first was the feeling of safety and security, but as I continued to think the feelings changed to nothing then sadness. Right now my head is mapping everything out trying to find the truth. It's not about being right or crafting a narrative of heroes and villains but treating it like a court case, facts only. So here I am presented with someone who told me early on they were top priority. Should've asked at the time if the mindset applies both ways; clearly it does not. The relationship is not a priority currently; understandable and I've reached the point of apathy. I'm not repeating the choices I made back in 20I4. I can't. I won't. I have done my share of evil, and I wish to do better. She said she won't verbalize her wants; I'm not a mind reader. I can't work off what I don't have. She said she didn't want a long engagement. I repeatedly read do not marry into a dead bedroom, yet I couldn't mention the issue due to repeated mentions over the years and no progress. Personally, I can't be at fault for lack of teamwork if the team doesn't work. Yet, all the accountability is laid at my feet. No; I have blame, but not all the blame. This is what I keep getting stuck on: no remorse. In the beginning I was not wanted nor chosen. I was Plan B. And I played the victim and stuck around to where it became unhealthy. I should've stood up for myself and walked away; I will live with that regret. Now I am wanted and chosen though it doesn't feel that way because no remorse. Still feel like Plan B. She claims no fault saying her actions are justified. So our relationship is not a priority leaving me to pick up the slack; only I won't because of our history; nor do I feel compelled to due to being guilty in the eyes of the court. This is not healthy. This is not how relationships are supposed to work. She is right though: I have to decide if this is what I want. My heart says "yes", but my brain is saying "she's not sorry." And it's taken me to this point where her feelings and issues are not my problem/concern. I don't even tell her about my mental health anymore because it's not her problem/concern. As I said I really need to think and not do/say something rash/irrational. |
 |
 |
 |
| Become a member to comment on this blog | ||
 |
×
×