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| Blogs > KainWilkus > A young man's old mind. |
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Kenny Loggins - Danger Zone It's late. The office is empty except for me; or so it seemed. While leaving I pass by your office, and you call me in. Your back turned to me as you stare out into the night sky. It's a beautiful sight. "Sit", you say. I obey. You turn. The desk lamp catches your silk blouse and leather pencil skirt. "you shine so bright, a light inside my head, I love the thought, or staring at you.." You sit on your desk, one leg draped over the other, and set your glasses down. "Working late?" "That why you called me in?" "No, a different reason." You stand up and head to door. I hear the latch; it's locked. My head turns to see the blinds being drawn. "None of them have been told about the test. None of them know what is about to happen." Your finger light taps my shoulder. "I've read your stories." "Which ones?" You bend down to whisper in my ear, "You can't guess?", then nibble my ear lobe. Yeah...mood's gone. Had this story in my head the other night after another round of cunnilingis. Positive note: turned down penetration sex. Didn't require much willpower. Didn't want it, and it would cheapen the orgasm I had earlier; "some things were so near perfection, they cry out for ruin". Still learning boundaries. And still learning I'm chasing a fantasy. In the cold light of day, I keep thinking nothing's going to change. Side note: two interactions have been circling my brain. First: at the pet store, talking about money. "You should pay for everything," she says Slyly, I respond "And what do I get in return?" "Well, nothing right now" referring to transactional sex. "That's not true" I reply. "I get a clean with a full bully." "Oh, I thought you wanted.." "No. There's rules in place. I don't want that right now" Second: in each other's company, being intimate. "What do you want?" I smile. Again she refers to sex and says it ain't happening. She has her reasons and I have mine. But this is strictly penetration sex; no oral, or massages, or kissing, or sensate focus, or boudoir photos, or anything. Strictly PIV. Is that the vibe I've been putting out, that's my only interest? I'm very confused. Update: had to cancel a trip to Universal Studios for finance reasons; cue the false sympathy and pity. I'm so fucking done with this circus; it's not family, it's a fucking reality show. "If you're dating someone right now, and you've met their family and their family is WHAAACCCKKKED! And you think 'Oh, that's okay. They're the good one' [cackles with laughter] ..then you are mentally ill, okay? 'Cause they are not the good one. They are like a psycho Tylenol gel cap, man. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Crazy's coming!" Christopher Titus, Love is Evol She showed me some sex position that's currently popular; Kamasutra lists it as bow, Google calls it scissor straddle. Nothing came from it aside "a little tension". And the phrase I keep hearing is "nothing's good enough." Funny, I've been saying that since (checks watch) the beginning and have mostly been ignored. Also funny is she reads this, yet latches on to the parts that fill her insecurities; tempted to be an armchair psychologist but her problems are not mine to fix. Keep thinking about my birthday; asked to be seduced or roleplay, received late-night cookies. They were delicious, yet is that how she views my worth? That's her prerogative, but for her birthday she wanted either a new purse or earrings. I got both but she didn't like either therefore returned them and got a pair of earrings she liked at a later date. It's not boasting or seeking fairness; merely an observation that's how we see each other. Side note: How many here familiar with Abbott Elementary? Very funny show, worked with some of the crew. I have a problem with it: the principal is always wearing leather. I know, right? How is that a problem? Think back to the first Charlie's Angels movie. Two scenes come to mind. First: Barracuda. Lucy Liu dressed as a dominatrix commands an entire room; her butt is the stuff of gifs. Second: Kelly Lynch seduces Bill Murray in a leather dress and knee-high "fuck me" boots; once outed as a villain she's in leather and latex the rest of the movie. The leather is a symbol of sex and power. Now fast forward to today. Leather is everywhere. News anchors, teachers, doctors, lawyers, influencers, dial tones. It's a basic requirement for sororities. It's on clearance at Wal-Mart. It's meaningless. Disclaimer: this is my own personal view. I am in no way dismissive of the leather lifestyle or those that find connection with the material; I salute you and support you. I am merely a sad bitter old fool who chased a dream until it turned into a nightmare. Anyway.. The principal in Abbott Elementary is always wearing leather; usually either skirt or pants. On its own, that's fine, she's "sexy principal". But the hard-knuckled "Jersey" teacher is usually wearing leather jackets, the lead has worn a leather dress on occasion, so why is she always wearing it? Best guess is her character is someone chasing their youth, and in a constant state of "pre-gaming"; plus most episodes has her as the foil. The leather doesn't empower her or make her sexy; it makes her the villain, the Dwight of the group. That comes off as very lazy. Update: Woke up feeling frustrated. Spent the night being hot; said out loud "if only we had a portable AC unit." Backstory: she wanted one for the house we were living in. I bought it, and when we moved it went into storage. Time passed and the AC unit was given to her parents to use. It's not mine anymore, and I have some old window unit that's...fine. It frustrates me after all the time, money, and effort (plus Scotland and Universal) I've given to this family, all I have to show for it is one "appreciate you." Thanks; that just fills the crater right to the brim. It's fine; it's who they are and expecting different is on me. It's fine; have to remember I'm on my own. So... funny thing....doing some searches through old text messages. Found this little gem from when we first started talking: "Not saying they will love you back, but you can love someone you can't trust...maybe it's different for men and women but I've been in that situation bef ore where I was in love with someone and stopped trusting them but still loved them. I didn't want to believe that I couldn't trust them anymore but I knew I couldn't..." Then doing some more searching found this little nugget: "If there's one thing I've learned recently is to never feel like the only one putting forth all of the effort into something...if the other person is not trying as hard then nothing is there..." It really is amazing how our past selves are sometimes smarter than our present selves. And to think all this started with three little words: "You look familiar." Update: Don't know how to describe this feeling other than lost. I truly do not know where to go from here. No remorse: not gonna be addressed. my sexual wants and needs: not gonna be addressed. Future plans are addressed: vacations, housing, wedding. But the present? Side note: was told I never give off positive energy. I'm always grumpy, angry, depressed, or meh. It's very unsettling to be told you're never happy while on a journey of self-improvement. But it deflects from the core issue: this is not my ice cream truck. Anyway...ever been in an intimate position and your partner says "I want things"? What do you do with that? I press further and she replies that I should know while motioning to her vagina, "things". I get it yet still...what? This is where I feel lost. I don't know if it's another manipulation tactic or if she's genuinely out of touch with her sexuality. If it's the former then I need to buy a blow job sex toy. If it's the later then ain't shit I can do; that's her journey to trek. But...I...what do you do with that? Stands to reason if you've been with someone long enough to where you're comfortable discussing bowel movements, sexual topics shouldn't be reduced to "things". I want to fuck you, I want you to fuck me, I want to touch you, taste you, make me cum, cum in my pussy, eat me out, hold me, hug me, pull my hair, make me scream, It's so sexy when you do this or that, touch me there, right there, don't stop... don't stop; communicate aside from "things". "Things" is confusing and puts the onus of pleasure on the other party. They have to figure out what the other person means by "things", and it takes them out of the moment. That's not fun, that's work. There's an 80s horror movie called "Things," and it's terrible; don't know anybody who would want that. Update: decided to give myself homework. what positivity does she bring into my life? Removing all aspects of intimacy/sex and finances, find seven positive things in this relationship. - teamwork; won't deny when we work together shit gets done. - growth? kinda half and half. food palate has increased and overcame my fear of dogs, yet don't cook much anymore and the doggos was mostly me. why is this so hard? - this is really hard. every virtue I think of (kindness, respect, empathy, support, safety, trust, appreciation, honesty) is met with "well...". That's a huge problem for me. c'mon, positive; affectionate, I guess. She touches me more than before yet don't know if sincere or manipulative. Am I supposed to be this much "in the dark"? - Acceptance and Independence; shouldn't count b/c it's more what I've learned as opposed to what she's instilled, but I am genuinely reaching for something, anything. Anyway I've learned to be comfortable and happy alone, and when to be done with the fucking circus. They are who they are, and I am who I am; incompatibility needs to be recognized. - I got nothing. I'm slightly convinced she doesn't even see me as human; more akin to a pet or security blanket. - Confidence. I've learned I need to live my own life, and stand up for it. I am not ashamed of that, nor am I ashamed to admit my sex skills are being wasted. I am very proud of what I've learned and wish to continue. - I am struggling. Not in the depressed "life is unfair" pity party. This is more existential. Read something somewhere that when couples grow distant and unaffectionate they have to rediscover the purpose of their relationship, aside from parental or spousal titles/duties. They need to reconnect as partners and lovers. Not a discussion we ever had. Update: Next round of homework. Two assignments: First - motivation to travel has been extinguished. In an effort to rekindle, list seven best trips/vacations in the last decade. - kinda a two-for-one yet they have the same theme. My production three and getting my grandma's car to NOLA. Both trips used every resource at my disposal. - Last trip to Ireland. - Trip to San Diego to attend a showing of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead; ended up yelling at Richard Dreyfuss. - Egypt; true bucket list trip. - Trip to London to see Monty Python. It was a fun trip yet slightly tainted after I returned, fucking book face. - Trip in 20I9 to Kings Island and the Ark Encounter - Trip to Disney World in 202I. Second - seven strongest memories of relationship; good, bad, sexy doesn't matter. - Hooters. Not the best or the worst, but it is the strongest. I've told that stories too many times on here; it's not worth repeating. - Proposal - Our first trip together to MSP tied with Jazz Fest. - When we went to Chicago for a Ghostbuster burlesque show. - three sex memories kinda tied I think about often. - Xmax 20I4. We saw Muppet Xmas Carol together. - Poker Run, 20I4; (Iago voice: Oh please, don't go into it. It's just too painful...) Update: haven't done a feeling check in a minute. I'm very unhappy, and it's not my job. Can't remember the last time I preferred being at the office over being at home. My life seems to have stalled and not by choice. I'm no stranger to wasted days, but I'm less of a priority than a black mirror. Yesterday I was lectured on how to do my job for reasons. I keep coming to the conclusion I'm not seen as human in this realm therefore not worthy of respect. But that's deal when it comes to narcissism. I can't logic or reason my way out of this nor can I lay my cards on the table; been doing that since the beginning with minimal (if any) success. All I can do is care for myself and disengage from the rest. Back in 20I5, kept saying to myself "stay strong, stay done"; didn't last long This time I have to mean it because (for the people in the back) I am done with the fucking circus. I am a human being. I am not a pet nor a security blanket nor a wallet. Update: was reading a reddit about dirty talk. "Climb on top of my cock." That got a chuckle. Told SO if I ever said that she'd laugh; she agreed. Subtle realization I need to let our sex life die; it's been on life support to the point of being clinically dead. Time to pull the plug and view this relationship as platonic. Means I have some unlearning to do in terms of actions; I don't cuddle nor give foot rubs nor oral sex to roommates. Yet I am not saddened by this. I don't feel unwanted, unloved, or undesired. I feel fine. Update: "Such a lost cause, goddamn I miss who I once was..." Really need to stick to my words. I'm tired of talking about this. I'm tired of false hope, and I'm tired of being depressed about something outside my control. There's other stuff in the world that interests me. I need to put my fifty percent in and nothing else. I need to stop worrying about something that won't change. I need to be happy again, and I need to remember what that felt like. Growth isn't easy. Update: Really wanting to make this my final word on the subject. I give up. Been<b> singing </font></b>the same song for years; no change in the music or dance. I can either accept it or leave. I don't want to leave therefore comes acceptance. I won't sugarcoat it or justify or rationalize or use Ser Alliser's "fought and lost" quote to ease the realization. This sucks and is very depressing. It wasn't my choice to be in a dead bedroom yet it is my choice to stay. If I can't handle it or it gets too depressing then I will switch gears and devote energy to an exit plan. For now this is my path, and I choose to walk it. |
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