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flirting or just friendly? Growing up, I had no clue if a girl liked me. In fact, I didn’t learn I was clueless until someone who had a<b> crush </font></b>on me brought it to my attention. I’d been giving her rides to school and she’d been sitting in the front seat apparently sending signals I wasn’t getting, dressing in ways I should have noticed, and so on. It was embarrassing for sure, but also enlightening. Of course I didn’t know it at the time, but that was a symptom, or consequence if you will, of my Aspergers. I wasn’t aware that if a person liked me they had to pretty much say it aloud or I’d be oblivious. Or at the very least mildly suspicious. Knowing I am this way has helped me a few times, but for the most part I’ve remained uncertain my entire adult life. Is that woman flirting with me or just being friendly? I knew that supposedly when a female touched you while talking to you, or even just passing by, that signaled some level of interest. Then I started going to strip clubs and found that just about everyone that worked there seemed to know this as well. All the strippers liked me! Just kidding. It might have further confused me, but I’m no idiot. I communicate well, and I feel like I am a decent judge of character. Overall it has seemed to work out, but there are times when I am sure I’ve missed opportunities because I was uncertain, and too worried to just find out. This is coming up right now because I feel like I shared a moment with someone recently, but remain uncertain. Was the lady at the marijuana dispensary simply being friendly, or did her body language suggest something more? Short of touching me she did lean forward while we were chatting after our transaction, and she did follow me to the door instead of remaining behind the counter, but that’s not much to go on unless you’re like me and feel like you’ve been missing what are apparently obvious signals your entire life. Our conversation was very easy, and the smile on her face was bright and genuine, but perhaps she is just that way with everyone. She asked if I’d met a new employee, and though it seemed to be conversational on one hand I wondered inside what the purpose of the query was. Did she have a reason for asking or was she just being random? I didn’t ask, just told her I didn’t think I’d met the new guy. I probably should inquired, but I was too busy being awed by her beauty. It’s been a while since I kind of felt that instant animal attraction and I admit it disoriented me a bit. Before I left I asked her if she had grown up embarrassed or angry about the freckles on her face, and snuck in a compliment at the end, but either she didn’t notice or decided to ignore it. So I remain unsure; was she being friendly or flirting? It’s not so much the fear of rejection that stops me from asking her out, it’s the knowledge that were I to do so I’d have to allow her into my life, which is pretty much a mess right now. Trying to explain my current situation to someone I hope to be romantic and sexual with does not appeal. Besides, the only thing I have to offer anyone of the opposite sex is my broken self. I have no money, no bright future ahead, a car that doesn’t work, nothing like that. I am not a handsome man, and currently wouldn’t say I was strong either, so that just leaves my personality. If you’ve read enough of my blog you know I try to be a good person, but mentally speaking I can be a bit bonkers, especially with the misophonia issues. As my mother might say; I’m not great prize. So I will wait and see if she is working again when I next go to purchase some more marijuana, and I will watch the way she acts a bit more closely, and likely still walk away with no less certainty than I have now.  |
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