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still perving after all these years Completely out the blue, and quite unexpectedly, someone reached out to me via email recently asking questions about the work I did with my former girlfriend and co-star Catherine de Sade. It seems a friend had shown this person a video of ours, made over a decade ago, and used the credits that I almost always put at the end to find a way to contact me. Of course they had no idea if we were still together, still making porn and all that, but that’s really not the point. It turns out the video they were shown was on a DVD, which means it can only be a set, small number of titles, since our days burning discs for sale were brief. The knowledge that someone who was a fan that long ago is still watching, and thinks it is good enough to show to others this many years later, is a bit of an ego stroke for me. I’ve always thought my writing or adult<b> films </font></b>would be my legacy, and it seems that might be true. I’m sure nobody is going to care about anything I did, be it music, writing or porn a few decades from now, but at least I know I strongly affected and influenced some folks while I was alive. Good enough for me. I also reconnected with a friend from the past during this same period of time. A message showed up in my Inbox from someone I was only beginning to get to know back then, when I was still with Catherine de Sade. That version of me is so far from the current one in so many ways, and yet I do believe there’s still enough of the old (younger?) guy there to still be of interest. I’m not a huge train wreck, just a small hot mess. Life is on the upswing, and these sorts of “old” connections might just be an unintended product of that, or at the very least a welcome bonus. Reminding me that I was once a very different person is not a bad thing at all, but thankfully I’m not the kind of guy who tries to revisit or recreate the past. Whatever happens with my life, friendships, etc. now is disconnected from that in almost every way. I have learned from it, but I am not doomed to repeat it, nor do I want to. The guy that wrote those old blog posts, made those perverted movies and had started getting close to that friend is gone, and he’s been replaced by someone who has been molded by all those old experiences, plus all that has occurred since. I am not who I once was, nor are any of you, but hopefully that means at least some of us are better versions. I believe I am, but if not I guess I can fall back on feeling good about once being pretty special to some folks who are still perving about the things I said and did after all these years. I'll settle for that. |
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