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Roller coaster ride.... A short while into O.our Journey...... the rollarcoaster... once you get on and it starts, there's no getting off... fearing what's ahead, not knowing the design... twisting through the start, high on the relief of getting there... resting into the slow climb of the next descent or fall... as the anxiety rises, as time stands still.. the inevitable drop, spin, twist getting closer and closer... breathless... surreal... pulse pounding.. spinning out of control.. yet strangely safe.... it takes me high.. then drops me... it thrills and terrifies.. fills me with delight and rage... the doubts chattering away in my head, ignored by the overwhelming faith that this is right... silenced by my compulsion to comply... the anger flaring because You are right when i don't want You to be... because You have what i need... because You hold the key... because where others made promises, You delivered them... fearful of the vulnerability i feel getting closer... the dependency growing, addiction gripping... this strange recklessness.. putting all my eggs/needs in one basket so to speak.... new parts of me being revealed, transitions taking place... becoming what i always was... showing You little by little the darkness i hold... i don't like rollarcoasters... sometimes i want it all to stop, and yet, that is the most devastating thought of all..... |
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