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His return..... Salvage... There was no question as to whether I would come to You, I was always going to.... To debrief, to question, to close or to salvage.... To see what 'it' was.... From the moment You mailed saying You were returning I felt an energy.... A curiosity... Anticipation... I could enjoy the feeling, knowing there was no decision to be made, that I was going to see You, if only once..... However the night before i couldn't sleep... Restless, anxious.... I was sick in the morning, part of my transition, the changes.... Still trying not to think... Not to ask questions.... I felt the same as I used to while driving.. To see You or to ... A kind of detachment... Entering a different space... Actions automatic... Mind in a light trance... Then I was there..... I'd said I needed a slow, sensuous reconnecting, but I didn't think it would happen that way... How wrong I was..... The light hearted Scorpio, tender, nurturing, giving.... A reality to it it I'd not felt before.... I said to You that it was a long time since I'd been touched... Of course I didn't mean physically... But for so long, even with lover, most of the time, I 'perform' sexually, I think my actions, my responses, I get self conscious, inhibited about my own pleasures..... Worried about what 'they' are thinking, what 'they' are wanting..... It was a liberating afternoon for me.... I wasn't worried about future meetings, I was with You and knew You would only be doing exactly what You wanted to... I could be me, let go, finally enjoy being touched body and ...... Whatever the other thing is.... Images in my mind of such closeness, bodies entwined... Of 'feeling'... of acceptance for who I am..... Hand around throat, a forced seduction, legs shaking, hair wet with perspiration, with passion.... Wanting to fight back only to make the surrender sweeter... To hurt You, only to make You feel me.... My mind blissful in not deciding, not choosing... Just being.... Just being.... So there We are.... I don't know what to come.... |
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deliciously intense.
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