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damaged, Me Too, I have had some real bad experience with a socalled 'dom".... autist of Asperger/egoistic bedroomsex player/vanilla. After that particulair bad period, i have a big trouble with trust, especially trusting what some of the geezers on here, tell, make believe.... Although i am hopefull to be found by that ONE man, who has been around, who knows a thing or two about life, BDSM. Who KNOWS himself. I know i need a lot of time and communication, totall open communication about all and everything in his life. He would have to work to make me want to open up to him. That will be slowly and carefully Building trust takes time, no matter what. He, as a Dominant man, should know, there are subs/slaves who really need to be build up again, by being in contact with a man who means what he says and does what he promissed. I think, the man with a feeling dominant heart knows all this. Is patience, gives, cares. Wants to build his sub/slave up, anyway. He will be looking for her strength and her power, her substance. submission is not some parttime, waste time 'sex hobby'... That is play act dominance/submission, a "fun" game, to spice up your sexlife. This is for life, thus it is in all parts of their relation, he being the Authority figure, she being the one who craves for his guidance, protection, and love, above all, be loved~! To be able to provide thát, you must know that other person through and through. All of her/him. not just her/his sexfantasies. Because a dom at heart, will know, that that part will come, when the time is right. Surrender starts within the mind, first, that is were submission is centred. The willingness to trust, to give yourself utterly to someone who is really, really worthy of your whole submission. not some sexual play game 'submission'... Because i can only give myself utterly, totally, not just as some bedroomgame, it was only waiting to happen, that that vanilla sexplay fantasy vanilla did not see me for what i am, because he is a VANILLA. was not able to handle all that, because for him, it is all a play scene thing, almost without strings attached, only as long as the "game" is on... Like soo many on here... Did not know how to handle all that. He got scared and fucked up real bad. My fault was to believe him, being "a" dominant. not some player. He just lived out some of his own sexual fantasies, by using my body. Thát is not BDSM, nor dominance at all. that is play acting, being a vanilla playing some fantasy role. For playing such role, you/He need an audience, and that is the play sub. That is why sooo many play contact, sexD/s contacts dont last very long... in general. They, those very egoistic males need fresh audience, once in a while, to be albe to keep playing that role....., And maybe those play subs too? A whole other catagory of folks..... Damaged and feeling better then before!  
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I could have never, ever thought that this whole process for searching for..... developing mé, would give me so much growth... insight in myself I am thankful.
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sends a hug your way. I can relate to much of what you have said...it takes time to trust...it takes time to get to know each other what heat up what shuts each down and finding that person who is in for the understands you and appreciates who you are for who are you...hang in there hun...you shouldn't look at it as being broken, you are amazing woman...we live and learn by each experience in life and you are much stronger then you give yourself credit for...hugs.
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celtdragn, thank you for your kind words. hugs,
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ProudlySquirming, Thank you for your reaction, I think you should not try to overcome this, i think it is maybe better to accept this, as a part of who you are... what makes you, you. It is all in one package. It is all part of our learning curve... in life....? in BDSM. about ourselfs too!
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Lilli, You know, i did search for such man in "normal'- day to day life, working, gym, theater, you name it..... for years, and years... did not find him there, cant seem to find a man, my style, here or on any other BDSM site.... i might have met a man with potential.... Only for me, to have to take controle, initative, is soo against how i am, who i am... how i feel..... I need the man to at least show some kind of initative, take the lead.... I give subtle clue... i know...men and being subtle! whahahah! Wearing my home made purple leather collar/chooker should be a sign, dont you think? How can i learn a man to bé dominant? that is totally impossible. I have scars on my body, they are all part of me, being me, so is that little part about being damaged...too. i love life!
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taximan, thank you, that is exactly what i am looking for.. that part first and formost! i want to do and be as he wants me to be, but before we get at that point, he must want and need to know me, inside out, cherish me, understands my needs..... before i can give him what he needs.....
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sub_nouveau, Thanks for visiting me,  People are soo terrible shallow, it is sickening! i tell you, my domradar is always on... i am open to invites... heheh But, first you have to meet him! i met this man, he does not give any signals.....  i do all i can to give signals, encourage him... nada.... 
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